One of my primary goals as a yoga teacher is to make yoga affordable for everyone. I have resisted buying into a big franchise... or a big studio.. or even a small potatoes studio for this reason. The studio we have now is perfect for our burgeoning business, not so expensive that we have to raise our very low prices but big enough to accommodate a growing clientele. A win/win. For years I have maintained the philosophy that when people could pay they would, and when they couldn't, I would still encourage them to come... figuring it would all end up even anyways.
So, imagine my shock over my long time students boycotting my studio... over money. I taught at a gym for many, many years. Had my regulars who came to class twice a week for years. They oooed and ahhhhed over how great of a teacher I am, hugging me, buying me gifts, telling me that I really made a difference in their lives, "they couldn't survive without me". I struggled for years at this gym, through management changes, bad energy, noisy classes, even teaching in a cold hallway at one point so these people would have what they said they couldn't live without. Many, many times I wanted to go, felt like I would be better off not having to drag myself into that cruddy environment, only to think of their pleading faces and decide there was no way I could leave them.
When we got the new studio, I felt torn. On the one hand I felt an obligation to the new business and to my new partner... but I also felt an obligation to my old students. Coming up with a plan to give those old students a deal they couldn't refuse... sadly, with many tears, I left the gym. I felt like there were some that couldn't afford to pay more than they were, so I pulled them aside and told them not to worry about paying... to pay what they could, just like I've told the students at CCPC for years. Gave the ones who I knew drove Lexus and BMW's coupons for their first session... made sure they knew where I was and scheduled 2 new classes to try and accommodate them.
No one showed. Not one of them. Not the rich, not the poor. Hmmm. So, there were too conclusions I could draw:
1. I suck as a teacher.
2. They didn't want to spend their money on me, when they could buy the cow for free.
Sort of. But the bottom line is they were paying $19 a month to see me 2 times a week. As low as my prices are... esp. for them... they are not that low. Like, I have rent. And Utilities. And well, this IS my day job. And night job. Don't most people get paid for what they do?
So. Having enough self esteem to know that #1 is crazy (and enough students willing to pay whatever I charge to spend some time with me) I have to conclude that #2 is the answer. Intellectually, I get that. Emotionally... wow. Really? What does that say? And how sad.
I feel a little stupid that I believed that it was about me. I guess it's never too late to re-learn the everyone is replaceable rule. I know they loved my teaching... but, not enough to really pay for it in this economy. So sad after all these years. I keep trying to process it but I can't lie and say I'm not upset about it. It makes me feel like I'm not all that... but I know deep down that it's not really about me. And it's not personal. Even if I thought it was.
As the Beatles said, Money can't buy you love... right?
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Perpetually Busy
It's been 3 years since I quit working obsessively and started recovery. Lately, I've been finding myself slipping off the wagon... feeling as if I don't have enough hours in the day to get everything done. Feeling guilty if I catch myself gazing at the cherry blossoms blowing against the deep blue sky.
I've caught myself feeling grumpy about all there is to do. I've felt "put upon", like I'm the only one that can see all there is to do.. I've caught myself dragging the proverbial overloaded trash can murmuring "oh no, don't worry about me, I've got it" as I wince outwardly and sigh dramatically. All the martyrs of the past haunt me, "SEE? Now you know what we've gone through!".
I've started the comparison shuffle, thinking that I have to be the winner. Well, first I have to do this, then that, than that, than that, that, that and maybe even put the icing on the cake and do a play! I WIN! I caught myself lugging a 25 x 40 foot tarp over my gazebo roof yesterday, climbing up and down a ladder repeatedly, pulling and tugging, sweating and swearing, being pissed at my sleeping son for not reading my mind and KNOWING I needed help, "OH NO, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, I'VE GOT IT!" Oh Mrs. Abercrombie, how you haunt me. Next thing you know I'll be dragging my leg along side the trash cans...drooling.
Too over the top? Yeah. Time to go back to the serenity prayer for workaholics.
Dear Lord, Give me the serenity to accept that Rome wasn't built in a day. Give me the courage to admit that other people are capable of doing work too, even if they don't see or know what needs to be done.
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
A makeover
You ever watch those make over shows? Some poor soul is attacked by some know it all judges who let them know in no uncertain terms that they are AWFUL, have no taste in clothes, in fact, everything they own should be burned because no one with any self respect would be caught dead in them.
The poor soul, having no choice but to try to appear to be a good sport, allows themselves to be completely re-done, head to toe, often with a change of hair color/style, plastered make up and a new wardrobe that reflects who the attacker is... and has nothing to do with who the poor soul is.
The attackers then smugly proceed to unveil all their undoings and everyone cries about how finally, poor soul has been saved from her own self delusions of who she was and made to conform to the attackers delusions of perfection. It's dreadful. The worst self mockery or self denial, even her family tells her the smug attackers are so much better than the poor soul at knowing what's best for her. Poor soul always cries, "I don't know what I was thinking!" I always want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her, "you WEREN'T thinking! you were BEING! And there's nothing wrong with that."
So many folks miss the boat. They worry so much about the appearance of things that they miss any meaning to be found. They are slaves to some unknown master, how things should be, never realizing that there's nothing wrong with things being as they are. Or changing what needs to be changed without focusing on the exterior, learning that the interior is much more important. Why you are doing something is far more important than how. Losing sight of their own missions because they never honestly defined them to begin with. Or worse, thinking that their mission is to change another without seeing that they were attracted to the other in the first place because of who they were... not who they wanted them to be. More likely, who they wanted to be but can't see themselves because of all their rules on what things are supposed to look like.
I'm sure the attackers started out with some idea of wanting to make people happy. Most people have the best of intentions. They just get caught up in the me, me, me's of it all. They start feeling like they are sooo clever, sooo wise, no one else could possibly be as good as they. And they lose sight of what's real... WHO matters, not WHAT. It's a sad phenomenon. One that pisses me off-- I can't STAND to watch those shows. Even the commercials annoy me. Even when it's a show I like to watch... I turn it off. I feel so bad for the poor soul who doesn't know their own beauty, their own self worth and most importantly, that its not what's outside that counts.
Didn't your mama teach you that?
The poor soul, having no choice but to try to appear to be a good sport, allows themselves to be completely re-done, head to toe, often with a change of hair color/style, plastered make up and a new wardrobe that reflects who the attacker is... and has nothing to do with who the poor soul is.
The attackers then smugly proceed to unveil all their undoings and everyone cries about how finally, poor soul has been saved from her own self delusions of who she was and made to conform to the attackers delusions of perfection. It's dreadful. The worst self mockery or self denial, even her family tells her the smug attackers are so much better than the poor soul at knowing what's best for her. Poor soul always cries, "I don't know what I was thinking!" I always want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her, "you WEREN'T thinking! you were BEING! And there's nothing wrong with that."
So many folks miss the boat. They worry so much about the appearance of things that they miss any meaning to be found. They are slaves to some unknown master, how things should be, never realizing that there's nothing wrong with things being as they are. Or changing what needs to be changed without focusing on the exterior, learning that the interior is much more important. Why you are doing something is far more important than how. Losing sight of their own missions because they never honestly defined them to begin with. Or worse, thinking that their mission is to change another without seeing that they were attracted to the other in the first place because of who they were... not who they wanted them to be. More likely, who they wanted to be but can't see themselves because of all their rules on what things are supposed to look like.
I'm sure the attackers started out with some idea of wanting to make people happy. Most people have the best of intentions. They just get caught up in the me, me, me's of it all. They start feeling like they are sooo clever, sooo wise, no one else could possibly be as good as they. And they lose sight of what's real... WHO matters, not WHAT. It's a sad phenomenon. One that pisses me off-- I can't STAND to watch those shows. Even the commercials annoy me. Even when it's a show I like to watch... I turn it off. I feel so bad for the poor soul who doesn't know their own beauty, their own self worth and most importantly, that its not what's outside that counts.
Didn't your mama teach you that?
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Reiki Share
At the Share today:
21 People.
14 Reiki Healers.
5 Reiki Masters.
How is that possible? Barry has said over and over again during this journey... Linda. If you build it, they will come. If you build it...
Wow. It's built. They are coming. I am amazed. I've been doing this for years, have had small successes, small failures, big mountaintop moments, crushing stressed out moments, times when I've had to really just trust... times when I've thrown it all in. The one thing I have really had to learn is that I create my own destiny. For many years, I was unsure. I had trouble committing to this path, worried that it wouldn't work, worried that I didn't have the energy, worried that, well, that I would build it and they wouldn't come.
For years, they have come. Through all my wishy washy-ness, they have come. Even when I've pushed them away, whether intentionally or unintentionally, they have come. They have taught me so much more than I have ever taught them. A year ago, I made a decision to commit. I realized that by trying so hard to stay small, I was making myself small. Marianne Williamson says our real fear is not that we are inadequate... it's that we are powerful beyond belief. Wise woman.
When I turned 49, it dawned on me that if I didn't build it now.. it wouldn't be built. It hit me that I wasn't doing anyone a favor by staying small. Many people supported me and kept giving me messages of encouragement. I started looking for new ways... new places.. a new partner. We built it. And they are coming. It's beautiful, wonderful, magical. And hopefully, not fleeting. So much is still up in the air. So much uncertainty. 21 people. Where were they? And where will they go if we can't stay? Where will we go?
Trust. Keep showing up. Keep putting it out there. Smile. And most important, BELIEVE. James says I don't realize how much support I have, how many people believe in me. He's right. I don't. But I'm learning.
All shall be well. May the healing Light be with you. Namaste'
21 People.
14 Reiki Healers.
5 Reiki Masters.
How is that possible? Barry has said over and over again during this journey... Linda. If you build it, they will come. If you build it...
Wow. It's built. They are coming. I am amazed. I've been doing this for years, have had small successes, small failures, big mountaintop moments, crushing stressed out moments, times when I've had to really just trust... times when I've thrown it all in. The one thing I have really had to learn is that I create my own destiny. For many years, I was unsure. I had trouble committing to this path, worried that it wouldn't work, worried that I didn't have the energy, worried that, well, that I would build it and they wouldn't come.
For years, they have come. Through all my wishy washy-ness, they have come. Even when I've pushed them away, whether intentionally or unintentionally, they have come. They have taught me so much more than I have ever taught them. A year ago, I made a decision to commit. I realized that by trying so hard to stay small, I was making myself small. Marianne Williamson says our real fear is not that we are inadequate... it's that we are powerful beyond belief. Wise woman.
When I turned 49, it dawned on me that if I didn't build it now.. it wouldn't be built. It hit me that I wasn't doing anyone a favor by staying small. Many people supported me and kept giving me messages of encouragement. I started looking for new ways... new places.. a new partner. We built it. And they are coming. It's beautiful, wonderful, magical. And hopefully, not fleeting. So much is still up in the air. So much uncertainty. 21 people. Where were they? And where will they go if we can't stay? Where will we go?
Trust. Keep showing up. Keep putting it out there. Smile. And most important, BELIEVE. James says I don't realize how much support I have, how many people believe in me. He's right. I don't. But I'm learning.
All shall be well. May the healing Light be with you. Namaste'
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
and once I get through this...
I'm in the 'I gotta get through this and then' game. You know the one. Life takes a turn for the busy. You start running a bit quicker, jazzing up, trying to get more done in a shorter amount of time, thinking that as soon as you complete that one task, you will have time to rest. Barry has teased me for years about my false sense of schedule clearing after "this next week". It's been super crazy with stuff stacking up on top of each other. Mostly laundry.
Don't get me wrong. I love it. I intended it. It's on my vision board. But woooo weeeeee its been hectic. Thank God some of it is stress management practices LOL. It's easy to be hectic when the activities include Ki Gong, Meditation, Reiki, Yoga & SoulCollage. I mean, seriously, how bad could it be? But it has been crazy trying to plan and prepare for the next thing. And the next. But after this week, it gets better. hahahahhahahahaha
Just kidding. I think I come up for air on March... 20? I dunno. Hey. I'll sleep when I'm dead, right?
Don't get me wrong. I love it. I intended it. It's on my vision board. But woooo weeeeee its been hectic. Thank God some of it is stress management practices LOL. It's easy to be hectic when the activities include Ki Gong, Meditation, Reiki, Yoga & SoulCollage. I mean, seriously, how bad could it be? But it has been crazy trying to plan and prepare for the next thing. And the next. But after this week, it gets better. hahahahhahahahaha
Just kidding. I think I come up for air on March... 20? I dunno. Hey. I'll sleep when I'm dead, right?
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