Relief?

Man, it's been a crazy year.  I have 10 blog posts hidden from public view that I may or may not publish... I don't really want to go back and read them.  This has been a tough year. I blog to clear my head, but some of those thoughts had to stay inside. 

The weird thing is that one of the  biggest head cloggers has finally been resolved. But instead of relief, I just feel numb.  I went to a meditation Friday night where you had to decide what to let go of at the beginning.  By the end of the meditation I couldn't remember what it was and decided that I must have truly let it go. Yesterday, a comment was made that I instantly reacted to. And realized, oh yeah, that's what I let go of. NOT.

I tell my clients all the time that sometimes it takes time to get rid of years of accumulated stuff. I am the last person to expect to be instantly better after a long siege but I do feel like I should at least have a sense of relief. And I do. But I'm tired. I get that things had to be what they were for blah, blah, blah reasons. And I also get that the first year of "starting" a business is probably the toughest. And I get that the biggest growth comes when we are uncomfortable. I think a year of going, going, going would have an impact regardless of the circumstances. I know it will get better. I'm asking for help, I'm picking up my "tools" to guide me, I'm praying and meditating, I'm actually giving myself permission to not always be in charge and I'm allowing myself to receive instead of constantly giving... I'm taking very deep breaths. And I'm being patient with myself, not requiring myself to 'get over it' until I can release it for real. 

I thought about going to church today. I was thinking that now that the lease issue is solved that I would really like to go back to my church 'family' and personally thank those who stood by me, who fought hard and believed in our mission and didn't try to deny their connection to me. I received the most beautiful e-card from 2 of them, made me break down and cry, there are some really wonderful souls who just 'get' it.  I am so thankful to them for their support, even when I was ready to throw it all in, just give up and move to Alcatraz. I am grateful.  I guess the thing is... the ones I really thought had my back, who were my best friends, who I spent many hours of time outside of church, laughing and sharing our lives... haven't heard from them.  All year. 

I'm not ready to go to church.  I am far too beat down and vulnerable.  I can't be sure of my own feelings yet.. I need to get distance and perspective.  I need to see clearly.  I'm not one to put on a false smile and pretend to be okay while quietly working behind the scenes... and it's REALLY hard for me to figure out those that do.  Don't want to be paranoid.  Or stupid.  So it's not time for church.  Maybe later.

For now, I'll meet God in my back yard and in the eyes of the people who love me.  I miss the welcoming arms of my church family, absolutely.  No question. But I need to get a bit stronger to deal with the rest of it. The nice thing is that some of them reach out to me. 

And for that, I am thankful.