"We can’t control the world, but we can control our reactions to it." ~ Susan Jeffers
Life seems to be wanting me to learn lessons on control and lack thereof right now. The launch has been postponed indefinitely right now. A large project I was working on is on hold with much chaos surrounding it. I am finding it difficult to control my own thoughts, breathing & emotions because I am stunned at some very controlling behavior of others. The whole world seems to be slowly spinning out of control, which I believe is what is creating so much futile attempts at control.
When my daughter was in middle school, the school received an influx of kids from another district that they were not prepared to handle. In the first week of school, a random sniper shot one of her classmates right in front of her new school, leading to weeks of fear and nightmares that she still sometimes revisits. The strain on the staff and faculty was palpable. After the sniper was caught, there was still massive chaos within the school trying to handle an overage of kids, sometimes 40 kids in a class to 1 teacher. Out of control.
One day towards the end of the year, I got a phone call saying I needed to come pick my daughter up immediately because she was dressed inappropriately and had been pulled out of lunch and publicly humiliated in front of everyone in the cafeteria. I rush to the school, confused, what could she possibly be wearing that was inappropriate? She was in the same style clothes she had worn all year. She was going through a pudgy stage, and the style at the time was low cut shirts and hip hugger jeans, a style that did not suit her budding figure. She tended to wear brightly colored pajama pants which was also the norm for kids her age.
I get to the office only to see my sobbing child sitting alone dressed in her very loose ducky pants and a sweatshirt. A student working behind the desk, dressed in a very low cut skin tight shirt, exposing her belly with jeans that fastened well under the belly button, says to me, "you that girl's mom? you need to bring her some new clothes, _________ says she can't wear pajama bottoms anymore... they aren't decent". WHAT?????
Long story short: After much letter writing, arguing, revisiting the code of conduct and dress policy, my daughter was publicly apologized to for being used as a tool for something _______ could control. I learned that when people feel like they and their world is out of control, in their stress and fear they begin to look for things they CAN control, things that make them feel strong and productive when they feel like they can't get their job done.
I also learned that as much as I hate confrontation, as much as I would rather just walk away and hide from it, when kids are concerned I have to suck it up and speak my piece. I could not allow my daughter to think that it was okay for institutions to arbitrarily decide that they were going to change the rules without any advance notice and then punish her for not following them. Even though I felt for their situation, I could not allow her to be their scapegoat.
The lesson of all of this, past and present is: people behave badly when they think their world is threatened. Or when they get the inkling that maybe they aren't in control. The simple truth is....we never were. Grasping for control is the problem. Letting go and trusting is the soulution. But sometimes you gotta suck it up and say your peace.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
I am where I am
This week I was supposed to be in Florida watching my brother in law get blasted off into space. For real. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your perspective, his launch has been delayed. We had made elaborate plans that had taken months working out the logistics of how to get Rhia there, how to afford it, where to stay, who will take care of the animals and all the other minutiae that goes along with a weekly trip when you are older and have responsibilities.
So, just as we worked the whole shebang out the launch was postponed. And has since been postponed a few more times. We no sooner make hotel reservations then they postpone it again. It has become extremely laughable. In the meantime, all our careful planning has slowly gotten thrown out the window. Today they had a meeting to decide whether they should have a meeting to decide when the launch will actually be but are making it very clear that it will not be before the 22nd. Unless of course they change their minds.
The easy moral of this story is go with the flow. Best laid plans go awry. I bet you could come up with a dozen cliches right off the top of your head.
I realized today that I have a huge ringing in my ears and some tension that I am carrying in my back. I realized that I am so forward looking that I really don't know how to live in the gap. For all my teachings of being in the moment, I realized that there is still a part of me living in the future. Not knowing what or when this is going to happen has thrown my equilibrium off a bit. It's sort of like, I am happy living in the moment as long as I can expect the next moment. But not knowing the next is making me uncomfortable in the present. You know?
What a gift. Because we never really know the next moment. In an easy swoop, any anticipated future could change, we could cease to exist or our life as we know it could drastically change. We know this on an intellectual level but actually living it, at least in practice, seems to me to be a very valuable life skill. Just like with yoga, we practice being uncomfortable and being able to breathe and relax through it, I guess practicing to go and then not go and then let go is just another form of yoga. Slash life.
I worried all week about my schedule and rescheduling and figuring out what to do with this unexpected time. Today I painted my bathroom. What fun. I even put sunny sunshine faces all over it. I'm okay with this moment. I guess the next moment can come without my input. Lead the way Lord...I'll just follow.
So, just as we worked the whole shebang out the launch was postponed. And has since been postponed a few more times. We no sooner make hotel reservations then they postpone it again. It has become extremely laughable. In the meantime, all our careful planning has slowly gotten thrown out the window. Today they had a meeting to decide whether they should have a meeting to decide when the launch will actually be but are making it very clear that it will not be before the 22nd. Unless of course they change their minds.
The easy moral of this story is go with the flow. Best laid plans go awry. I bet you could come up with a dozen cliches right off the top of your head.
I realized today that I have a huge ringing in my ears and some tension that I am carrying in my back. I realized that I am so forward looking that I really don't know how to live in the gap. For all my teachings of being in the moment, I realized that there is still a part of me living in the future. Not knowing what or when this is going to happen has thrown my equilibrium off a bit. It's sort of like, I am happy living in the moment as long as I can expect the next moment. But not knowing the next is making me uncomfortable in the present. You know?
What a gift. Because we never really know the next moment. In an easy swoop, any anticipated future could change, we could cease to exist or our life as we know it could drastically change. We know this on an intellectual level but actually living it, at least in practice, seems to me to be a very valuable life skill. Just like with yoga, we practice being uncomfortable and being able to breathe and relax through it, I guess practicing to go and then not go and then let go is just another form of yoga. Slash life.
I worried all week about my schedule and rescheduling and figuring out what to do with this unexpected time. Today I painted my bathroom. What fun. I even put sunny sunshine faces all over it. I'm okay with this moment. I guess the next moment can come without my input. Lead the way Lord...I'll just follow.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Yoga... 10 years Later
I was thinking this morning about the instantaneous effect yoga brings. When you practice yoga for a very, very long time, your body/mind/spirit become used to tuning in to the present. It's like the minute you take that first conscious breath you go on autopilot. But it's not a foggy autopilot... it's a completely aware autopilot, it's hard to explain.
My practice begins. I turn my palms up, ready to receive. I take a deep breath, completely filling my lungs. Slowly I exhale, feeling my muscles instantly melting, letting go. My feet root to the ground. My crown chakra opens and light comes pouring in. I no longer have to think. I can completely trust, go on instinct, let the breath take control. It's a lovely place.
"Let's inhale up" I say. My arms raise joyously, thankfully... ahhh yoga.
Those first couple movements, those first couple breaths are so precious. It's like coming home to rest. Automatically I am led through an opening series. I'm ashamed to admit this but sometimes I forget anyone else is there. They remind me :) After the first couple movements I become focused, super aware of the needs of all in the room. Ahhh, hips today. Or shoulders.
Once we are warmed up, I get a tremendous burst of energy. I wander about, zeroing in on each person. With my regulars sometimes I just have to look... I say, "let's use that exhale to...." and 4 people lower their shoulders, smiling. I circle the newcomers, sensing whether they want to be touched or led and adjust them if they are open to it. Sometimes I just lay a hand on my yogis shoulders... I am there... all is well... and I love you.
Course the I isn't I by then. --insert tremendous look of gratitude here.
Usually by mid-point, the energy becomes contagious. Smiles get bigger. Gentle teasing ensues (usually my students teasing me LOL) Giggling becomes the sound that replaces the breath. Ahh, we are ready to balance. You can't be so serious if you want to balance. Think about it. If balance is a yin/yang opportunity, wouldn't it stand to reason that seriousness & laughter go hand in hand? There is a wealth of wisdom in that statement.
Depending on who is in the class, sometimes I let myself get lost in a balance. People struggle with balance so much. It makes some of them angry and hard on themselves. If they see other's such as myself balancing without effort, it makes them angry at me. I understand. I was there. We've all been there. It depends on them whether they are inspired or envious. Same with stretching. I have gone into a deep forward bend and had students exclaim that they hate me. I understand. But I didn't get there overnight. I say a quick prayer that they find the same joy and motivation to stick with it.
By the time we get to relaxation, my spirit is light. I am filled with love. I send healing energy and prayers to my students as they lay there. I feel maternal as I watch them rest. I put them all in a large hug of light and hope they find what they need and understand it may not be what they want. Ahhh yoga.
When people stick with it and actually "get it", it is one of the most beautiful joys in the world. I see it on their faces. And I watch it change their lives. At first this is scary. I understand. I was used to being in control, or so I thought. When I first started being "spacey" it was terrifying. How could I manage everything and still feel so... well... pleasant? The answer was I couldn't.
Thank God. Look where it brought me. Namaste'
My practice begins. I turn my palms up, ready to receive. I take a deep breath, completely filling my lungs. Slowly I exhale, feeling my muscles instantly melting, letting go. My feet root to the ground. My crown chakra opens and light comes pouring in. I no longer have to think. I can completely trust, go on instinct, let the breath take control. It's a lovely place.
"Let's inhale up" I say. My arms raise joyously, thankfully... ahhh yoga.
Those first couple movements, those first couple breaths are so precious. It's like coming home to rest. Automatically I am led through an opening series. I'm ashamed to admit this but sometimes I forget anyone else is there. They remind me :) After the first couple movements I become focused, super aware of the needs of all in the room. Ahhh, hips today. Or shoulders.
Once we are warmed up, I get a tremendous burst of energy. I wander about, zeroing in on each person. With my regulars sometimes I just have to look... I say, "let's use that exhale to...." and 4 people lower their shoulders, smiling. I circle the newcomers, sensing whether they want to be touched or led and adjust them if they are open to it. Sometimes I just lay a hand on my yogis shoulders... I am there... all is well... and I love you.
Course the I isn't I by then. --insert tremendous look of gratitude here.
Usually by mid-point, the energy becomes contagious. Smiles get bigger. Gentle teasing ensues (usually my students teasing me LOL) Giggling becomes the sound that replaces the breath. Ahh, we are ready to balance. You can't be so serious if you want to balance. Think about it. If balance is a yin/yang opportunity, wouldn't it stand to reason that seriousness & laughter go hand in hand? There is a wealth of wisdom in that statement.
Depending on who is in the class, sometimes I let myself get lost in a balance. People struggle with balance so much. It makes some of them angry and hard on themselves. If they see other's such as myself balancing without effort, it makes them angry at me. I understand. I was there. We've all been there. It depends on them whether they are inspired or envious. Same with stretching. I have gone into a deep forward bend and had students exclaim that they hate me. I understand. But I didn't get there overnight. I say a quick prayer that they find the same joy and motivation to stick with it.
By the time we get to relaxation, my spirit is light. I am filled with love. I send healing energy and prayers to my students as they lay there. I feel maternal as I watch them rest. I put them all in a large hug of light and hope they find what they need and understand it may not be what they want. Ahhh yoga.
When people stick with it and actually "get it", it is one of the most beautiful joys in the world. I see it on their faces. And I watch it change their lives. At first this is scary. I understand. I was used to being in control, or so I thought. When I first started being "spacey" it was terrifying. How could I manage everything and still feel so... well... pleasant? The answer was I couldn't.
Thank God. Look where it brought me. Namaste'
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Balance
I have been working on balance. No, not physically, other than that sharp wind from the left in the Sanctuary trying to knock me over, my physical balance is good. It's the emotional balancing that tends to get a bit tricky.
Learning to navigate the work, family, self, show, friends, river is very challenging for me. I have often said I have the opposite of ADD-- I can only focus on one thing at a time and it tends to consume me. I have to really drag myself from my task once I'm in it and get very irritated when I am interrupted. This was quite a pickle when the kids were little and we had 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 rabbits, 2 guinea pigs, 100 fish and in and out foster children. There was no such thing as focus. I couldn't even focus in the bathroom... sometimes I would open the door to find the whole lot of them standing there looking at me impatiently.
Ok, well, maybe not the fish. But the rest of them!
Since the occupants of my home have dwindled down, I have had more opportunities to focus. But because it is my life's task to learn to structure (according to that book) I have scattered my own energies, diversifying and making the attempt to balance all my "stuff".
Currently I am working on:
Evening at CCPC
Getting my jewelry stock back up & filling custom orders
Private & Group Yoga classes
Gathering people and info for the next play
Reiki Appts.
SoulCollage workshops
My newsletter
Preparing for the Space Launch trip
Keeping in contact w/my daughter in NC
Helping my son here with sliced fingers and future planning
Email, email, email
Dragging my self off Facebook & Twitter
Tarot readings
Sending Reiki energy to the World Peace grids
Watering my poor dying plants
Cleaning my wretched house by Thursday for the yoga classes here
Attempting to talk w/my husband while trying to keep up with the never ending DVR overload
My own yoga/meditation/reading practice Ha.
Blogging, sha right.
Making myself exercise for an hour every day
It doesn't help that I tend to go off on one tangent and get stuck (facebookers, can you hear me?) and then have to perform crisis management to catch the rest up. I keep thinking I should organize by the hour.... this hour for this, that hour for that, this day, that day... it seems a bit overwhelming. Which is why I am frequently writing my newsletter at midnight.
Sometimes it seems as if a 9-5 job would be such a vacation. But I love, love, love what I am doing. I have met the coolest people and have felt the most amazing energy (last night was unbelievable) I wouldn't trade my life for a million dollars.
Well. Maybe parts of it.
Remember the principles of balance: Focus. Allow yourself to sway, don't try and hold still, balance is fluid. Empty completely into one side without leaning. Keep the core strong.... OH.... that's the one I missed.
Talk to you soon. Love ya!
Learning to navigate the work, family, self, show, friends, river is very challenging for me. I have often said I have the opposite of ADD-- I can only focus on one thing at a time and it tends to consume me. I have to really drag myself from my task once I'm in it and get very irritated when I am interrupted. This was quite a pickle when the kids were little and we had 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 rabbits, 2 guinea pigs, 100 fish and in and out foster children. There was no such thing as focus. I couldn't even focus in the bathroom... sometimes I would open the door to find the whole lot of them standing there looking at me impatiently.
Ok, well, maybe not the fish. But the rest of them!
Since the occupants of my home have dwindled down, I have had more opportunities to focus. But because it is my life's task to learn to structure (according to that book) I have scattered my own energies, diversifying and making the attempt to balance all my "stuff".
Currently I am working on:
Evening at CCPC
Getting my jewelry stock back up & filling custom orders
Private & Group Yoga classes
Gathering people and info for the next play
Reiki Appts.
SoulCollage workshops
My newsletter
Preparing for the Space Launch trip
Keeping in contact w/my daughter in NC
Helping my son here with sliced fingers and future planning
Email, email, email
Dragging my self off Facebook & Twitter
Tarot readings
Sending Reiki energy to the World Peace grids
Watering my poor dying plants
Cleaning my wretched house by Thursday for the yoga classes here
Attempting to talk w/my husband while trying to keep up with the never ending DVR overload
My own yoga/meditation/reading practice Ha.
Blogging, sha right.
Making myself exercise for an hour every day
It doesn't help that I tend to go off on one tangent and get stuck (facebookers, can you hear me?) and then have to perform crisis management to catch the rest up. I keep thinking I should organize by the hour.... this hour for this, that hour for that, this day, that day... it seems a bit overwhelming. Which is why I am frequently writing my newsletter at midnight.
Sometimes it seems as if a 9-5 job would be such a vacation. But I love, love, love what I am doing. I have met the coolest people and have felt the most amazing energy (last night was unbelievable) I wouldn't trade my life for a million dollars.
Well. Maybe parts of it.
Remember the principles of balance: Focus. Allow yourself to sway, don't try and hold still, balance is fluid. Empty completely into one side without leaning. Keep the core strong.... OH.... that's the one I missed.
Talk to you soon. Love ya!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
January 21st.
Last night we raised a glass to toast the new President. The group at yoga was small, having been moved from our big Sanctuary to my place--it's a bit more intimate. We spent the first 20 minutes discussing our impressions of the day, and since we were all of like mind, our excitement was evident. It was hard to settle down to yoga--living so close to DC made it possible to actually feel the wave of energy emanating from those millions on the mall-- but I know how important it is to breathe deep, settle in and be in the moment.
Keeping level is important. Throughout the last eight years, those of us that realized the magnitude of the events occurring without our control, without our input, had to learn to bide our time. Those years were very important because we had to learn to go with the flow, trust in a better time to come. To learn the truth of what is up...will come down... and pray for the time when what is down will be salvaged. This is where we are. And yes, though we celebrate, it remains important to stay level. We know in our hearts that the road is long and filled with ups and downs. We need to stay in our hearts, in this moment, in this time.
One of my favorite cards in the Osho deck is Success:
Keeping level is important. Throughout the last eight years, those of us that realized the magnitude of the events occurring without our control, without our input, had to learn to bide our time. Those years were very important because we had to learn to go with the flow, trust in a better time to come. To learn the truth of what is up...will come down... and pray for the time when what is down will be salvaged. This is where we are. And yes, though we celebrate, it remains important to stay level. We know in our hearts that the road is long and filled with ups and downs. We need to stay in our hearts, in this moment, in this time.
One of my favorite cards in the Osho deck is Success:
It seems so relevant today. Especially with the tiger walking on the world. It's all about riding the tiger of success, celebrating with a tickertape parade... "enjoy it, and share your joy with others - and remember that all bright parades have a beginning and an end. If you keep this in mind, and squeeze every drop of juice out of the happiness you are experiencing now, you will be able to take the future as it comes without regrets. But don't be tempted to try to hold on to this abundant moment, or coat it in plastic so that it lasts forever. The greatest wisdom to keep in mind with all the phenomena in the parade of your life, whether they be valleys or peaks, it that 'this too will pass'. Celebrate, YES, and keep on riding the tiger.
Enjoy the peak while it lasts and then enjoy the valley when it comes. What is wrong with the valley? What is wrong with being low? It is a relaxation. A peak is an excitement, and nobody can exist continuously in an excitement."
This is what President Obama was saying in his inaugural address and over and over in all his speeches since he was elected. We must stay level and not allow the highs and lows to rule our consciousness. We have learned that things are never in our control.. they never were... and we can survive and learn from others mistakes as much as our own. In many ways we are blessed with new knowledge of what is important: working with others, not trusting that 'big daddy' will take care of us...sometimes we need to seize the moment and trust our instincts and do what our hearts tell us to do-- and most importantly, not allow fear to stop us from doing it. And let us not forget Hope.. it's a real generator of change.
I am breathing in and breathing out... just a bit easier now. Namaste'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)