Perpetually Busy

Hi, my name is Linda and I am a workaholic. Hi Linda!

It's been 3 years since I quit working obsessively and started recovery.  Lately, I've been finding myself slipping off the wagon... feeling as if I don't have enough hours in the day to get everything done. Feeling guilty if I catch myself gazing at the cherry blossoms blowing against the deep blue sky.

I've caught myself feeling grumpy about all there is to do.  I've felt "put upon", like I'm the only one that can see all there is to do.. I've caught myself dragging the proverbial overloaded trash can murmuring "oh no, don't worry about me, I've got it" as I wince outwardly and sigh dramatically. All the martyrs of the past haunt me, "SEE? Now you know what we've gone through!".

I've started the comparison shuffle, thinking that I have to be the winner. Well, first I have to do this, then that, than that, than that, that, that and maybe even put the icing on the cake and do a play! I WIN! I caught myself lugging a 25 x 40 foot tarp over my gazebo roof yesterday, climbing up and down a ladder repeatedly, pulling and tugging, sweating and swearing, being pissed at my sleeping son for not reading my mind and KNOWING I needed help, "OH NO, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, I'VE GOT IT!" Oh Mrs. Abercrombie, how you haunt me. Next thing you know I'll be dragging my leg along side the trash cans...drooling.

Too over the top? Yeah. Time to go back to the serenity prayer for workaholics.

Dear Lord, Give me the serenity to accept that Rome wasn't built in a day.  Give me the courage to admit that other people are capable of doing work too, even if they don't see or know what needs to be done. Help me to accept that the world is not full of slackers, that it's me with the problem even if its clear to me that this problem should've been taken care of yesterday.... Help me to accept the amount of hours in a day, do what I can and never, ever hesitate to stop to admire the cherry blossoms blowing in the wind. Amen.

A makeover

You ever watch those make over shows? Some poor soul is attacked by some know it all judges who let them know in no uncertain terms that they are AWFUL, have no taste in clothes, in fact, everything they own should be burned because no one with any self respect would be caught dead in them.

The poor soul, having no choice but to try to appear to be a good sport, allows themselves to be completely re-done, head to toe, often with a change of hair color/style, plastered make up and a new wardrobe that reflects who the attacker is... and has nothing to do with who the poor soul is.

The attackers then smugly proceed to unveil all their undoings and everyone cries about how finally, poor soul has been saved from her own self delusions of who she was and made to conform to the attackers delusions of perfection. It's dreadful. The worst self mockery or self denial, even her family tells her the smug attackers are so much better than the poor soul at knowing what's best for her.  Poor soul always cries, "I don't know what I was thinking!" I always want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her, "you WEREN'T thinking! you were BEING!  And there's nothing wrong with that."

So many folks miss the boat.  They worry so much about the appearance of things that they miss any meaning to be found. They are slaves to some unknown master, how things should be, never realizing that there's nothing wrong with things being as they are. Or changing what needs to be changed without focusing on the exterior, learning that the interior is much more important. Why you are doing something is far more important than how. Losing sight of their own missions because they never honestly defined them to begin with. Or worse, thinking that their mission is to change another without seeing that they were attracted to the other in the first place because of who they were... not who they wanted them to be.  More likely, who they wanted to be but can't see themselves because of all their rules on what things are supposed to look like. 

I'm sure the attackers started out with some idea of wanting to make people happy. Most people have the best of intentions.  They just get caught up in the me, me, me's of it all. They start feeling like they are sooo clever, sooo wise, no one else could possibly be as good as they.  And they lose sight of what's real... WHO matters, not WHAT. It's a sad phenomenon. One that pisses me off-- I can't STAND to watch those shows.  Even the commercials annoy me.  Even when it's a show I like to watch... I turn it off. I feel so bad for the poor soul who doesn't know their own beauty, their own self worth and most importantly, that its not what's outside that counts.

Didn't your mama teach you that?

Reiki Share

At the Share today:
21 People.
14 Reiki Healers.
5 Reiki Masters.

How is that possible? Barry has said over and over again during this journey... Linda. If you build it, they will come.  If you build it... 

Wow. It's built. They are coming. I am amazed.  I've been doing this for years, have had small successes, small failures, big mountaintop moments, crushing stressed out moments, times when I've had to really just trust... times when I've thrown it all in.  The one thing I have really had to learn is that I create my own destiny.  For many years, I was unsure. I had trouble committing to this path, worried that it wouldn't work, worried that I didn't have the energy, worried that, well, that I would build it and they wouldn't come.

For years, they have come. Through all my wishy washy-ness, they have come.  Even when I've pushed them away, whether intentionally or unintentionally, they have come. They have taught me so much more than I have ever taught them. A year ago, I made a decision to commit.  I realized that by trying so hard to stay small, I was making myself small. Marianne Williamson says our real fear is not that we are inadequate... it's that we are powerful beyond belief. Wise woman.

When I turned 49, it dawned on me that if I didn't build it now.. it wouldn't be built. It hit me that I wasn't doing anyone a favor by staying small. Many people supported me and kept giving me messages of encouragement. I started looking for new ways... new places.. a new partner. We built it.  And they are coming.  It's beautiful, wonderful, magical. And hopefully, not fleeting.  So much is still up in the air.  So much uncertainty. 21 people.  Where were they? And where will they go if we can't stay? Where will we go?

Trust. Keep showing up. Keep putting it out there. Smile. And most important, BELIEVE. James says I don't realize how much support I have, how many people believe in me. He's right. I don't. But I'm learning.

All shall be well. May the healing Light be with you. Namaste'

and once I get through this...

I'm in the 'I gotta get through this and then' game.  You know the one.  Life takes a turn for the busy. You start running a bit quicker, jazzing up, trying to get more done in a shorter amount of time, thinking that as soon as you complete that one task, you will have time to rest. Barry has teased me for years about my false sense of schedule clearing after "this next week". It's been super crazy with stuff stacking up on top of each other. Mostly laundry.

Don't get me wrong. I love it. I intended it. It's on my vision board.  But woooo weeeeee its been hectic. Thank God some of it is stress management practices LOL. It's easy to be hectic when the activities include Ki Gong, Meditation, Reiki, Yoga & SoulCollage.  I mean, seriously, how bad could it be?  But it has been crazy trying to plan and prepare for the next thing. And the next.  But after this week, it gets better. hahahahhahahahaha

Just kidding.  I think I come up for air on March... 20?  I dunno. Hey. I'll sleep when I'm dead, right?

Floridahhhh

Here's my vacation.  See if you can spot all the things that happened. (sort of where's waldoish? or i spy?)

Ron & Jenny's coconut tree got a coconut. Or something.
We went on the boat.
We went to Jupiter.
We saw the space shuttle (50 extra points if you find the trail)
The pelicans were watching too.
Sasha did not like her harness. (video coming soon)
We went to Butterfly World. (also videoed)
We went to GaunaBuanas, The Cove (twice), Square Grouper, The Greek Place, Bar Louie, Bru's Room (twice in different cities), Little Havana, Duffy's, Alabama Joes, Omelette's R Us (not really), Key Lime House & Apicurus sp? Jenny & Ron like to eat out :)
We made up a new drinking game in the flagged garage.
We played trivia outside and in.
Barry won.
We found our dream house, 10 times.
Watched a pelican eat a fish sideways.
Watched a lizard eat a butterfly :(
We went to a flea market. Not impressed.
We had coffee on the lanai. Every morning. Very impressive.
Barry & I went for a walk in their neighborhood and got lost. (Seriously)
I did yoga on the boat while it was cruising down the ICW.  Brave warrior with the wind whipping my hair back yeeeee!
We played Wii.
I attuned Jenny.
Jenny did Reiki on me :)
Watched Social Network.
The weather was GORGEOUS. The whole week.

All in all, a wonderful winter interlude.  Come home to sunshine and started a fire. Life is good.