Now, don't get me wrong. I love my job. Most of it. 99% of it. Which is quite a bit all things considered. But I love my life too. Sometimes I feel like I spend far too much time on my job and not enough on my life. Sometimes I even think my job IS my life. Which it is, sort of. But there's another side where I'm not in charge, where I'm lazy (gasp!), where I like to listen to music that has words (!!!) and where I play mindless silly games with my silly family, cackling and carrying on.
At Thanksgiving, other than the whole cooking and (ugh) Christmas decorating, I am just me. I sit. I schlep. I eat (way too much, which is a strong selling point for working) and chill out. My daughter comes home and we giggle over little inside jokes... esp. at church :-(... and we do girly things like go to a beauty parlor and get gelaties... not at the beauty parlor of course. But alas, she is on her way home. I am trying to motivate myself to conquer my long to do list. The fact that I am WAY behind doesn't seem to be all that motivating.
Things are changing in our world. I want this little slice of time to stay. I don't want to go to the next part.. and the next... and really to the next. I want this 4 day weekend, with family, to go on and on. I want to sit on my couch and look over at my baby, all grown up and wise, and just bask in her loveliness. But I know that her loveliness comes from her being off my couch. The wisdom is from her spreading her wings and learning about the world beyond this one. I am blessed that this is one of her landing spaces.
Fine, I'll get up and do my work. After a shower. And maybe another bon bon or two.
Hope your Thanksgiving was lovely, too.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
3 in a row?
I don't really have time to blog today. Of course, I didn't yesterday either. But my head feels clearer, I feel like I am back in me mode. It's funny, I have done the 3 pages a day from the Artist Way on and off for years... but I find that it evolves into a to do list, or worse, ends up being the same old whiny crap year after year. Life doesn't usually change that much year to year if you look at it by the day. It's when you look back 5 years or so that you realize, "holy moly, who saw that coming?"
I went to a crystal bowl soundscape Friday night. I am trying to do stuff that I would have done before I started doing it primarily for work. It's important to remember how to be experiencing instead of giving the experience. For example, it was interesting to watch other people doing my job, leading a group. I'm usually really hard on myself about not being organized enough, or not being clear enough or people not liking me. (sheesh, does that EVER go away?) It was great to see that even though these teachers were not exactly overly organized or great speakers, in fact, at one point Barry & I were sending calm Reiki to one of them, everyone, including me, had a really great experience. Something to tuck away in the back of my mind when I start beating myself up. Like I wish I had tucked away the grammar rules for the use of commas and semi colons....
Anyway, this meditation was really interesting. We were in this little room-- not even as big as our studio-- and the teacher had 7 big, beautiful crystal bowls. (I'm not gonna lie, I was coveting those bowls) She began to play them and the sound was immense. Like, I felt it was reverberating around my head... at one point, I started to think that I wasn't going to be able to take that noise for a whole hour, I may have to start screaming and run out of the room. But then, this beautiful angel started singing. She had the clearest, purest voice I've ever heard. She was singing ancient chants and hymns, it was gorgeous. I felt someone place a large crystal on my solar chakra and the warmth of the crystal combined with the warmth of her voice and I became mesmerized. My body felt so heavy I couldn't move. Just kept sinking deeper and deeper into the earth. To the point that it almost became uncomfortable. Almost.
The Reiki Master, who was Karuna like me (a different branch of Reiki) started coming around giving Reiki. One of the reasons I went was to get Karuna reiki, I've given it but never received it. He started at my feet, and I was a bit surprised because his hands were cold. No worries, I know Reiki isn't always passed through warm hands. I didn't feel much energy from him but I think it's cause I was trapped in an ego mind instead of just experiencing. By the time he got to my head, his hands were warmer, I kept wondering whether he could sense that I was Karuna too... again, ego mind. Ugh. It was pleasant for sure, but I was feeling more energy from the crystal on my belly. All the while the noise is tremendous with the bowls and the singing, it was a really wild experience.
And then suddenly, it was quiet. The teacher played a small Tibetan bowl on either side of each of our ears... and then silence. She came around with a rain stick... after all the noise, it was so beautiful. After a few more minutes of absolute silence, she starts to bring us back.... asking us to roll over when we are ready. I sort of panic a bit because I don't know whether to grab the crystal off my belly first or wait for them to get it but when it became obvious they weren't going to, I slowly roll over. Yep. No crystal. No where. Never was. Interesting...
I've always had a solar chakra imbalance. Whenever I received Reiki from my teacher, that was where I felt it most, regardless of where her hands were. I thought I had worked that out. Apparently not.
Anyways, it was a great experience for a multitude of reasons. I spoke with the folks after and will be bringing them to my studio, I think our people will love it.
Whoops, look at the time! Gotta go!
I went to a crystal bowl soundscape Friday night. I am trying to do stuff that I would have done before I started doing it primarily for work. It's important to remember how to be experiencing instead of giving the experience. For example, it was interesting to watch other people doing my job, leading a group. I'm usually really hard on myself about not being organized enough, or not being clear enough or people not liking me. (sheesh, does that EVER go away?) It was great to see that even though these teachers were not exactly overly organized or great speakers, in fact, at one point Barry & I were sending calm Reiki to one of them, everyone, including me, had a really great experience. Something to tuck away in the back of my mind when I start beating myself up. Like I wish I had tucked away the grammar rules for the use of commas and semi colons....
Anyway, this meditation was really interesting. We were in this little room-- not even as big as our studio-- and the teacher had 7 big, beautiful crystal bowls. (I'm not gonna lie, I was coveting those bowls) She began to play them and the sound was immense. Like, I felt it was reverberating around my head... at one point, I started to think that I wasn't going to be able to take that noise for a whole hour, I may have to start screaming and run out of the room. But then, this beautiful angel started singing. She had the clearest, purest voice I've ever heard. She was singing ancient chants and hymns, it was gorgeous. I felt someone place a large crystal on my solar chakra and the warmth of the crystal combined with the warmth of her voice and I became mesmerized. My body felt so heavy I couldn't move. Just kept sinking deeper and deeper into the earth. To the point that it almost became uncomfortable. Almost.
The Reiki Master, who was Karuna like me (a different branch of Reiki) started coming around giving Reiki. One of the reasons I went was to get Karuna reiki, I've given it but never received it. He started at my feet, and I was a bit surprised because his hands were cold. No worries, I know Reiki isn't always passed through warm hands. I didn't feel much energy from him but I think it's cause I was trapped in an ego mind instead of just experiencing. By the time he got to my head, his hands were warmer, I kept wondering whether he could sense that I was Karuna too... again, ego mind. Ugh. It was pleasant for sure, but I was feeling more energy from the crystal on my belly. All the while the noise is tremendous with the bowls and the singing, it was a really wild experience.
And then suddenly, it was quiet. The teacher played a small Tibetan bowl on either side of each of our ears... and then silence. She came around with a rain stick... after all the noise, it was so beautiful. After a few more minutes of absolute silence, she starts to bring us back.... asking us to roll over when we are ready. I sort of panic a bit because I don't know whether to grab the crystal off my belly first or wait for them to get it but when it became obvious they weren't going to, I slowly roll over. Yep. No crystal. No where. Never was. Interesting...
I've always had a solar chakra imbalance. Whenever I received Reiki from my teacher, that was where I felt it most, regardless of where her hands were. I thought I had worked that out. Apparently not.
Anyways, it was a great experience for a multitude of reasons. I spoke with the folks after and will be bringing them to my studio, I think our people will love it.
Whoops, look at the time! Gotta go!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Glad I got that outta my system...
So, back to our regularly scheduled programming....my son and I had an interesting conversation the other day. He (lets just call him Negative Nathan) was saying that he didn't believe in the idea of soul-mates and that you should only be in a relationship when it's good and if the person starts to become really annoying, you should just break it off. Like, it's okay to argue a bit, but if you get to the "I don't like you" stage, it's time to throw in the towel and move on to the next.
Having been married for 32 years, I strongly disagree. In fact, his mere existence is proof of the error of his thinking. We didn't have Nathan until we'd been married 7 years. We probably would not have lasted 1 year if we followed his philosophy. Hell, we probably wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. I tried to explain to him that relationships are how we attain the biggest growth in our lives, they act as a mirror to reflect the things about ourselves that we don't want to see... that when the relationship gets tough is the time that you actually begin to even HAVE a relationship.. up til that time it's just a fantasy. Or Lust. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
He, being Nathan, disagreed. Of course. He said it applied to all relationships, not just marriage, so when friendships get tough, get out. I thought about my true friends-- you know, not the "Hi! How Are You? Let's Have Lunch Someday" ones.. My best friend who has been my best friend for at least 30 years. We had a rip roaring fight in the first year or two of our friendship. I refused to be in her wedding for goodness sakes-- it was a crazy time. We got through. We worked it through. And we discovered a true kinship. She is closer to me than any exterior family member I have. That would have never happened if we followed the Nathan rule.
I got to thinking about my business partner slash great friend. When we formed this business relationship, I idolized her (I have a tendency to do that). I thought she was the smartest, most brilliant person I'd ever met. We'd have long philosophical conversations that I'd walk away from in awe. I really liked her. As the business unfolded, and troubles set in, life got very stressful. We started bickering. We even had a point where we thought we may have to walk away in order to maintain any semblance of friendship. It was a TOUGH year. As Rev. James says, "People behave badly when they get stressed." I think we would both agree that we made some assumptions about each other that weren't entirely accurate based on the high level of stress we were feeling.
The cool thing is what's on the other side of that craziness. I no longer idolize her. But I really admire and love her. She's real. Not a fantasy. I've seen her warts, so to speak, and I feel much closer to her on a completely different level than before. I miss our big conversations, for sure. But I like the way we work together, I think we really complement each others strengths. And weaknesses. Now that we know what they are. Sometimes I think we irritate the heck out of one another. Cause that's what family does occasionally-- our training ground for relationships. I'll take a deep realistic love for someone over a fantasy any day.
The people that we allow to push our buttons are the ones we know will always have our back. You won't know that if you don't stick in for the tough parts.
Having been married for 32 years, I strongly disagree. In fact, his mere existence is proof of the error of his thinking. We didn't have Nathan until we'd been married 7 years. We probably would not have lasted 1 year if we followed his philosophy. Hell, we probably wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. I tried to explain to him that relationships are how we attain the biggest growth in our lives, they act as a mirror to reflect the things about ourselves that we don't want to see... that when the relationship gets tough is the time that you actually begin to even HAVE a relationship.. up til that time it's just a fantasy. Or Lust. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
He, being Nathan, disagreed. Of course. He said it applied to all relationships, not just marriage, so when friendships get tough, get out. I thought about my true friends-- you know, not the "Hi! How Are You? Let's Have Lunch Someday" ones.. My best friend who has been my best friend for at least 30 years. We had a rip roaring fight in the first year or two of our friendship. I refused to be in her wedding for goodness sakes-- it was a crazy time. We got through. We worked it through. And we discovered a true kinship. She is closer to me than any exterior family member I have. That would have never happened if we followed the Nathan rule.
I got to thinking about my business partner slash great friend. When we formed this business relationship, I idolized her (I have a tendency to do that). I thought she was the smartest, most brilliant person I'd ever met. We'd have long philosophical conversations that I'd walk away from in awe. I really liked her. As the business unfolded, and troubles set in, life got very stressful. We started bickering. We even had a point where we thought we may have to walk away in order to maintain any semblance of friendship. It was a TOUGH year. As Rev. James says, "People behave badly when they get stressed." I think we would both agree that we made some assumptions about each other that weren't entirely accurate based on the high level of stress we were feeling.
The cool thing is what's on the other side of that craziness. I no longer idolize her. But I really admire and love her. She's real. Not a fantasy. I've seen her warts, so to speak, and I feel much closer to her on a completely different level than before. I miss our big conversations, for sure. But I like the way we work together, I think we really complement each others strengths. And weaknesses. Now that we know what they are. Sometimes I think we irritate the heck out of one another. Cause that's what family does occasionally-- our training ground for relationships. I'll take a deep realistic love for someone over a fantasy any day.
The people that we allow to push our buttons are the ones we know will always have our back. You won't know that if you don't stick in for the tough parts.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Relief?
Man, it's been a crazy year. I have 10 blog posts hidden from public view that I may or may not publish... I don't really want to go back and read them. This has been a tough year. I blog to clear my head, but some of those thoughts had to stay inside.
The weird thing is that one of the biggest head cloggers has finally been resolved. But instead of relief, I just feel numb. I went to a meditation Friday night where you had to decide what to let go of at the beginning. By the end of the meditation I couldn't remember what it was and decided that I must have truly let it go. Yesterday, a comment was made that I instantly reacted to. And realized, oh yeah, that's what I let go of. NOT.
I tell my clients all the time that sometimes it takes time to get rid of years of accumulated stuff. I am the last person to expect to be instantly better after a long siege but I do feel like I should at least have a sense of relief. And I do. But I'm tired. I get that things had to be what they were for blah, blah, blah reasons. And I also get that the first year of "starting" a business is probably the toughest. And I get that the biggest growth comes when we are uncomfortable. I think a year of going, going, going would have an impact regardless of the circumstances. I know it will get better. I'm asking for help, I'm picking up my "tools" to guide me, I'm praying and meditating, I'm actually giving myself permission to not always be in charge and I'm allowing myself to receive instead of constantly giving... I'm taking very deep breaths. And I'm being patient with myself, not requiring myself to 'get over it' until I can release it for real.
I thought about going to church today. I was thinking that now that the lease issue is solved that I would really like to go back to my church 'family' and personally thank those who stood by me, who fought hard and believed in our mission and didn't try to deny their connection to me. I received the most beautiful e-card from 2 of them, made me break down and cry, there are some really wonderful souls who just 'get' it. I am so thankful to them for their support, even when I was ready to throw it all in, just give up and move to Alcatraz. I am grateful. I guess the thing is... the ones I really thought had my back, who were my best friends, who I spent many hours of time outside of church, laughing and sharing our lives... haven't heard from them. All year.
I'm not ready to go to church. I am far too beat down and vulnerable. I can't be sure of my own feelings yet.. I need to get distance and perspective. I need to see clearly. I'm not one to put on a false smile and pretend to be okay while quietly working behind the scenes... and it's REALLY hard for me to figure out those that do. Don't want to be paranoid. Or stupid. So it's not time for church. Maybe later.
For now, I'll meet God in my back yard and in the eyes of the people who love me. I miss the welcoming arms of my church family, absolutely. No question. But I need to get a bit stronger to deal with the rest of it. The nice thing is that some of them reach out to me.
And for that, I am thankful.
The weird thing is that one of the biggest head cloggers has finally been resolved. But instead of relief, I just feel numb. I went to a meditation Friday night where you had to decide what to let go of at the beginning. By the end of the meditation I couldn't remember what it was and decided that I must have truly let it go. Yesterday, a comment was made that I instantly reacted to. And realized, oh yeah, that's what I let go of. NOT.
I tell my clients all the time that sometimes it takes time to get rid of years of accumulated stuff. I am the last person to expect to be instantly better after a long siege but I do feel like I should at least have a sense of relief. And I do. But I'm tired. I get that things had to be what they were for blah, blah, blah reasons. And I also get that the first year of "starting" a business is probably the toughest. And I get that the biggest growth comes when we are uncomfortable. I think a year of going, going, going would have an impact regardless of the circumstances. I know it will get better. I'm asking for help, I'm picking up my "tools" to guide me, I'm praying and meditating, I'm actually giving myself permission to not always be in charge and I'm allowing myself to receive instead of constantly giving... I'm taking very deep breaths. And I'm being patient with myself, not requiring myself to 'get over it' until I can release it for real.
I thought about going to church today. I was thinking that now that the lease issue is solved that I would really like to go back to my church 'family' and personally thank those who stood by me, who fought hard and believed in our mission and didn't try to deny their connection to me. I received the most beautiful e-card from 2 of them, made me break down and cry, there are some really wonderful souls who just 'get' it. I am so thankful to them for their support, even when I was ready to throw it all in, just give up and move to Alcatraz. I am grateful. I guess the thing is... the ones I really thought had my back, who were my best friends, who I spent many hours of time outside of church, laughing and sharing our lives... haven't heard from them. All year.
I'm not ready to go to church. I am far too beat down and vulnerable. I can't be sure of my own feelings yet.. I need to get distance and perspective. I need to see clearly. I'm not one to put on a false smile and pretend to be okay while quietly working behind the scenes... and it's REALLY hard for me to figure out those that do. Don't want to be paranoid. Or stupid. So it's not time for church. Maybe later.
For now, I'll meet God in my back yard and in the eyes of the people who love me. I miss the welcoming arms of my church family, absolutely. No question. But I need to get a bit stronger to deal with the rest of it. The nice thing is that some of them reach out to me.
And for that, I am thankful.
Friday, November 11, 2011
11/11/11
I was reading my facebook wall this morning and was struck by the dividing line between the "woo woos" and the "whoa nots". Since I walk a line in the middle (I hope) I can certainly see both sides. 20 posts thanking our veterans and their sacrifices... 20 posts saying now is time to wake up to love and compassion. I can't help but think of the unsung heros of our world, the veterans who don't get parades and applause, the ones who make quiet sacrifices without fanfare. The ones who fight hard without bloodshed. The ones who heal those damaged on every level by war and hatred.
I think of the women keeping the home fires burning, taking care of children without respite. Keeping a smile on their face when the loneliness of missing their man and the worry over losing him is close to hysteria, but yet they keep going.
I think of the babies born never knowing their father.. or worse, the children sentenced to a life of missing the comforting arms of their mother. I think of the parents who have lost their precious son or daughter, never dreaming that they would outlive their child. I think of the households where the daily energy is worry, anxiety and sadness.
I think of the innocent in the way, the ones who didn't get to make a choice whether to go to war or not. The ones whose homes are destroyed or worse, the ones whose lives are destroyed in ways most of us can't possibly understand. Thank God we can't understand.
Finally, I think of the peacemakers, the ones who fight in different ways for a better world. The ones who are accused of not caring for their country or worse, not supporting their "troops". The ones who speak up and say war is wrong. The ones who believe the only true way to support a veteran is to get them out of harms way. The healers and lightworkers sending and praying for peace, every minute of every day.
The "woo woos" believe that today is a gateway to the world waking up, to a new era being born where love and light are what is celebrated. 1111 is an awakening-- are we going to continue doing things the same way, getting the same results and wondering why? Or are we going to use our glorious brains... and hearts... and find a new way, where we let go of wanting power more than compassion? Where we realize that winning at the cost of the people is not really winning? A world that is truly united... and not just 50 states.
I would NEVER take anything away from the men and women who believed so deeply in love for their people that they paid the ultimate sacrifice. I am grateful to those who fought so bravely and so valiantly for their cause, even if it wasn't theirs to begin with. I wish blessings on the survivors of war, all of them, and hope that God comforts their wounded bodies and minds and spirits. Thank you is not enough.
However, I would call to the world to watch your words, watch out for what you are manifesting. 1111 is a snapshot into the world you are creating... are your words peaceful? Are they loving? Are they manifesting light? Or are you saying that pain and war and suffering are inevitable and necessary? We create what we feel is truth.
And so it is.
I think of the women keeping the home fires burning, taking care of children without respite. Keeping a smile on their face when the loneliness of missing their man and the worry over losing him is close to hysteria, but yet they keep going.
I think of the babies born never knowing their father.. or worse, the children sentenced to a life of missing the comforting arms of their mother. I think of the parents who have lost their precious son or daughter, never dreaming that they would outlive their child. I think of the households where the daily energy is worry, anxiety and sadness.
I think of the innocent in the way, the ones who didn't get to make a choice whether to go to war or not. The ones whose homes are destroyed or worse, the ones whose lives are destroyed in ways most of us can't possibly understand. Thank God we can't understand.
Finally, I think of the peacemakers, the ones who fight in different ways for a better world. The ones who are accused of not caring for their country or worse, not supporting their "troops". The ones who speak up and say war is wrong. The ones who believe the only true way to support a veteran is to get them out of harms way. The healers and lightworkers sending and praying for peace, every minute of every day.
The "woo woos" believe that today is a gateway to the world waking up, to a new era being born where love and light are what is celebrated. 1111 is an awakening-- are we going to continue doing things the same way, getting the same results and wondering why? Or are we going to use our glorious brains... and hearts... and find a new way, where we let go of wanting power more than compassion? Where we realize that winning at the cost of the people is not really winning? A world that is truly united... and not just 50 states.
I would NEVER take anything away from the men and women who believed so deeply in love for their people that they paid the ultimate sacrifice. I am grateful to those who fought so bravely and so valiantly for their cause, even if it wasn't theirs to begin with. I wish blessings on the survivors of war, all of them, and hope that God comforts their wounded bodies and minds and spirits. Thank you is not enough.
However, I would call to the world to watch your words, watch out for what you are manifesting. 1111 is a snapshot into the world you are creating... are your words peaceful? Are they loving? Are they manifesting light? Or are you saying that pain and war and suffering are inevitable and necessary? We create what we feel is truth.
And so it is.
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