Vague

This cold just keeps hanging on. It's getting better, I think, at least better enough that I don't think I need to go to the doctor but each day brings some new joy to deal with. The worst is just this vagueness. I feel like I'm walking around in a fog. Thoughts come up but I can't quite think them through. And it's probably a good thing because they are not pleasant ones anyway. I just have a vague sense of something wrong. Like I made a mistake somewhere....but I'm not sure where.

I began last month with a exhilarating sense of motivation and anticipation. I really felt like I had thought many things through and was making good decisions for my future. About the 3rd week, I realized that although some decisions were good, some were not. I was exhausted and starting to get cranky. I was trying to look at it as a learning experience and not think too hard about it and just keep plugging away but then I got a couple of slams to make me stop.

Life is just so confusing sometimes. Especially if you think things happen for a reason. I really believe that there are signs all around us and we just have to learn to interpret them. Trouble is, whenever I think I'm interpreting the signs well, something comes up to bite me in the you know and I realize I never knew anything to begin with. I've never been really good at subtle. I tend to go along, all happy and go lucky, and then boom! realize I missed a major clue and made a big time wrong turn.

That's how I feel right now. Only I still don't know what the major clue was or where the wrong turn was. And I know the more I think about it, the more it will elude me. My monkey mind will just keep on chattering, making me feel really bad about myself, making me imagine that everyone hates me and that I'm a failure unless I just ignore it, do my job and wait for whatever it is to reveal itself. Patience. Ugh. Me and Veruca Salt have a lot in common.

Oh well. At least the weather is nice.