Bluebirds Part 2 & 3

Last week Gretchen, my friend Carol's daughter, brought me the most beautiful gift.  Carol loved the image of the mad bluebird-- had put it on her SoulCollage cards, I can still see the sparkle in her eyes when she would show it to me.  "How can you not laugh when you look at this?  Such a great picture!" In fact, when my business partner, Ann, received a commission to work with the photographer, I think Carol was more excited than she was.  Imagine how thrilled I was when Gretchen came in with my gift and it was Carol's signed, framed picture of the mad bluebird!  I know how much Carol treasured it-- I will do the same. Hung it right up over the shelf that I've placed the little bluebird statue that Carol gave me before she died.  Every time I pass them I smile.

This last Saturday was SoulCollage.  SoulCollage days are still a bit tough, it just feels like a big ole hole is at the table.  This one, although it was amazingly attended, still felt like something was missing.  I include the framed pic Carol gave me of her Linda SoulCollage card next to the candle in the center of the new cards that are created during our session to honor her. But at the end of the day, I still feel a bit wistful.  This past week I was determined to find a picture of a bluebird to put on my Carol card but was unsuccessful at finding just the perfect one.  I was talking to a fellow SoulCollager after everyone had gone, explaining how I really wanted to make a card for Carol but just can't seem to find the pic.  I was standing at the desk, with my hand on my big SoulCollage card box, while my friend was saying, "so it must just be really hard to do these gatherings... " and I was agreeing, explaining that I really had considered giving them up entirely but the first one after she passed was so well attended that I felt that Carol was reaching out to me from beyond, making sure I kept doing them!  As I'm talking, I look down and gasp.  My hand was resting on a beautiful picture of a bluebird!!! No kidding!!  It took my breath away. 

I bought that box months and months ago.  I never once noticed there was a bluebird on it!  In fact, I'm not so sure it ever was there but for the sake of sanity, I will just think I overlooked it :) What an amazing coincidence.  A bevy of bluebirds flying all over my SoulCollage card box.  Who da thunk it?  I don't really need to make a Carol card with my whole daggone deck being surrounded with her spirit.  Crazy.

My cup runneth over.  Carol, you are too funny. Miss you!

Just kidding...

Yep, the brink was just a plateau...

But we may have found an oasis...

or an island off the mainland.

But it would be better if it was vice versa.

You can't have everything.

At least not all at once.

But most of life is much, much better.

I love my partner.

It's good to have the excitement back.

Makes it much easier to get through the hard times. Or the BS.

Sort of like marriage, life has it's ups and downs, we learn that all is not ever truly lost unless we want it to be. 

It just takes hard work and perseverance.  Good thing that doesn't bug me. Story of my life-- but a good one. When it's on to the next chapter anyways...

Praying for the uptight. May they see the trees for the forest.

On the Brink

Today seems a monumental day. Of course, lately, most days seem monumental. I am hoping that after today, most days will seem extraordinary.  Ordinary with a bit of extra here and there. Happy extra of course.  Can I put that order in, please?

"I'll take a regular day with a side of special and a little extra spice. Thanks!'

It would be quite nice to begin moving forward again.  Seems like we keep going back to the same points over and over.  Just when you thought it was safe to go in the water... the tsunami hits!  Be kinda nice to float, smiling, lending a hand to others floating by, sharing our preservers happily, without being worried they will be ripped from our bodies.

Our classes have been a bit smaller lately.  I'm not really worried with summer and vacations being prevalent but I'm hoping its that and not our upheaval and what not.  I remember when I was taking Tai Chi and absolutely LOVED my classes and my teacher but then he started bickering with his landlords.  I could feel his angst each week, and sometimes he would even share his frustration with a few of us.  It became harder and harder to go to class. Not because he wasn't a great teacher... but because life is just too stressful to take on stress at your stress relieving place, you know?  He eventually left and then came back but it was never the same. Plus, once you get out of a habit...

Oh dear, here I am talking myself into issues where there probably aren't any. Life feels better, much better.  We've been blessed and we are blessed to know it.  We are poised to move on, and some really great things are looming ahead.  All start up businesses go through much upheaval and turmoil til they find their groove.  I think we are really lucky to have so little of it really.  Things could have been much, much worse.  We found our groove very early... just needed to find the right music to go with it. Now that we've worked out a lot of it I feel like we'll be break dancing before long.  Anyone know a good Zumba teacher?

"Let's get it started in here... Let's get it started in here" (waves hands to the roof)

Bluebirds

Had an amazing thing happen the last day of vacation. I've been really trying to think everything through, trying to decide whether to stay at the studio, stay partners, move, quit my job, start all over, blah, blah, blah. The closer it got to today, the more I was dreading coming back. Been arguing with Barry, money, car issues, just everything, you know?

The night before, I was dreaming of my job, nothing spectacular, just different scenarios, Reiki, Yoga, SoulCollage, etc. But the thing that stood out was that at each scenario, Carol, my dear friend who just passed, was there. I would be stewing about something trivial and then look over in the dream and she was just sitting there, smiling. Saying it was ok. I woke up thinking that was really nice, to at least be able to see her in my dreams.

But I sorta forgot about it in my dread and doom and gloom of having to go home. I was sitting on the deck, staring at the water, just feeling real sorry for myself when out of nowhere a bluebird flew right into my face! It completely took my breath away! I've only ever seen a bluebird once before, about 30 years ago, briefly, when driving through Virginia with Barry. I was stunned and excited, then it hit me: right before Carol passed, she gave me an unusual birthday gift. A beautiful, little bluebird statue! At the time, I thought it was odd but I really liked it and put it on a shelf in my spirit room. As I sat there realizing the connection, I realized what it meant... she was telling me to choose happiness. Just like she always had. Find my joy. Do it.

Carol was an amazing woman, she never backed down from a challenge, she just kept trudging on, searching for happiness. I feel like that was a total affirmation that she is still with me, guiding me and helping me keep perspective. I don't know what the future holds in so many aspects of my life right now but I do know that I will be on the lookout  for bluebirds!

Blue Bird People are learning to embrace the beauty, Love and happiness that lives within themselves. Bluebirds are considered a sign of spring and a symbol of happiness and Love.

Questions

After all the twists and turns of the last month.. 6 months... year?... I have decided it's time for a break.  Fortunately, we have friends with just the place to do that.  We've been coming to a modest trailer right on the water for at least 20 years, it belongs to my best friend's family, has switched hands and lots a few times and has now even switched houses.  It has landed in the best spot in the subdivision, with the best unobstructed view and it's an actual house now, beautiful! New furniture, new things to look at, but enough of the old touches to keep the kitschy charm. 

Rhia and I are here for a week, Barry will join us mid-week.  It seems like a long, delicious stretch of time... until I think about all that awaits me when I have to leave.  I feel a sense of panic at the thought, strong enough to make me start actually noticing how much the hated townhouses across the bay cost.  I bet people up here would love low cost Yoga-- Reiki Healing--SoulCollage.  Or maybe I just will pack it up, let it go and apply for a job at 7/11.  Or maybe I will just leave this area all together and go south to my family's roots.  Edenton, NC looks mighty good right now.  What to do?

Feels like I've been fighting for years, ready to lay down my arms and just give in.  Give in to the status quo, give in to the mindlessness, give up on trying to make the world better.  Join the fray of let's be miserable and find people to blame it on.  Make money be the most important thing in life, instead of people... and Spirit.  Check the box on Sunday so I can do whatever I want with the rest of the days, including trashing the box.  I'm just so tired.  Music, worship, theater, yoga, it's all been one big character assassination, and usually by a bunch of characters that haven't a clue about mine.  Don't want to have a pity party in this beautiful spot so I'm just meditating, watching the water flow, waiting for the answers to come and being patient when they don't.  I've learned enough through all my years of study to know that you can't force wisdom, it comes when we are quiet, when we stop asking, when we just listen.

In meditation, I often tell people to drop their questions into water, wait for the ripples to subside and sometimes the answers are in the stillness. I hope I have enough time to wait, feel like I am at a major crossroads with a slight sense of urgency... as if time is running out.  How do I start over at 50? What does God want? What do I want? The only thing I am absolutely sure of is that I am meant to be a Reiki Master, a Yoga Teacher, a helper of lost spirits... only, if that's the case, why has it been so hard?  Maybe I'm not absolutely sure of anything...

Toss it into the water... wait for the ripples to fade and listen for the still, small voice.... it's gotta be in there somewhere.