Jenny's Place aka D&D's aka the shore...

Ahhh, I'm sitting in one of my top ten places in the world, watching the water go gently by, breathing deep. Perspective Place is what it really should be called. I've been here for a week, off and on by myself. I've never been anywhere by myself but home. It's very strange. I'm fine during the day, better than fine in fact, but nights have been a little tricky. So silly, I don't believe I have ever had a room to myself in my life. For 29 years I've had a man sleep right beside me-- closest to the door in case anyone tries to get in LOL. Prior to that I shared a room with a revolving door of cousins and of course, my dad was a big strong marine so I never was afraid of anything. It's weird to lay awake listening to the creaks and worry what they are. Ugh. I'm kinda mad at myself for being a silly ninny but it's given me time to really think about what it would be like to be alone.

I've decided that for all the craziness and noise and mess and inconvenience and having to share, I really prefer having my family and my husband. After the last couple months of not having one minute to myself, this was a good lesson to learn. I think every now and then you have to re-choose your choices so you can remind yourself why you chose them to begin with and commit to the fact that they ARE your choices. I'm a lucky woman who has made good choices, glad I got a chance to remember that. Plus, it's a heck of a lot more fun to kayak, go out to dinner, shop and walk on the beach with a friend than alone.

I've spent a lot of time stream of consciousness journaling, meditating by the water, writing in my gratitude journal, reading silly smut books, doing readings, sending and receiving Reiki, and listening to the Great Masters on audio since there is not a working TV here (yay!). I have Rhia's old laptop so computer use is more frustrating than productive and I'm pretty happy about that. Mostly I've listened to the quiet, found my spirit and settled into "me". No titles, nothing to do, nothing to be, no one to tell me who I am, just finding that small, still voice and breathing. I've realized how many voices have been clamoring in my head, loudest of all is that wretched ego one telling me all kinds of horrible things about me and everyone I know. I knew when I woke up this morning feeling love for everything and everyone that I had finally shut that bitch up. Oh, she'll keep trying to talk but I can just take the next breath and watch her dissolve.

Settling into the silence. Not trying to change anything. Just being. That's peace. Ahhh, shoulder's just dropped a little bit more. Barry comes in tonight, I think he'll be happy to find his wife is back.

Thanks D & D, Gramma & Jenny... the ducks, heron, deer, egrets, water and breeze have been a real life saver.

Topsy Turvy Rightside Up

Life stills seems kinda surreal. Like things appear normal but it's like I'm looking through a car's side mirror. Or maybe how everything looked to Eve after she bit into the apple. Or how I imagine one would feel upon waking from a year long coma.

Everything seems bigger than it is. Simple things like a quiet afternoon alone, going to Target and buying luxuries like a new scrubby for the pots and pans or taking time on a Saturday to paint my rocking chair all seems like HUGE events, not just the normal daily routine. Being able to blog twice in one week without interruption... well, maybe a little but pretty much the ability to think an entire thought through. Amazing.

I'm realizing that things round here have been way more stressful for way longer than I realized. Barry's pay cuts, Rhia's college stuff, my business start up, Cory's dilemmas, the play, the whole space shuttle limbo land, coming home to Barry losing his job, Rhia coming home and not sure where to go next, the loss of friends literally and emotionally, all of it has been going on and on and I just keep plugging away, taking on the world and not really noticing that I'm getting a bit loo loo in the process.

I've always been like that. When the crisis hits, I jump in, both feet, calm and collected and take charge (part of being the oldest) Afterwards, I fall apart. Sometimes I don't notice that there hasn't been an afterwards for a very long time. I didn't really notice it this time until the other day when I heard myself saying horrible things about myself in my head. Whoa! Hadn't heard that wretch's voice for awhile. You know, the one who tells you you're not good enough, no one likes you, you should go eat worms.... yeah, that one.

eeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrchhhhhhhhhhh! Brakes came on. Fortunately, I know how to get rid of that wretched negative person. I've fought her before and decimated her... each time. I have the tools and Thank God, now I have the time.

So, I'm off to the beach. Gonna stare at some liquid light for awhile. Let the breeze blow through my hair, shake the cobwebs out of my mind. I think I'll leave Saturday and come back when I freaking feel like it.... Gosh! Fortunately, the rational one reserved me a spot a month or so ago but the wretched one was convincing me I couldn't go cause I have to work cause when people miss yoga it's hard for them to start back up and blahdeblahde....

I'll still teach Tuesday & Thursday... cept it will be in Fenwick on the deck overlooking the water. Come on up! See you there! I'll be the relaxed one with the smile on my face.... :)

Been a tough week

So little to tell. But so much to feel.

My best friend moved to Florida. I'm deliriously happy for her. Even though it feels like the end of an era. We've been best friends for 25? years. She's one of those rare souls you meet in your life that you know you have an instant not only in this life connection. We have gone months without seeing or sometimes even talking to each other but there has never been a moment where one of us couldn't pick up the phone and have a 3 hour conversation where ever we left off. We sometimes don't even need words, it's that kind of "well, you know..." and "yes I do" sort of friendship. There has never been a time in the last 25 years that I didn't always have the idea in my back pocket that if I was ever truly in need, I could pick up the phone and she would be there. Instantly. And I for her. Even if I was afraid to cross the Woodrow Wilson.

I remember humongous, monumental life changing conversations while painting the bathroom, putting on my roof, cleaning out her closets. We never had to say things like, "I'm so sorry I haven't been in touch" or feel guilty because we KNEW, we got each other, we understood that you can love each other and not have to be constantly worried that the other would be mad cause you didn't call. She always said she knew when we needed to talk we would... not cause we had to. Goodbyes were always easy cause there was no need for excuses. "Talk to ya.." "k-bye" Which over the years became "love ya" "yeah, me too" Like somehow we knew our lives would eventually go separate ways, well, more separate than the last few years.

2 Weddings, Miscarriages, Births, Break ups, Breakdowns, Deaths, you name it, we saw each other through it. We used to go to her Mom's trailer every March & October for our birthdays, once her mom allowed it. Ha ha, both of our mother's were not thrilled with our friendship... I think they sensed that we were a united front, no longer at their mercy... like I said, we GOT each other. I have never been closer to another person, never been more REAL than I am with her (cept with Barry of course, but that's different) She's an amazing soul and I have been blessed to have her in my life. STILL.

I know nothings really changed. Intellectually I get it. She's now just a plane ride away, probably quicker than it has been trying to ride the beltway, I like flying better anyhow. It just feels weird to be so many states apart. It's going to be much better cause when she comes up here she will actually stay with me and when I go see her I'll be in Florida, one of my favorite places to be. And she'll be happy. And that makes me really, really, really happy. She deserves it.

Love you!

And then there was quiet.

Have you ever had quiet be so loud you felt like it was pounding in your ears?
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Yeah, that's my house right now :)
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I will be happy to enjoy that... as soon as I clean all the Wonka stuff up.
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Have you ever had the entire contents of your art/clothing/lights/paint/tools/paperwork/christmas decorations moved from your house to the church and then back to your house? If you have, you've done a play. Plus I get to inherit all the random stuff that people forgot. Anyone missing a plum jacket? Or need 20 programs? How bout T-shirts? Got some of those too. And what will I do with the hula hoops?
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Oh how Barry lucked out. And oh how happy I am that he did. He did at least move his office stuff out of my office. LOL, I only knew cause there was a hole in the piles of stuff on the table... curious how every single surface can be completely covered cept the small square where his laptop was.
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Does anyone know who stole all our food? Feel like Mother Hubbard. The only thing in the fridge is a large pizza box... I'm afraid to look inside.
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Oh well, not complaining really. I don't have to feel sad that Wonka is over because it will take me at least a month to get it all straightened out. Just the scraps of paper with hieroglyphics indicating who we owe and what we spent and what was deposited will keep me busy for awhile, not to mention the dreaded returning and accounting of the scripts.
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It was a lovely show. The cast parties were delightful, what a great group of parents and kids and friends. The set was dismantled in a breath-taking amount of time. I could not believe the help and support we had. Everyone, everywhere working diligently, it was marvelous... btw, does anyone know where my vacuum cleaner ended up?
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Have I ever mentioned how much I love these guys?:


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They would say, "yes, Miss Linda...we know..."

One last thing: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE NEXT PLAY WILL BE!!!!
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Or do I? It may be buried under the Oompa hat supplies...