Blank Head with Air

So I've been thinking about reinstating my old Facebook page and limiting it to my business contacts and using my current ones for friends but alot of my friends are yogis and Reiki clients and then there's the whole theater crowd which is REALLY intense right now but after next weekend will, sadly, start to dissipate and then there's the whole random I don't know people from twitter and my mailing list and even weirder some family and school friends from looooooong ago.

My brain cannot comprehend it all. But I feel bad that my peaceful souls are having their news feed crowded with all my excited theater buddies. But I LOVE my theater buddies as much as my peaceful souls and just worry that.................

Sheesh. Is this just ridiculous or what?

When I stopped working a full time high stress manager job, one of the biggest reasons was that I felt like I had to split myself in 2. And then when Cory was born, 3. I never felt like I could talk to my friends about my job because it would take too long to explain and I felt like my business friends could not possibly equate the real me with the boss me. When I started my own business (not really knowing that's what I was doing) one of the things that I loved was that I was me. Totally. All the time. I never had to separate clients/friends/family because all were one.

Theater on the other hand is different. First of all, it's ten million kids and their parents. Secondly, it's heavy on church people which isn't an issue with my church cause they know about my woo woo-ness and for the most part, accept me. But others get a bit shocked when they see who they are leaving their children with or should I say what their director does in her real life. Not that I've had anyone say anything but a few years back when a reporter wrote about my tarot cards there were many raised eyebrows. And quite a few of those kids belonging to those eyebrows haven't auditioned since. I was worried that having to use a page of my website so people could buy tickets would be a conflict of interest but most seem ok with it.

I never try and hide who I am. I pride myself on not really having secrets. I am who I am. But I certainly try and avoid upsetting folks if I can. Most people just don't know what Reiki or SoulCollage is and it scares them. If they come and ask, or read my website, they have a better understanding and seem to accept that I am NOT a witch.... Course in theater they may have other words for me that rhyme with that one.... being a director requires a certain un-yogalike stance sometimes.

Again, isn't this post just ridiculous? My head just feels like it's full of air and I am blowing crud through it instead of just enjoying the lack of having to think. It's almost as if ego is saying, "QUICK! come up with a problem! You are too happy and relaxed!"

We are in a bizarre place right now. On Monday, the very things we have put into the Universe come true:

1. Barry starts a new job.
2. The play ends.
3. I get my life back.

The anticipation is palatable. And a bit overwhelming. The old "be careful what you wish for" adage can be scary if you let it bother you.

Which of course I won't.

It's just the limbo... or more the anticipation of the lack of limbo. One of the things I've learned through theater is it gives you an excuse to not have to do the things you don't want to anyway. It's the ultimate trump card, you really can't do anything cause you are nutty busy. And it's okay because you know there's an end, instead of real life busy which is just, well, real life. The problem is, it ends.

And now I'll have to clean the damn toilet. And get a machete to cut back the garden. And help Rhia & Cory figure out the rest of their lives. And re-train the dog. And think a quiet thought...mmmmm... yeah. Not so bad, huh?

Turning a Corner

I have been praying big time lately. Feeling like I'm ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. Feel like we had gotten stuck. Were in limbo. Being without a job is a really scary thing. Especially when you are the main bread winner. Especially when your job is dependent on a main bread winner. For the last year and a half/two years we have been living with pay cuts, lay offs and finally unemployment. Being self employed, trying to not spend a penny on advertising or supplies, never knowing if at any point I may have to seek regular normal employment has been quite a challenge. My prayer has been to end this chapter. Whether it be with a definitive answer whether I need to stop teaching and healing or with B getting a job that puts him where he was before all this crazy-ness started.

It's a really bizarre feeling to not know what's coming next. I mean, we never REALLY know what's next but we like to think we do. On the day when B got a terrific job offer, one of our dearest friends found out her father was very, very sick. At church today, one of our members lost their husband unexpectedly, quite shocking. Another member was there who has valiantly been fighting cancer for years, she looked so fragile, my heart broke. How do you make sense of it all? We feel weird being happy.

It seems so topsy turvy. We have been so used to worry that it feels very strange to suddenly be able to go grocery shopping and get a ton of food. The cupboards are full for the first time in a very long time. I am excited about continuing my career, actually sat down and PLANNED the next couple of months... haven't done that for awhile, never knowing if I'd be able to follow through. What a gift.

I wonder if my church family friends ever dreamed they'd be doing what they are doing tonight... I'm sure if wasn't in their plans. My heart goes out to them. You just never really know.

I do know one thing. God is good. We can't possibly compare what we were going through with what they are going through, ours is small peanuts. However, we have learn that this too shall pass. The ups, the downs, they come and go. We learn from them all. Even if it takes years. Whether it was in our plans or not.

Peace and Love to my suffering friends, all my prayers are for you now.

No Whining Zone.

You know how a thought gets stuck in your head? Like the same thought keeps coming up over and over until it becomes your own personal mantra? Two days ago I came home from work, locked myself in my room, took a shower and laid down on my bed for 2 minutes to try and gain some perspective and peace. ~~knock, knock, knock on the door~~ My first thought?:

I just want my life back.

Rut roh. Not a good statement. Full of self pity. And seriously not anything I could really control or do much about at this point. But there it is. And it keeps coming up.

I just want my life back.

And worse.... in unguarded moments, it turns into reverie. Remember when? (which is one of the most damaging statements to maintaining presence) Remember when your house was quiet and you could think a thought, meditate, breathe? Remember when you didn't have to worry about every penny and you could just do your work joyously without worrying about results? Remember when you had time to literally smell the roses? Remember when the house was clean, you could make dinner.... remember when you could take a walk everyday? Remember when you were losing weight and eating healthy? Remember when you had time (and joyous presence of mind) to write enlightening helpful blogs?

You see why this is so damaging? It begins a total spiral into what's wrong with NOW.

I often tell my students in relaxation pose to breathe in and relax, knowing that this moment is perfect. There is nothing wrong, nothing to change in this moment. It's a powerful meditation. Creates awareness and acceptance. Unless you've convinced yourself that this moment sucks. Even if it's a moment spent quietly laying on the floor of the Sanctuary with soft music and the sound of rain pounding on the ceiling of the "ark." How could that suck? But the thought intruding takes the moment away....

I just want my life back. Whine, whine, wine. Sigh.

I got a great link in my email today that I actually took the time to go to and read. It was about a gentleman going through a divorce, broken and empty, who got to spend time watching Tibetan Monks creating a Sanskrit Mandala out of sand. It took them 6 days to complete, long full days hunched over, having to stay completely alert, watching their breath so they don't blow the sand in the wrong place and ruin their work. Hmmmm. When it is completed, they sweep it away into the ocean. It's a very powerful reminder of acceptance of the moment. Understanding the journey is the point.... not the destination. Letting go, not holding on. Yeah. Not trying to hold on to what you HAD. Staying creative with what IS.

I get it. Now, if only I had time to go buy some sand and 6 days by the ocean to create a mandala......

Namaste'

Hell Breaking Loose

So, yeah. I'm all ... oh I'm handling everything really well... blah, blah, blah... I'm so much better... blah, blah, blah... and then it hits. The storm of the century, the blizzard to end all blizzards...

And no Rudolph in sight.

So now I got a 5, 6, 7, 8 in my head, paintbrush in my hand, burns on my fingers from the glue gun and notes spilling out all over the place but we are getting there.

My life be not me own.

But my yoga classes have been good, even so.

And Reiki is marvelous. See Sue's blog-- What a love she is.

So all is not lost. And not all that wander are... well you know.

A 5, 6, 7, 8... Oompa, Loompa... Doo Pa Dee Doooooo OMG, what a cameo we have for you.....

This blog is kinda going nowhere. Sorry. BBS.

Surreal Time Warp

In the space of a month I have been instantly transported back to my old life. It's weird. Rhia's home, we're doing a play, it's like nothing ever changed. I don't have any time to do anything like exercise, cook a meal, think a thought. I can't get Rhia to clean her room. I am consumed with making sure to remember everything and have lists upon lists all over the place and can't seem to find them all. The only thing that seems different is me.

I'm not as good at handling stress as I used to be.

I'm not as quick or as efficient or as good at remembering everything.

Biggest change? I'm not that worried about it. I used to feel like I had to be perfect at everything, would get really upset when I saw people judging me when I would try to work out a dance or teach some blocking... you know, when they are passing each other looks like they could do it better... but now I just feel like that says a whole lot more about them than me. You know those naysayers? They just gotta have someone to criticize.

I've realized I'm not perfect. I can't be. And the effort to even get close to it is not one I want to make. I'm enjoying myself more, I'm having fun. I'm just doing what I can and hopefully that will be enough. And the remarkable thing? I'm accepting the help that is being offered to me. I'm not as caught up in the whole "if I want it done right, I have to do it myself" thing. I just can't do it all. And I am really, really blessed this time with people who WANT to help and not to be weird but they really seem to like me and let me do my job. It's so cool.

Not that there aren't challenges. Not that I don't get pissed. Not that we have it all (or anything) under control. But we have a really, really great team working together watching each others back and holding each other up. Like, you can feel it. I am being held up, lifted and people have my back. Glory Be! By finally conceeding my imperfection, I no longer have to do it alone. I am even ASKING FOR HELP. OMG! How did this happen?

I'm still feeling really stressed but I don't feel alone. Big difference.

Now, about Rhia cleaning her room....