Questions

After all the twists and turns of the last month.. 6 months... year?... I have decided it's time for a break.  Fortunately, we have friends with just the place to do that.  We've been coming to a modest trailer right on the water for at least 20 years, it belongs to my best friend's family, has switched hands and lots a few times and has now even switched houses.  It has landed in the best spot in the subdivision, with the best unobstructed view and it's an actual house now, beautiful! New furniture, new things to look at, but enough of the old touches to keep the kitschy charm. 

Rhia and I are here for a week, Barry will join us mid-week.  It seems like a long, delicious stretch of time... until I think about all that awaits me when I have to leave.  I feel a sense of panic at the thought, strong enough to make me start actually noticing how much the hated townhouses across the bay cost.  I bet people up here would love low cost Yoga-- Reiki Healing--SoulCollage.  Or maybe I just will pack it up, let it go and apply for a job at 7/11.  Or maybe I will just leave this area all together and go south to my family's roots.  Edenton, NC looks mighty good right now.  What to do?

Feels like I've been fighting for years, ready to lay down my arms and just give in.  Give in to the status quo, give in to the mindlessness, give up on trying to make the world better.  Join the fray of let's be miserable and find people to blame it on.  Make money be the most important thing in life, instead of people... and Spirit.  Check the box on Sunday so I can do whatever I want with the rest of the days, including trashing the box.  I'm just so tired.  Music, worship, theater, yoga, it's all been one big character assassination, and usually by a bunch of characters that haven't a clue about mine.  Don't want to have a pity party in this beautiful spot so I'm just meditating, watching the water flow, waiting for the answers to come and being patient when they don't.  I've learned enough through all my years of study to know that you can't force wisdom, it comes when we are quiet, when we stop asking, when we just listen.

In meditation, I often tell people to drop their questions into water, wait for the ripples to subside and sometimes the answers are in the stillness. I hope I have enough time to wait, feel like I am at a major crossroads with a slight sense of urgency... as if time is running out.  How do I start over at 50? What does God want? What do I want? The only thing I am absolutely sure of is that I am meant to be a Reiki Master, a Yoga Teacher, a helper of lost spirits... only, if that's the case, why has it been so hard?  Maybe I'm not absolutely sure of anything...

Toss it into the water... wait for the ripples to fade and listen for the still, small voice.... it's gotta be in there somewhere.