So, back to our regularly scheduled programming....my son and I had an interesting conversation the other day. He (lets just call him Negative Nathan) was saying that he didn't believe in the idea of soul-mates and that you should only be in a relationship when it's good and if the person starts to become really annoying, you should just break it off. Like, it's okay to argue a bit, but if you get to the "I don't like you" stage, it's time to throw in the towel and move on to the next.
Having been married for 32 years, I strongly disagree. In fact, his mere existence is proof of the error of his thinking. We didn't have Nathan until we'd been married 7 years. We probably would not have lasted 1 year if we followed his philosophy. Hell, we probably wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. I tried to explain to him that relationships are how we attain the biggest growth in our lives, they act as a mirror to reflect the things about ourselves that we don't want to see... that when the relationship gets tough is the time that you actually begin to even HAVE a relationship.. up til that time it's just a fantasy. Or Lust. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
He, being Nathan, disagreed. Of course. He said it applied to all relationships, not just marriage, so when friendships get tough, get out. I thought about my true friends-- you know, not the "Hi! How Are You? Let's Have Lunch Someday" ones.. My best friend who has been my best friend for at least 30 years. We had a rip roaring fight in the first year or two of our friendship. I refused to be in her wedding for goodness sakes-- it was a crazy time. We got through. We worked it through. And we discovered a true kinship. She is closer to me than any exterior family member I have. That would have never happened if we followed the Nathan rule.
I got to thinking about my business partner slash great friend. When we formed this business relationship, I idolized her (I have a tendency to do that). I thought she was the smartest, most brilliant person I'd ever met. We'd have long philosophical conversations that I'd walk away from in awe. I really liked her. As the business unfolded, and troubles set in, life got very stressful. We started bickering. We even had a point where we thought we may have to walk away in order to maintain any semblance of friendship. It was a TOUGH year. As Rev. James says, "People behave badly when they get stressed." I think we would both agree that we made some assumptions about each other that weren't entirely accurate based on the high level of stress we were feeling.
The cool thing is what's on the other side of that craziness. I no longer idolize her. But I really admire and love her. She's real. Not a fantasy. I've seen her warts, so to speak, and I feel much closer to her on a completely different level than before. I miss our big conversations, for sure. But I like the way we work together, I think we really complement each others strengths. And weaknesses. Now that we know what they are. Sometimes I think we irritate the heck out of one another. Cause that's what family does occasionally-- our training ground for relationships. I'll take a deep realistic love for someone over a fantasy any day.
The people that we allow to push our buttons are the ones we know will always have our back. You won't know that if you don't stick in for the tough parts.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Relief?
Man, it's been a crazy year. I have 10 blog posts hidden from public view that I may or may not publish... I don't really want to go back and read them. This has been a tough year. I blog to clear my head, but some of those thoughts had to stay inside.
The weird thing is that one of the biggest head cloggers has finally been resolved. But instead of relief, I just feel numb. I went to a meditation Friday night where you had to decide what to let go of at the beginning. By the end of the meditation I couldn't remember what it was and decided that I must have truly let it go. Yesterday, a comment was made that I instantly reacted to. And realized, oh yeah, that's what I let go of. NOT.
I tell my clients all the time that sometimes it takes time to get rid of years of accumulated stuff. I am the last person to expect to be instantly better after a long siege but I do feel like I should at least have a sense of relief. And I do. But I'm tired. I get that things had to be what they were for blah, blah, blah reasons. And I also get that the first year of "starting" a business is probably the toughest. And I get that the biggest growth comes when we are uncomfortable. I think a year of going, going, going would have an impact regardless of the circumstances. I know it will get better. I'm asking for help, I'm picking up my "tools" to guide me, I'm praying and meditating, I'm actually giving myself permission to not always be in charge and I'm allowing myself to receive instead of constantly giving... I'm taking very deep breaths. And I'm being patient with myself, not requiring myself to 'get over it' until I can release it for real.
I thought about going to church today. I was thinking that now that the lease issue is solved that I would really like to go back to my church 'family' and personally thank those who stood by me, who fought hard and believed in our mission and didn't try to deny their connection to me. I received the most beautiful e-card from 2 of them, made me break down and cry, there are some really wonderful souls who just 'get' it. I am so thankful to them for their support, even when I was ready to throw it all in, just give up and move to Alcatraz. I am grateful. I guess the thing is... the ones I really thought had my back, who were my best friends, who I spent many hours of time outside of church, laughing and sharing our lives... haven't heard from them. All year.
I'm not ready to go to church. I am far too beat down and vulnerable. I can't be sure of my own feelings yet.. I need to get distance and perspective. I need to see clearly. I'm not one to put on a false smile and pretend to be okay while quietly working behind the scenes... and it's REALLY hard for me to figure out those that do. Don't want to be paranoid. Or stupid. So it's not time for church. Maybe later.
For now, I'll meet God in my back yard and in the eyes of the people who love me. I miss the welcoming arms of my church family, absolutely. No question. But I need to get a bit stronger to deal with the rest of it. The nice thing is that some of them reach out to me.
And for that, I am thankful.
The weird thing is that one of the biggest head cloggers has finally been resolved. But instead of relief, I just feel numb. I went to a meditation Friday night where you had to decide what to let go of at the beginning. By the end of the meditation I couldn't remember what it was and decided that I must have truly let it go. Yesterday, a comment was made that I instantly reacted to. And realized, oh yeah, that's what I let go of. NOT.
I tell my clients all the time that sometimes it takes time to get rid of years of accumulated stuff. I am the last person to expect to be instantly better after a long siege but I do feel like I should at least have a sense of relief. And I do. But I'm tired. I get that things had to be what they were for blah, blah, blah reasons. And I also get that the first year of "starting" a business is probably the toughest. And I get that the biggest growth comes when we are uncomfortable. I think a year of going, going, going would have an impact regardless of the circumstances. I know it will get better. I'm asking for help, I'm picking up my "tools" to guide me, I'm praying and meditating, I'm actually giving myself permission to not always be in charge and I'm allowing myself to receive instead of constantly giving... I'm taking very deep breaths. And I'm being patient with myself, not requiring myself to 'get over it' until I can release it for real.
I thought about going to church today. I was thinking that now that the lease issue is solved that I would really like to go back to my church 'family' and personally thank those who stood by me, who fought hard and believed in our mission and didn't try to deny their connection to me. I received the most beautiful e-card from 2 of them, made me break down and cry, there are some really wonderful souls who just 'get' it. I am so thankful to them for their support, even when I was ready to throw it all in, just give up and move to Alcatraz. I am grateful. I guess the thing is... the ones I really thought had my back, who were my best friends, who I spent many hours of time outside of church, laughing and sharing our lives... haven't heard from them. All year.
I'm not ready to go to church. I am far too beat down and vulnerable. I can't be sure of my own feelings yet.. I need to get distance and perspective. I need to see clearly. I'm not one to put on a false smile and pretend to be okay while quietly working behind the scenes... and it's REALLY hard for me to figure out those that do. Don't want to be paranoid. Or stupid. So it's not time for church. Maybe later.
For now, I'll meet God in my back yard and in the eyes of the people who love me. I miss the welcoming arms of my church family, absolutely. No question. But I need to get a bit stronger to deal with the rest of it. The nice thing is that some of them reach out to me.
And for that, I am thankful.
Friday, November 11, 2011
11/11/11
I was reading my facebook wall this morning and was struck by the dividing line between the "woo woos" and the "whoa nots". Since I walk a line in the middle (I hope) I can certainly see both sides. 20 posts thanking our veterans and their sacrifices... 20 posts saying now is time to wake up to love and compassion. I can't help but think of the unsung heros of our world, the veterans who don't get parades and applause, the ones who make quiet sacrifices without fanfare. The ones who fight hard without bloodshed. The ones who heal those damaged on every level by war and hatred.
I think of the women keeping the home fires burning, taking care of children without respite. Keeping a smile on their face when the loneliness of missing their man and the worry over losing him is close to hysteria, but yet they keep going.
I think of the babies born never knowing their father.. or worse, the children sentenced to a life of missing the comforting arms of their mother. I think of the parents who have lost their precious son or daughter, never dreaming that they would outlive their child. I think of the households where the daily energy is worry, anxiety and sadness.
I think of the innocent in the way, the ones who didn't get to make a choice whether to go to war or not. The ones whose homes are destroyed or worse, the ones whose lives are destroyed in ways most of us can't possibly understand. Thank God we can't understand.
Finally, I think of the peacemakers, the ones who fight in different ways for a better world. The ones who are accused of not caring for their country or worse, not supporting their "troops". The ones who speak up and say war is wrong. The ones who believe the only true way to support a veteran is to get them out of harms way. The healers and lightworkers sending and praying for peace, every minute of every day.
The "woo woos" believe that today is a gateway to the world waking up, to a new era being born where love and light are what is celebrated. 1111 is an awakening-- are we going to continue doing things the same way, getting the same results and wondering why? Or are we going to use our glorious brains... and hearts... and find a new way, where we let go of wanting power more than compassion? Where we realize that winning at the cost of the people is not really winning? A world that is truly united... and not just 50 states.
I would NEVER take anything away from the men and women who believed so deeply in love for their people that they paid the ultimate sacrifice. I am grateful to those who fought so bravely and so valiantly for their cause, even if it wasn't theirs to begin with. I wish blessings on the survivors of war, all of them, and hope that God comforts their wounded bodies and minds and spirits. Thank you is not enough.
However, I would call to the world to watch your words, watch out for what you are manifesting. 1111 is a snapshot into the world you are creating... are your words peaceful? Are they loving? Are they manifesting light? Or are you saying that pain and war and suffering are inevitable and necessary? We create what we feel is truth.
And so it is.
I think of the women keeping the home fires burning, taking care of children without respite. Keeping a smile on their face when the loneliness of missing their man and the worry over losing him is close to hysteria, but yet they keep going.
I think of the babies born never knowing their father.. or worse, the children sentenced to a life of missing the comforting arms of their mother. I think of the parents who have lost their precious son or daughter, never dreaming that they would outlive their child. I think of the households where the daily energy is worry, anxiety and sadness.
I think of the innocent in the way, the ones who didn't get to make a choice whether to go to war or not. The ones whose homes are destroyed or worse, the ones whose lives are destroyed in ways most of us can't possibly understand. Thank God we can't understand.
Finally, I think of the peacemakers, the ones who fight in different ways for a better world. The ones who are accused of not caring for their country or worse, not supporting their "troops". The ones who speak up and say war is wrong. The ones who believe the only true way to support a veteran is to get them out of harms way. The healers and lightworkers sending and praying for peace, every minute of every day.
The "woo woos" believe that today is a gateway to the world waking up, to a new era being born where love and light are what is celebrated. 1111 is an awakening-- are we going to continue doing things the same way, getting the same results and wondering why? Or are we going to use our glorious brains... and hearts... and find a new way, where we let go of wanting power more than compassion? Where we realize that winning at the cost of the people is not really winning? A world that is truly united... and not just 50 states.
I would NEVER take anything away from the men and women who believed so deeply in love for their people that they paid the ultimate sacrifice. I am grateful to those who fought so bravely and so valiantly for their cause, even if it wasn't theirs to begin with. I wish blessings on the survivors of war, all of them, and hope that God comforts their wounded bodies and minds and spirits. Thank you is not enough.
However, I would call to the world to watch your words, watch out for what you are manifesting. 1111 is a snapshot into the world you are creating... are your words peaceful? Are they loving? Are they manifesting light? Or are you saying that pain and war and suffering are inevitable and necessary? We create what we feel is truth.
And so it is.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Peace Pole
Life has been swirling. There's been an earthquake, a hurricane and a flood. We've been to Fenwick and Lake George. We learned how to do Reiki drumming. And Chakra toning.
And then suddenly, it's September.
Barry & I have spent the day making a Peace Pole for outside the yoga studio. We have a Reiki Share tomorrow, September 11th, the 10 year anniversary. We decided we needed to do something and a peace pole seems like the perfect thing. It's a large 4x4 that we've painted white. On one side we've painted "May Peace Prevail on Earth". We've painted it again on the other 3 sides... in Japanese, Hindi and Persian. I did the Japanese & Hindi, Barry the Persian and English.
We had much debate over which languages to use. We thought about Haitian Creole to honor our youth that just got back from Haiti. We thought about Spanish/Mexican but since we didn't know which one we decided that our friends that go to Honduras could gather with the youth and make their own pole LOL. We thought about Cherokee and German to honor our ancestors. The possibilities were endless but finally we decided to do Japanese to honor the founder of Reiki and the founder of Peace Poles. Hindi/Sanskrit to honor our yoga studio and Persian to honor the day with a hope for peace, as well as some lovely members of our Reiki community. Of course, those 3 are probably the hardest ones to write, which sort of makes it all the more special. I put a "sorry if it's wrong but my intentions are good" message in a hidden place, being a bit worried about Kanji, knowing just a small brush stroke in a wrong direction completely changes the meaning of the words... hope I didn't write "may peace prevail in my pants" or something stupid like that.
There are over 200,000 Peace Poles placed all over the world since 1975. If you do some research you will see pictures of Mother Teresa, the Dalai Lama, the Pope, all standing next to planted peace poles. There are peace poles planted in every continent of the world and in almost every country of the world. And now, there will be one at CCPC in the memorial garden. Or, if someone at CCPC decides to have a problem with it, there will be one in my yard, LOL.
It's so awesome. We got a solar lighted cap for it so peace will shine all night, every night. We will dedicate it, charge it with Reiki and use it as a constant reminder of what's important.
Amen.
And then suddenly, it's September.Barry & I have spent the day making a Peace Pole for outside the yoga studio. We have a Reiki Share tomorrow, September 11th, the 10 year anniversary. We decided we needed to do something and a peace pole seems like the perfect thing. It's a large 4x4 that we've painted white. On one side we've painted "May Peace Prevail on Earth". We've painted it again on the other 3 sides... in Japanese, Hindi and Persian. I did the Japanese & Hindi, Barry the Persian and English.
We had much debate over which languages to use. We thought about Haitian Creole to honor our youth that just got back from Haiti. We thought about Spanish/Mexican but since we didn't know which one we decided that our friends that go to Honduras could gather with the youth and make their own pole LOL. We thought about Cherokee and German to honor our ancestors. The possibilities were endless but finally we decided to do Japanese to honor the founder of Reiki and the founder of Peace Poles. Hindi/Sanskrit to honor our yoga studio and Persian to honor the day with a hope for peace, as well as some lovely members of our Reiki community. Of course, those 3 are probably the hardest ones to write, which sort of makes it all the more special. I put a "sorry if it's wrong but my intentions are good" message in a hidden place, being a bit worried about Kanji, knowing just a small brush stroke in a wrong direction completely changes the meaning of the words... hope I didn't write "may peace prevail in my pants" or something stupid like that.
There are over 200,000 Peace Poles placed all over the world since 1975. If you do some research you will see pictures of Mother Teresa, the Dalai Lama, the Pope, all standing next to planted peace poles. There are peace poles planted in every continent of the world and in almost every country of the world. And now, there will be one at CCPC in the memorial garden. Or, if someone at CCPC decides to have a problem with it, there will be one in my yard, LOL. It's so awesome. We got a solar lighted cap for it so peace will shine all night, every night. We will dedicate it, charge it with Reiki and use it as a constant reminder of what's important.
May Peace Prevail on Earth! Today and Everyday!
Sunday, August 07, 2011
In the Blink of an Eye
Suddenly, the house is quiet. It seems empty. The light is dimmer. Was it really just 3 years ago that my baby went off to college? How is it possible that she is a Senior? It's kind of hard to wrap my mind around.
Everything is always a bit more exciting when shes around, and this summer was exceptionally so. It's wild to think that 3 years ago she was counting the days til school ended and this year she was counting the days so she could get back. She loves Montreat. She intends to stay there. So much so that she overcame the last hurdle to adulthood, her final fear so to speak.
She came home this summer determined to get her drivers license. For a multitude of reasons, she hadn't gotten it before, the largest being fear, the smallest being time. This new adult came home, booked her own class and set herself a goal of getting the license before July 1. She got a bit sidetracked when her best friend scooped her up for a road trip.... and then of course, there was the whole issue of a car for her to drive... but the worst was trying to get an appointment to take the stupid test! After she finished drivers ed, and driving with the instructor which went from coming home bursting into tears over how hard it was to drive around here.. to complete confidence over how easy it was for her to parallel park.. and we worked a deal to help her buy a cute little red car.. she signed up online for her appointment. In Salisbury. Which is about 2 hours away. Why? Because they had the first available appointment, 5 weeks (!) away AND they were the only place that had an appointment BEFORE she had to leave to go back to school. 3 days later.
Talk about pressure. Here she has this cute little red car... which may become OUR cute little red car if she failed the test. She's not coming home again til November since she's planned a road trip to Florida for fall break... (an aside: wth? she's not coming home? who IS this person?) So, we had 5 weeks to stew over what would happen if she couldn't drive to school. And when could we get her back here so she could retake the test? My stomach hurts over the thought of it all. I sent more Reiki on Thursday as she was taking the test than I think I ever have.... but, as with everything else, I should have had confidence in this new adult. She has amazing determination. And the ability to withstand pressure and thrive. She has matured, no more shrinking violet here... She was gonna do it and she did.
So, she just drove off in her cute little red car. Full of bubbling excitement and anticipation over going home. To her new home. To the life she has created for herself. Where she is an adult, with great friends and 2 great jobs and a busy, active lifestyle. To camp and hike and kayak and learn. Everything I have wished for her is coming true.
I forgot to wish for it happening a bit closer to home.
"All your life you've never seen a woman taken by the wind...." Rhiannon~Stevie Nicks
Everything is always a bit more exciting when shes around, and this summer was exceptionally so. It's wild to think that 3 years ago she was counting the days til school ended and this year she was counting the days so she could get back. She loves Montreat. She intends to stay there. So much so that she overcame the last hurdle to adulthood, her final fear so to speak.
She came home this summer determined to get her drivers license. For a multitude of reasons, she hadn't gotten it before, the largest being fear, the smallest being time. This new adult came home, booked her own class and set herself a goal of getting the license before July 1. She got a bit sidetracked when her best friend scooped her up for a road trip.... and then of course, there was the whole issue of a car for her to drive... but the worst was trying to get an appointment to take the stupid test! After she finished drivers ed, and driving with the instructor which went from coming home bursting into tears over how hard it was to drive around here.. to complete confidence over how easy it was for her to parallel park.. and we worked a deal to help her buy a cute little red car.. she signed up online for her appointment. In Salisbury. Which is about 2 hours away. Why? Because they had the first available appointment, 5 weeks (!) away AND they were the only place that had an appointment BEFORE she had to leave to go back to school. 3 days later.
Talk about pressure. Here she has this cute little red car... which may become OUR cute little red car if she failed the test. She's not coming home again til November since she's planned a road trip to Florida for fall break... (an aside: wth? she's not coming home? who IS this person?) So, we had 5 weeks to stew over what would happen if she couldn't drive to school. And when could we get her back here so she could retake the test? My stomach hurts over the thought of it all. I sent more Reiki on Thursday as she was taking the test than I think I ever have.... but, as with everything else, I should have had confidence in this new adult. She has amazing determination. And the ability to withstand pressure and thrive. She has matured, no more shrinking violet here... She was gonna do it and she did.
So, she just drove off in her cute little red car. Full of bubbling excitement and anticipation over going home. To her new home. To the life she has created for herself. Where she is an adult, with great friends and 2 great jobs and a busy, active lifestyle. To camp and hike and kayak and learn. Everything I have wished for her is coming true.
I forgot to wish for it happening a bit closer to home.
"All your life you've never seen a woman taken by the wind...." Rhiannon~Stevie Nicks
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