I'm done.
What a stretch of craziness, exhaustion and down right HUH???? the last few months have been. Feel as if the Universe is pounding me on the head, "Can you hear me now? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" Ugh. I don't get it, I hear it.... but I'm not sure what it's saying.
I thought I did that menopause thing pretty well. I'm all... "oooh, see I'm a yogi... menopause jumped on me and I flicked it right off!" But dang... is the reason I am just. so. done. cause of the menopause? Or cause of the lunatics in my mind? Or the lunatics in my life?
Need a break. And fortunately, I'm just about to get one. And unfortunately, maybe an even longer one.
Cryptic? Hells yes. You wouldn't believe it all if I told you anyway.
The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head....
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Update
It's been a tough couple of weeks.
I still can't believe she's gone. She would have been thrilled with today, with the Reiki Share. With this weekend and my Crystals class. I stretched myself amazingly beyond any comfort zone and came out blessed. I can see her now, smiling and nodding her head, refraining from saying "I told you so" but knowing that I know she told me so.
I feel so grateful that she remains in my head. And in my heart, not a surprise.
So much has changed, it feels. I must carry on but I know she gave me the tools to do so. In this last couple of weeks I have let people see me cry. I have said what I needed to say. I have given myself permission to be afraid and to do what needed to be done in spite of it.
Carol would be proud.
I still can't believe she's gone. She would have been thrilled with today, with the Reiki Share. With this weekend and my Crystals class. I stretched myself amazingly beyond any comfort zone and came out blessed. I can see her now, smiling and nodding her head, refraining from saying "I told you so" but knowing that I know she told me so.
I feel so grateful that she remains in my head. And in my heart, not a surprise.
So much has changed, it feels. I must carry on but I know she gave me the tools to do so. In this last couple of weeks I have let people see me cry. I have said what I needed to say. I have given myself permission to be afraid and to do what needed to be done in spite of it.
Carol would be proud.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The knowledge that you are loved.
I first met Carol many years ago when her mother was in hospice. A friend had told her about yoga in the Sanctuary and she quietly came in one night. She had been caring for both of her parents, in fact, had remodeled her home to accommodate them. They both passed within months of each other, Carol by their side. She had many health issues of her own, cancer, open heart surgery and a rare disease called Myasthenia gravis, MG for short, that created muscle weakness and fatigue. Most people would have never dreamed Carol was sick, even I had trouble remembering, she was so strong.
She started coming to yoga regularly, once then twice, then whenever yoga was, Carol was there. One night, Divine Spirit whispered in my ear and spoke through me saying, "May you be blessed with the knowledge of how much you are loved." Carol looked right at me and I could see she was very touched. I went and sat down by her and she shared her story. From that moment on, we were spiritually bonded, that phrase repeating through our lives, sharing our destinies, helping each other cope. I am who I am because of Carol.
When Carol started coming to yoga, there was no Yolinna Spirit or Imagine. Yoga was free, I was insecure about charging for anything... or I guess I could have just stopped at I was insecure. I wasn't Reiki. Or SoulCollage. I was just a person feeling like I had something that I needed to share. Carol recognized that something and helped me figure out what it was. And more importantly, what to do with it. She guided me every step of the way, encouraging me, advising me, and even doing a lot of it for me. Whenever there was an event, people were used to seeing Carol there.
Carol LOVED SoulCollage. She volunteered to be our official SoulCollage helper. She was a retired psychologist, having worked for many years with addicted moms, multiple personalities, you name it, she did it. Some of the stories she shared with me over many, many lunches were hair raising. She never flinched, just did what was needed, that's who Carol is. She started programs for saving the children, served on many boards, including the local MG chapter, even being the Charter President... she did so many amazing, huge things that I couldn't even begin to name them. And I won't have to, many others will. But she took all these life skills and she shared them with me, coming to every SoulCollage event, working up her own "script" to get people to try it out, sharing her cards with every new person and most importantly, gently guiding reluctant psyches to "open up, take a look, it's not that scary, we are with you..."
She was so proud of her cards. They were amazing gifts for her, someone who did so much for others, they gave her the ability to counsel herself. They gave her the ability to mark her journey. She had a heart attack last year that scared the bejesus out of us all... the first thing she did when all was well was make a card about it. People would come in, she would proudly show it "this is my heart attack card!" and gently guide us through all the positivity the card showed. Once again, teaching us that all of life is precious, and that everything has a message that can be used for growth. Carol is such a wonderful teacher.
When I became a Reiki Master/Teacher, Carol decided she wanted to be Reiki too. I was thrilled to have her join our Reiki circle, had been doing Reiki on her for years and I knew she would be an amazing healer. I will never forget the delight in her voice when she worked on a child for the first time, "The energy is so LIGHT, so PURE, what a joy!" She had been slowly becoming .... slower, I guess... at that time. She had developed diabetes, she wasn't feeling as energetic, she hadn't been coming to yoga as frequently but she would still go sailing with her husband and most important to her, take care of her daughters. In fact, Carol became a Level II Healer for one reason only: to be able to send healing to her daughter who lived in Oregon. Carol is such a wonderful mother.
When Carol's daughter was getting married in Oregon, Carol went right to work, flying to Oregon, helping her daughter who was somewhat "loose" with her wedding plans :) Carol gently helped her with stuff like silverware-- lol, the comical stories she shared after still make me chuckle. I can see her face so clearly, "so, I told her that although we are all free spirits, most of us don't like to get pate' on our hands." or something to that effect. Later, much later when I had been asked to officiate my first wedding, Carol, once again guided me through, even bringing me her precious DVD copy of her daughters wedding to show how great the officiant was. I was brought to tears watching it, at one point the officiant offered the crowd a chance to share a blessing... Carol stood right up: "May you be blessed with the knowledge of how much you are loved."
Carol really wanted to be a grandmother. When her daughter got pregnant, Carol was elated. She would come into yoga, grab my hand and excitedly share the latest. When I didn't see her for a couple of days, I called and she shared the sad news that her daughter suffered a miscarriage. We went to lunch and I tried my best to comfort her, she was devastated. After some time passed, she asked me to attune her to Level II because her daughter was trying again, going through fertility treatments. "I have to make myself not fly out there and impose myself on them so I need to have something I can do to help." I have no doubt that everyday Carol sent Reiki to her family. Once again, she was elated when her daughter was pregnant and very sadly, devastated when it wasn't meant to be, flying out to be by her side and try to help her through.
This was less than a month ago. I saw Carol the day before she left and then not again until I gave her Reiki in the ICU last Weds. Never, ever in a million years did I think that would be the last time I would see her. Carol was so strong, guiding me every step of my journey, I would not be who I am today without her gentle loving care. I only wish I could have done more, but I really think God decided it was time for His precious soul to get some much needed rest.
May you be blessed, dear Carol, with the knowledge of how much you are loved and how important you are to so many people who's hearts are heavy with sadness at your passing. I will miss you, my friend.
She started coming to yoga regularly, once then twice, then whenever yoga was, Carol was there. One night, Divine Spirit whispered in my ear and spoke through me saying, "May you be blessed with the knowledge of how much you are loved." Carol looked right at me and I could see she was very touched. I went and sat down by her and she shared her story. From that moment on, we were spiritually bonded, that phrase repeating through our lives, sharing our destinies, helping each other cope. I am who I am because of Carol.
When Carol started coming to yoga, there was no Yolinna Spirit or Imagine. Yoga was free, I was insecure about charging for anything... or I guess I could have just stopped at I was insecure. I wasn't Reiki. Or SoulCollage. I was just a person feeling like I had something that I needed to share. Carol recognized that something and helped me figure out what it was. And more importantly, what to do with it. She guided me every step of the way, encouraging me, advising me, and even doing a lot of it for me. Whenever there was an event, people were used to seeing Carol there.
Carol LOVED SoulCollage. She volunteered to be our official SoulCollage helper. She was a retired psychologist, having worked for many years with addicted moms, multiple personalities, you name it, she did it. Some of the stories she shared with me over many, many lunches were hair raising. She never flinched, just did what was needed, that's who Carol is. She started programs for saving the children, served on many boards, including the local MG chapter, even being the Charter President... she did so many amazing, huge things that I couldn't even begin to name them. And I won't have to, many others will. But she took all these life skills and she shared them with me, coming to every SoulCollage event, working up her own "script" to get people to try it out, sharing her cards with every new person and most importantly, gently guiding reluctant psyches to "open up, take a look, it's not that scary, we are with you..."
She was so proud of her cards. They were amazing gifts for her, someone who did so much for others, they gave her the ability to counsel herself. They gave her the ability to mark her journey. She had a heart attack last year that scared the bejesus out of us all... the first thing she did when all was well was make a card about it. People would come in, she would proudly show it "this is my heart attack card!" and gently guide us through all the positivity the card showed. Once again, teaching us that all of life is precious, and that everything has a message that can be used for growth. Carol is such a wonderful teacher.
When I became a Reiki Master/Teacher, Carol decided she wanted to be Reiki too. I was thrilled to have her join our Reiki circle, had been doing Reiki on her for years and I knew she would be an amazing healer. I will never forget the delight in her voice when she worked on a child for the first time, "The energy is so LIGHT, so PURE, what a joy!" She had been slowly becoming .... slower, I guess... at that time. She had developed diabetes, she wasn't feeling as energetic, she hadn't been coming to yoga as frequently but she would still go sailing with her husband and most important to her, take care of her daughters. In fact, Carol became a Level II Healer for one reason only: to be able to send healing to her daughter who lived in Oregon. Carol is such a wonderful mother.
When Carol's daughter was getting married in Oregon, Carol went right to work, flying to Oregon, helping her daughter who was somewhat "loose" with her wedding plans :) Carol gently helped her with stuff like silverware-- lol, the comical stories she shared after still make me chuckle. I can see her face so clearly, "so, I told her that although we are all free spirits, most of us don't like to get pate' on our hands." or something to that effect. Later, much later when I had been asked to officiate my first wedding, Carol, once again guided me through, even bringing me her precious DVD copy of her daughters wedding to show how great the officiant was. I was brought to tears watching it, at one point the officiant offered the crowd a chance to share a blessing... Carol stood right up: "May you be blessed with the knowledge of how much you are loved."
Carol really wanted to be a grandmother. When her daughter got pregnant, Carol was elated. She would come into yoga, grab my hand and excitedly share the latest. When I didn't see her for a couple of days, I called and she shared the sad news that her daughter suffered a miscarriage. We went to lunch and I tried my best to comfort her, she was devastated. After some time passed, she asked me to attune her to Level II because her daughter was trying again, going through fertility treatments. "I have to make myself not fly out there and impose myself on them so I need to have something I can do to help." I have no doubt that everyday Carol sent Reiki to her family. Once again, she was elated when her daughter was pregnant and very sadly, devastated when it wasn't meant to be, flying out to be by her side and try to help her through.
This was less than a month ago. I saw Carol the day before she left and then not again until I gave her Reiki in the ICU last Weds. Never, ever in a million years did I think that would be the last time I would see her. Carol was so strong, guiding me every step of my journey, I would not be who I am today without her gentle loving care. I only wish I could have done more, but I really think God decided it was time for His precious soul to get some much needed rest.
May you be blessed, dear Carol, with the knowledge of how much you are loved and how important you are to so many people who's hearts are heavy with sadness at your passing. I will miss you, my friend.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
I'll decide later
You know its bad when you can't even decide on a title. Let that be a warning to you: Lord knows what this post will end up being about. This week has just been a hodge podge of stuff. Yoga and Reiki and Drumming Meditations and Daughters coming home and leaving and Tarot appointments and SoulCollage and cancellations and tardiness and newsletters and gardening and I can't even remember Monday it seems like eons ago. I watched a show with Shirley MacClaine talking about the world speeding up because it's on a fast track to 2012 and I don't know about that but I do feel like things are speeding up. I also believe that we are moving so fast that it becomes overwhelming at times. And exciting.
This 2012 thing...
Part of me thinks that absolutely, we are heading towards a BIG change, are already in it as a matter of fact. I don't know that the change is the end of the world, more like the end of what we perceive as the world. Which is not reality. I do believe that we create our reality... and the more people thinking the same thing creates a domino effect or a spiraling out of control motion, depending on how you look at it. I think most people would agree that the world is nuts, that our values are screwed, that we have to find a way to live differently before we don't have a planet on which to live. What I don't believe is that the weather/earthquakes/tsunamis are gonna blow us all away. I think it's far more likely that we will blow ourselves up before any weather event does so. I believe that sooner or later we are going to have to figure out that politics and political systems do not work. Never will. I believe that 24 hour news is the tool of the devil. Not that I believe in the devil but I do believe that all this news creates hell on earth.
I believe that our psyches are wired for survival. I believe that is why so many people are "getting" the fact that yoga, meditation, reiki are the old wave of the future. I believe the accelerated pace has to do more with how quick we can "get" this before we blow ourselves up. And separating the "get its" from the "blow it uppers". You know? And speaking of politics, ugh. The minute I think of it I want to dig a hole and go hide in it... I just can't handle it.
I had a client today who was talking about how she went into her house on Friday and didn't talk to anyone or come out of her house til Monday. She said it was heaven. I get that. Sometimes it just all feels so overwhelming, she was saying she couldn't decide whether it was more energy to try and avoid people or to just go ahead and talk to them. She said she felt like everyone was pulling at her. I had no easy answers for her. She is not alone. So many people feel exactly the same way. Which is interesting to me, if we all just want to be alone why are we making so many demands on each others time? Truth is, we don't want to be alone. But there's just too many of us. Every thing takes 3 times as long to do because there are just too many of us. It's an ordeal to drive from one side of my town to the other. Trying to get a doctors appt. or waited on at a department store or even get into a restaurant requires patience and deep breathing. It's crazy.
I feel a strong sense that it can't go on this way. I hope that whatever occurs to break this spiraling out of control world pace we've set, will be positive. Like a global awakening. Or world enlightenment. Or maybe the world's biggest power outage that lasts for a year where we relearn how to survive without 24 hour news. And facebook. With no noisy generators for those who can't last an hour without twitter. We'll live off the land, learn to garden, do yoga in the streets that will be empty of cars cause you can't buy gas. So there will be no wars about oil disguised as something else. We'll play guitars without amps cause our Ipods will run out of charge and we will still love music. There will be no million dollar "stars" because there will be no movies, but there will be a million stars that we'll see because there's no light pollution. And after a year of relearning, we will decide that the only electric we need will be for the sick and ailing, the strong and healthy will live off the land. Which will make the land strong and healthy.
What a wonderful world this would be.
This 2012 thing...
Part of me thinks that absolutely, we are heading towards a BIG change, are already in it as a matter of fact. I don't know that the change is the end of the world, more like the end of what we perceive as the world. Which is not reality. I do believe that we create our reality... and the more people thinking the same thing creates a domino effect or a spiraling out of control motion, depending on how you look at it. I think most people would agree that the world is nuts, that our values are screwed, that we have to find a way to live differently before we don't have a planet on which to live. What I don't believe is that the weather/earthquakes/tsunamis are gonna blow us all away. I think it's far more likely that we will blow ourselves up before any weather event does so. I believe that sooner or later we are going to have to figure out that politics and political systems do not work. Never will. I believe that 24 hour news is the tool of the devil. Not that I believe in the devil but I do believe that all this news creates hell on earth.
I believe that our psyches are wired for survival. I believe that is why so many people are "getting" the fact that yoga, meditation, reiki are the old wave of the future. I believe the accelerated pace has to do more with how quick we can "get" this before we blow ourselves up. And separating the "get its" from the "blow it uppers". You know? And speaking of politics, ugh. The minute I think of it I want to dig a hole and go hide in it... I just can't handle it.
I had a client today who was talking about how she went into her house on Friday and didn't talk to anyone or come out of her house til Monday. She said it was heaven. I get that. Sometimes it just all feels so overwhelming, she was saying she couldn't decide whether it was more energy to try and avoid people or to just go ahead and talk to them. She said she felt like everyone was pulling at her. I had no easy answers for her. She is not alone. So many people feel exactly the same way. Which is interesting to me, if we all just want to be alone why are we making so many demands on each others time? Truth is, we don't want to be alone. But there's just too many of us. Every thing takes 3 times as long to do because there are just too many of us. It's an ordeal to drive from one side of my town to the other. Trying to get a doctors appt. or waited on at a department store or even get into a restaurant requires patience and deep breathing. It's crazy.
I feel a strong sense that it can't go on this way. I hope that whatever occurs to break this spiraling out of control world pace we've set, will be positive. Like a global awakening. Or world enlightenment. Or maybe the world's biggest power outage that lasts for a year where we relearn how to survive without 24 hour news. And facebook. With no noisy generators for those who can't last an hour without twitter. We'll live off the land, learn to garden, do yoga in the streets that will be empty of cars cause you can't buy gas. So there will be no wars about oil disguised as something else. We'll play guitars without amps cause our Ipods will run out of charge and we will still love music. There will be no million dollar "stars" because there will be no movies, but there will be a million stars that we'll see because there's no light pollution. And after a year of relearning, we will decide that the only electric we need will be for the sick and ailing, the strong and healthy will live off the land. Which will make the land strong and healthy.
What a wonderful world this would be.
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