When did my baby grow up?

Look at this-- it's my daughter's first college essay:

My first college essay.
Basically we had to write a reflection essay. So here ya go.

I was born on March 23, 1990 in a hospital near my hometown of Bowie, Maryland. I lived with my brother, Cory and my parents, along with a plethora of animals. We have always had a dog in the house. Currently, it's our smallest dog ever, an American Eskimo, Suki, who we love to death. My schooling experiences have not been traditional, to say the least. When I first went to preschool, up until about first grade, I didn't enjoy school because I would get homesick and not want to leave my mom. After I settled into the idea of school, I loved learning, until sixth grade came along. I had an awful teacher, so bad that I had to transfer classes. This year began the rapid decline of my public school career. I made it until tenth grade, when my grades were remarkably low, and I never wanted to go to school. It was then that I decided to become homeschooled. This decision changed my life. I learned so much about myself, and became so much happier than I ever was in public school. My life experiences so far have taught me that I am in control of my life, and I don't have to do anything just because it's the "normal way."

I have an interesting story on how I ended up at Montreat. I came to two of the youth conferences here, one in 2004 and one in 2006, with my youth group. The first year, I absolutely hated everything about my experience, and swore to never come back. However, in 2006, I was feeling called to give Montreat a second chance. So I decided to come back, and it was absolutely the right choice. On my second trip here, I truly found God. When I was considering apply to college last year, I felt a strong feeling that God wanted me to come back to Montreat and go here for school. The feeling was so strong that Montreat was actually the only college I applied to.

Outside of the classroom, I am a total theatre person. I love to sing, act, and dance. I've been in over twenty shows in the past six years. Offstage, I love to take road trips, exploring the beautiful world that God has created. I enjoy taking these trips, or hanging out at home, with my friends, who are always fun and know how to have a good time. My mom is my best friend, but both my parents are my heroes. If I had to pick one word to describe myself, it would definitely be "optimistic," and I'm pretty sure my friends would agree. I am always trying to look on the bright side of things, and if people are feeling down, I'll try to cheer them up and show them that things could be worse. I try to not take life too seriously, and I don't enjoy when people are stressed or angry. A philosophy of mine is "why waste precious time being upset when you have so many things to be happy about?"

The thing I am most excited about being at college is the same thing I'm most afraid of, and that would be living in a place so completely different from my hometown, and having to be away from everyone I know. That's probably the hardest part of living in one place your whole life: not knowing what else is out there. That's also my biggest problem in the classroom. I've always had bad experiences with school and learning, so I came already expecting to not have a good time. Little did I know that college is ten times different than what I know, and I am already having a great time with my classes. So my next biggest problem will be not procrastinating and actually taking time to study, which is something I've rarely had to do before. I am motivated by how proud my parents are of me, as neither of them got the chance to go to college; they make me want to succeed.

I think that being educated is not about knowing everything in the world. I think that a truly educated person is someone who is happy and comfortable with themselves. They don't worry about how they are being perceived; they just do what feels right to them. I can only hope to build that kind of confidence in myself over the next few years.

I am pretty positive that I want to major in Bible and Religion, with a focus in Youth Ministry. I have always loved kids, and work well with them. I would love to help middle schoolers and high schoolers find salvation in God and Jesus Christ. I would love to be able to help them find true happiness, just as I have found, because it can be hard at their age. Five years after graduation, I see myself working in a church, taking the youth groups on trips to places like Montreat, but most of all, I see myself happy.

She sure got the proud of her part right. :)

ssshhhhh

It's so quiet in my house. Like the silence is thundering. And unusual. It hasn't been this quiet in my house for years. Yesterday I just kinda wandered around resisting the impulse to turn on loud music or worse, sitcoms with laugh tracks that drive me nuts. It's even stranger because it's really quiet outside too since all the kiddies went back to school... my ears are ringing.

When I started this journey of spirituality, this silence was healing, soothing, a rarity in my life. I grew up in a very noisy household-- tv in every room turned up loud all day, radios, yelling... it took me a long time to get used to and comfortable with silence. When both of my kids were in school at the same time (years and years ago) and I stopped working full time, there was a brief period of time that this was my norm. And I loved it. And I thrived and became me. There's a sense of familiarity about this silence but it's almost like it happened in another life. It certainly has nothing to do with the last couple years of my life.

It feels weird. I'm not sure what to do with it. I did a little planting, a little cleaning, a little organizing, basically going back and forth to my computer to see if she was on and did she get her package??!!! and she was on but she was busy!? and isn't that wonderful but wow, isn't it QUIET around here??? Wonder when Cory gets home from school and work?

I will get used to it. I will thrive and grow and become me again. I need to give myself some time to listen for the stillness and the be-ing. It's right. And will be a wonderful gift. Once I get used to it. I can't wait to see where it takes me.

Sssshhhh....

Hi Ho, Hi Ho... it's off to work....I go...

Feel like a bomb has gone off in my life. And now I'm supposed to just get up and go to work. Like a shell. Cept my work is to be present, to be open to the Universe and hear the messages. So I guess I may have to take the exclamation point out of my head.

I've really had an urge lately to just get a regular 9-5 job with a boss that tells me what to do so I don't have to think. I can just meekly follow instructions and come home and crash in front of the tv with a bottle of wine and some chips. Anything else seems exhausting. (yes, I know the word "meek" and me do not connect-- and a boss that tells me what to do is just silly)

Last night I had a vivid dream. I was back at my old job as the manager of a mortgage company. Only thing is, I had some kind of emergency that I had to take care of so I ended up in the parking lot at work in my present state. So, instead of a business suit, make up and high heels I had on exercise clothes and for some reason I didn't have any shoes. Girl scout cookies were in the dream too??? Whatever, I'm sure it's not relevant. Anyway, I'm standing in the parking lot, frantically searching my car for something suitable to put on-- it's 10:30-- I'm 3 hours late and have a huge meeting and I can't even find any shoes. I think I may have tried to make shoes out of the Girl scout cookie boxes???

I get into the office, smoothing my hair as best I can (and if you've seen my hair....) and right away get called on the carpet to the big boss who is so furious that she won't deal with me and sends the secretary out to give me the warnings and probation and notations on my file, blah, blah, blah. Now, the secretary was not my secretary at this company, it was the secretary at another place I had worked who was/is a real dippsy doodle... this is for real. So, while this dipsy doodle is reading me the riot act in my dream, I start thinking, "what the heck am I thinking? I can't work at a job with rules and bs.... I made this company millions of dollars and this dippsy doodle who can't even spell is gonna put me on probation? I quit!!! I'll start my own business and it will be something real and not with arbitrary rules that have nothing to do with reality......"

And then I woke up.

I'm kinda glad I got that whole thing over with last night so I didn't have to spend the next 6 months blowing up my life only to figure out the same thing that I've already figured out a bazillion times.

Do you think dipsy is spelled with one p or 2?

Thank you so much to those of you offering support and understanding. I am still hoping this will work out. Rhia is sad. But she is trying. This is all very hard, harder than we imagined.

Hopefully, we will start to come out the other end of this soon.

I will blog again when I am coherent-- but in the meantime, thanks for your kind words, they mean the world to me.

An Apology

Sometimes I feel so clueless. Eckhart Tolle says that you can study honey your whole life, even get a Phd. in honey but unless you actually taste honey you really just don't have a clue what honey is all about.

A lot of my friends sent their kids off to college in the last few years. I smiled at them, congratulated them, maybe even secretly envied them but never once did I have any understanding of what they were going through. This is hard. Really hard. Like, the hardest thing I have ever done. There have been many times in the last week where I thought I may not make it through this.

Both of my kids hated school. They wanted to be home, hanging out. I have a vivid memory of literally dragging Cory down the side walk to preschool, him screaming and protesting the whole way. It breaks your heart to do that to your child, leave them somewhere sobbing and calling your name. You have to trust. The teachers, the other students, mostly God. Cory grew out of it, in fact, most days Cory would do anything to get out of here. Except, actually move out of here LOL!

Rhia, on the other hand, never grew out of it. She would have to be peeled off my body, while she screamed, "mommy!!!!!". Oh Lord, you just can't imagine. She has vivid memories of this... she even blogged about it yesterday. The school thing did get a bit better, especially once she became home schooled (ha ha?) but then she started with extreme homesickness. She never really wanted to do sleep overs unless they were here, even when she would sleep over the next door neighbor's house we would get a phone call in the middle of the night saying they were sending her home... she would toddle over in her jammies, just wanting to be home.

When she turned 12, we sent her to camp with a friend. I can still hear her sobs through the woods... and my own. Each time she went to work camp and yes, even Montreat we would get a phone call the first night with a crying Rhia who was trying her best to cope but really suffering from homesickness. She knows and I know that this is something she needed to and needs to overcome but knowing this intellectually does not make it any easier. We had many talks about this while making the decision to go to Montreat College, 10 hours away. She felt sure, she felt like she was being called to go there... and she was. But, wow. God is really putting her (and us) to the test.

The good news is: She's coping. And becoming much stronger. And receiving massive revelations and insights, which is what hardship sometimes brings. She is growing and we are seeing glimpses of that amazing woman we knew she would turn into.

And me? I am so sorry that I wasn't more available to those girl friends of mine that have gone through this before me. I had no idea.

Thank you all who are praying and offering comfort-- we feel you. Please continue to hold Cory and Rhia and yes, Barry & I in your thoughts... we are getting there. It's a bit harder than we expected but we are coming through to the other side of it now-- and are sooooo grateful that Rhia is getting this opportunity to shine her light and make it even brighter. Look at this college girl:

I am so proud of her. I can't believe how blessed we are to have such a wonderful daughter. I can't wait to see the next chapter!

Hardest

Weekend

Ever.

No Words.

This Sucks.

Growth is hard.

The Universe Speaks

The greatest gift a parent can give a child, Linda, is the ability to become independently happy.

And the greatest gift a child can give a parent is exercising that ability.

Happily,
The Universe

You gotta love the Universe, so wise. We are on the home stretch here in the Rhia goes to School sweepstakes. Did the shopping, started packing, spent her gift cards (that she needs to mail the thank you notes for, errrghhhh!) You know how you anticipate something for a really long time and then you just get to a point where you just want to get on with it? It's time to move on. I know she feels it. I know I feel it. It's weird. I guess this is maturity where you know things are gonna be tough occasionally but you know they are going to be great occasionally too.

Acceptance. And maybe a bit of excitement. I'm gonna have a kid go to college! (2 kids actually) No one in my family has ever gone to college. My mom didn't go past the 8th grade, my dad the 9th. They come from very poor folk, they had to work and help support their families, there was no time for school. My mom ironed clothes and worked at People's Drug Store, my dad became a welder and eventually became a builder with his own business. We are blue collar people. My brothers are both construction and HVAC workers. I am of course, a no collar worker. Rhia is the first of my side of the family to actually go away to college and have the whole dorm, well rounded education thing. This is amazing if you think about it.

Barry's family has all been to college and are very wealthy as a result. Doctors, teachers, scientists... To them this is an inevitability. To my family (and me) it is a jaw dropping fantasy. I'm so proud of her. I am so amazed at her perseverance and tenacity in knowing what was (is) best for her and insisting on it. She has a gift of knowing the right thing to do even when everyone, including her parents, are telling her to do something else.

Both of my kids are blessings to this poor ole uneducated yoga teacher. They have the best of both worlds... book learnin' and street smarts or should I say 'heart smarts'? I have always been able to trust that they know the right things even when I don't agree with them. And Thank God, I learned that lesson so early and let them go with their own guts.

When I was 16 I found this poem and it became my blueprint for how I would raise my kids. I pass it on now...


On Children
~Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit,
not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Dropping it.

So, I have decided to drop it. No need to continue. One of the basic principals of Zen is to drop the thoughts, become like water when the splash occurs. Ripple and become smooth.

Witness the circles but don't get caught up in them. We are the water. Not the circles. It's pointless to keep going over the same things over and over unless the goal is to have something to go over and over. That's about $4000 worth of wisdom right there. Free as my gift to you.

So I have added a new title to my list of titles. Smellologist. A new friend of mine has been calling me Wise Woman due to an inside joke about Witches vs. Wise Women and I think I'm going to start signing things as Linda Miller, WW. Smellologist.

In other news, the Olympics start tonight! This is humongous in our household... We usually bring our king sized mattress down for 2 weeks and sleep downstairs in front of the big tv so we don't miss any of it but in the interest of my business and Barry's back, that's probably not going to happen this year. Plus we have a DVR. Have a bit of a dilemma tonight though. I LOVE the opening ceremonies... love them. Watch every minute, cry, laugh, rejoice, I'm such a sap. We've been invited to watch them at a very fun place but we are worried about watching them instead of the fun. Oh yeah, I have a DVR. Not the same though. I do feel a bit guilty watching cause we really should be boycotting and supporting the Dalai Lama but I think the Dalai Lama probably wouldn't want us to penalize the athletes for China's atrocities... it's so complicated being a thinking person.

Do I seem a little scattered to you? It probably to be expected right now.

Last night at yoga, there was a big crew so we were in the church. During relaxation, I laid down after talking them into peace. Usually I stay up and make sure everyone is okay. But I'm sort of tired, you know? I must have drifted a bit because the next thing I was aware of was a really spooky voice.... and it seemed to be coming from the sacristy.... and I thought it was Sheree. (?) I bolted up, looking around for her and she was laying in relaxation on her mat.

First thought: How is she DOING that????

Second thought: Duh. It's the music.

Third thought: Who's music is that?

Final thought: Hello McFly!!!!

After thought: Wouldn't it be funny if I had bolted up and all my students were standing over me wondering if I was ever gonna wake up and take them out of relaxation?

Even funnier: What if it was Sunday and all the churchgoers were coming in wondering why we were all laying there around the stage? Still.

I think it may be time for that vacation....

You wouldn't believe it....

I can't believe the last few days. I'm not certain what all this craziness was all about but there have been times when I thought this may be it. I have ran through such a range of emotions and been so insanely pressured and busy that I haven't begun to deal with what I thought I would be dealing with. I really have been at a point where I thought I may crack. Really. Me. Man. This has been nuts. I'm thinking the worst is over...for a while anyway. Like 9 days. Then the real worst comes. And the best. All at once. The good news is: Rhia is going to college at Montreat. She will be able to go.

For the last 6 months we have been working with the college and FAFSA (federal funding for college) to try and get our numbers changed since Barry's company has cut his pay by 1/3--he works for a civil engineering firm and as you know, the economy is down the tube. Rhia is scheduled to start school on the 15th. On Saturday we get a notice from the school that after submitting and re-submitting and re-re-submitting all our paperwork and getting notice from FAFSA that they cut the amount they think we could spend in half... the school basically said, "that's nice, here's a bone but you still owe your whole life savings.... oh you don't have a life savings? sucks to be you!" Sigh.

I had to dust off me old Linda Miller-financier extraordinaire hat and figure out what the heck we were gonna do. Trouble is it was buried under 21 years of mothering, foster parenting, therapuetic nursery care, yogaing, reiki-ing, 9/11, snipers, and we won't go into all the other personal tragedies that ate my brain. I'm sure you have all experienced the last 21 years as brain eating magpie fish.

And then the tree cutters came.

We have a tree in our back yard that I may have blogged about before. We call it our God tree. In a moment of supreme presence, a face became obvious. I don't really care what you think about tree huggers-- I (and my family) proudly wear my badge. Our backyard is a certified National Wildlife Habitat. When BGE came out to discuss cutting down our trees, I was reasonable. I agreed with them about most of the trees that were near their lines, we worked out what branches, the gentleman looked me in the eye and said they would not touch my God tree. It's nowhere near their line, if anything had to be cut it would maybe be a branch. So, trusting that they would keep their word we were amused when they came out the first time, all 10 of them, took one look and all 10 filed away. We thought maybe they would change their minds and that would be just fine with us. I don't really care if my power goes out-- it's kinda fun actually...for the first 5 days.

Anyway, as I was getting ready to go to work on Monday, they came back. I smiled at them, removed my clothes from the clothesline (yes--I dry my clothes outside, what else would a good tree hugger do?) and I went to work. Now, remember, I was already stressed to my max. Had just been to the doctor who prescribed tranquilizers and get this: yoga for my 150/100 blood pressure......

I came home and they had cut all the branches off my God tree. All of them. Hadn't touched another tree on the lot. None of the ones we discussed. Only my God tree.

The last time they came through and butchered like this I let my german shepherd loose on them. I looked at Suki, my little eskimo spitz, who was hiding under the table scared of the noise and figured I needed to be the german shepherd.

15 minutes later I had the supervisor for BGE, the city forester & the state DNR rep out. But the damage was done. It's not as if they could super-glue the branches back. So, I made them agree to not touch another tree and got those bastards out of my yard. The wreckage left behind is heartbreaking. I couldn't start dealing with it until yesterday because I needed to keep dealing with the whole financial thing for Rhia. Who was heartbroken about her God tree. As was Cory. And don't even start Barry on it... It's just ugly, our family feels like we were butchered, we were lied to, they took advantage of my being gone to ...... whatever, who knows what their vendetta is.

to be continued....