Limbo Land

So. Here we are in Florida. Now, Florida is a really great place. Warm breezes, ocean waves, friendly people, what a great place to be stuck in. Yep. Stuck. This is all so surreal. Sunday we drive 9 hours to Montreat to pick up my daughter. Have a marvelous time in Asheville visiting the Mellow Mushroom and spending a bit of time visiting my daughter's stomping grounds. Get up the next day and drive 10 hours to Florida. Get in late, have quite a bit of drama over the room but yeah, it's Florida... how bad can it be?

Spend the next day on a delightful tour of Nasa, feeling sort of special with our family passes, being ushered through special back doors and going to visit the whole team of Space Shuttle Discovery "across the ditch"... (Astronauts are put in quarantine a week before a launch to make sure they don't get sick during their mission so you can't hug them... or their family... before the big "take off" so they stand across the street from you as you and all the other family members are herded into a large corded area so you can wave, clap and stare at them before the actual launch. Sort of monkey like but a great photo op)

Got to go to Imax and see just how scary Ricky's spacewalks are in 3D (if he ever gets the launch on a reasonable time, he'll get 3) Got to sit in a simulated "space shuttle experience" ride and feel the G forces he'll feel if/when he launches. Got briefed by a real astronaut on what it will all be like and got to ask questions just like we were... well, people who got briefed by real astronauts. Got a ride out to the landing strip and the special family launch space that said family (us) will get to watch supposed launch.

And now we sit. and wait. and drink. Poor Weez, my sister in law and said astronauts wife, is a mess. She feels so bad that we have all come from all over, California, Korea, Saudi Arabia, Canada, New York, and of course, Texas, where they live, to see this wonderful experience for Ricky.... only to be scrambling trying to find hotel rooms and new flights and all the other logistics of living in limbo... shall we stay til Monday? or Wednesday? What ARE the odds that this sucker will fly? Can I get my employer/dog sitter/clients to just be patient and wait a few more days? And what if it doesn't launch? How long do we hold out? Should we leave Weez and the kids alone? What if we go home and they announce the launch the next day? What if we stay and they don't launch til April? So many questions. So few answers.

But in spite of all of it, we are having a great time. There is a large group of us. Friends from 30 years ago. The entire Miller family sans a few cousins. We have been partying like it's 1979. We laughed so hard last night reminiscing that most of us were complaining of our bellies and faces being sore from laughing so hard. When we were young we used to have "big chill" weekends... where we would all get together and party for an entire weekend.. we are all giggling about how this is a "big chill" week. Trouble is, we don't know when it will end. We don't know how long we will be in limbo here. We don't know how long our livers will hold out, let alone our hotel reservations.

Oh well, we are digging in our heels and trying to see it all through. Hopefully it will be Sunday. All we can do is play it one day at a time. Sooner or later he will launch, or we will come home. But in the meantime... it's party time! Could be worse... at least we are in sunny Florida! And my oh my it is BEAUTIFUL here. Kinda hard to complain huh? Esp. when Ricky's safety is first and foremost on all of our minds....

See you one day...don't know when. Namaste'

Whirlwind Tour

Life has been exceptionally busy lately. While we are still staying glued to the NASA RSS feed, not knowing when/if we are leaving anytime soon, we are going about our business as usual. I had scheduled a ton of stuff for after the proverbial space launch so it was time to get cracking... or cranking...

Last week was spent preparing for the Restorative Yoga Day. Ahhh, if you haven't been to a RYD you just don't know how wonderful it is. As I was telling my friends/participants Saturday morning, it's an extra special treat for me since most of the time I am doing all the talking teaching--it's great to sit down and listen to my students and catch up to what's going on with their lives. It's also a great meditative day, since they get to ease into their poses and then while they just lay on the cushions and pillows sinking in, I get a lot of breathing in and breathing out time. I feel so blessed to be able to watch even the tightest shoulders slowly relax... sometimes it's even my own. I am always amazed at the insights that are shared during this day, even with people I've known for many years, you get to see, really see each person in a new light. White Light of course!

It's a lot of pre-prep stuff though. Since it's at my house, all my furniture in the office & Spirit Room is moved out to accommodate all the blankets, mats & pillows and this has a bit of domino effect to the rest of the house. Barry took off work a half day Friday to help with this process (he does all the cooking too--it's a joint effort) Just as we placed the last piece of bric a brac and sat down to rest my son pops in. With my daughter. From North Carolina. SURPRISE!!

Seems Rhia wanted to surprise us for our anniversary so she hatched a plot with a college friend from Frederick to drop in for the weekend. This weekend. Which was a scheduling nightmare! After all the hugs and exclamations we said, "RHIA!!! what are you thinking?"

"I know, I know, but I figure since I'm ditching you to go to Florida for Spring Break I should come and see you." (spoken like a true college student--so proud)

"But Rhia, we have the restorative day and a party that night and open house the next day...."

"I know but I won't be around anyway cause G & K are home and I really want to see them..."

"So you came all this way to see us (cough, cough)"

"Well, if I don't see G & K now, I don't know when I will... oh and btdubs, M & J are coming over"

You see where this was headed. So, the next thing we knew the house was filled with kids. Apparently we were the last to know. I was looking around my previously clean living room Friday night, frantically trying to find beautiful poetry for the RYD, kids everywhere, Guitar Hero paraphernalia strewn all about and I started cracking up. Best laid plans....

Turned out to be a stroke of genius on the part of the Universe though, one of my RYD guests called the night before and I could tell that she was young. Very young. Now, not to be offensive but the median age of my usual guests is 40ish. Ish. So, I instantly drafted Rhia. "you have to spend the WHOLE day with me and make this girl feel like she's not surrounded by just old folks" "ahhh geez!" But she did. And it was AWESOME! I got to partner up with Rhia and play silly yoga dancer games and see her relax a bit and yep, even see her in a new light. She's growing up. She's a pretty amazing person. Have I mentioned how much I miss her? Sigh. 2 more months.

So then the Universe decided to play another trick on us and get her snowed in. She was supposed to leave Sunday. But the roads were very icky all the way to NC Sunday. After much freaking out and flight searching, she lucked out and they closed the schools in NC. So we got a bonus day and a half! She couldn't leave til late yesterday morning cause of all the snow here. So we sandwiched in as much as you possibly could in 2 days...

The latest date for the launch is March 12th. So, in less than a week we may be picking her back up. Crazy Universe. This living in the now thing is exhausting.

Wow. What a mess.

"We can’t control the world, but we can control our reactions to it." ~ Susan Jeffers

Life seems to be wanting me to learn lessons on control and lack thereof right now. The launch has been postponed indefinitely right now. A large project I was working on is on hold with much chaos surrounding it. I am finding it difficult to control my own thoughts, breathing & emotions because I am stunned at some very controlling behavior of others. The whole world seems to be slowly spinning out of control, which I believe is what is creating so much futile attempts at control.

When my daughter was in middle school, the school received an influx of kids from another district that they were not prepared to handle. In the first week of school, a random sniper shot one of her classmates right in front of her new school, leading to weeks of fear and nightmares that she still sometimes revisits. The strain on the staff and faculty was palpable. After the sniper was caught, there was still massive chaos within the school trying to handle an overage of kids, sometimes 40 kids in a class to 1 teacher. Out of control.

One day towards the end of the year, I got a phone call saying I needed to come pick my daughter up immediately because she was dressed inappropriately and had been pulled out of lunch and publicly humiliated in front of everyone in the cafeteria. I rush to the school, confused, what could she possibly be wearing that was inappropriate? She was in the same style clothes she had worn all year. She was going through a pudgy stage, and the style at the time was low cut shirts and hip hugger jeans, a style that did not suit her budding figure. She tended to wear brightly colored pajama pants which was also the norm for kids her age.

I get to the office only to see my sobbing child sitting alone dressed in her very loose ducky pants and a sweatshirt. A student working behind the desk, dressed in a very low cut skin tight shirt, exposing her belly with jeans that fastened well under the belly button, says to me, "you that girl's mom? you need to bring her some new clothes, _________ says she can't wear pajama bottoms anymore... they aren't decent". WHAT?????

Long story short: After much letter writing, arguing, revisiting the code of conduct and dress policy, my daughter was publicly apologized to for being used as a tool for something _______ could control. I learned that when people feel like they and their world is out of control, in their stress and fear they begin to look for things they CAN control, things that make them feel strong and productive when they feel like they can't get their job done.

I also learned that as much as I hate confrontation, as much as I would rather just walk away and hide from it, when kids are concerned I have to suck it up and speak my piece. I could not allow my daughter to think that it was okay for institutions to arbitrarily decide that they were going to change the rules without any advance notice and then punish her for not following them. Even though I felt for their situation, I could not allow her to be their scapegoat.

The lesson of all of this, past and present is: people behave badly when they think their world is threatened. Or when they get the inkling that maybe they aren't in control. The simple truth is....we never were. Grasping for control is the problem. Letting go and trusting is the soulution. But sometimes you gotta suck it up and say your peace.

I am where I am

This week I was supposed to be in Florida watching my brother in law get blasted off into space. For real. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your perspective, his launch has been delayed. We had made elaborate plans that had taken months working out the logistics of how to get Rhia there, how to afford it, where to stay, who will take care of the animals and all the other minutiae that goes along with a weekly trip when you are older and have responsibilities.

So, just as we worked the whole shebang out the launch was postponed. And has since been postponed a few more times. We no sooner make hotel reservations then they postpone it again. It has become extremely laughable. In the meantime, all our careful planning has slowly gotten thrown out the window. Today they had a meeting to decide whether they should have a meeting to decide when the launch will actually be but are making it very clear that it will not be before the 22nd. Unless of course they change their minds.

The easy moral of this story is go with the flow. Best laid plans go awry. I bet you could come up with a dozen cliches right off the top of your head.

I realized today that I have a huge ringing in my ears and some tension that I am carrying in my back. I realized that I am so forward looking that I really don't know how to live in the gap. For all my teachings of being in the moment, I realized that there is still a part of me living in the future. Not knowing what or when this is going to happen has thrown my equilibrium off a bit. It's sort of like, I am happy living in the moment as long as I can expect the next moment. But not knowing the next is making me uncomfortable in the present. You know?

What a gift. Because we never really know the next moment. In an easy swoop, any anticipated future could change, we could cease to exist or our life as we know it could drastically change. We know this on an intellectual level but actually living it, at least in practice, seems to me to be a very valuable life skill. Just like with yoga, we practice being uncomfortable and being able to breathe and relax through it, I guess practicing to go and then not go and then let go is just another form of yoga. Slash life.

I worried all week about my schedule and rescheduling and figuring out what to do with this unexpected time. Today I painted my bathroom. What fun. I even put sunny sunshine faces all over it. I'm okay with this moment. I guess the next moment can come without my input. Lead the way Lord...I'll just follow.

Yoga... 10 years Later

I was thinking this morning about the instantaneous effect yoga brings. When you practice yoga for a very, very long time, your body/mind/spirit become used to tuning in to the present. It's like the minute you take that first conscious breath you go on autopilot. But it's not a foggy autopilot... it's a completely aware autopilot, it's hard to explain.

My practice begins. I turn my palms up, ready to receive. I take a deep breath, completely filling my lungs. Slowly I exhale, feeling my muscles instantly melting, letting go. My feet root to the ground. My crown chakra opens and light comes pouring in. I no longer have to think. I can completely trust, go on instinct, let the breath take control. It's a lovely place.

"Let's inhale up" I say. My arms raise joyously, thankfully... ahhh yoga.

Those first couple movements, those first couple breaths are so precious. It's like coming home to rest. Automatically I am led through an opening series. I'm ashamed to admit this but sometimes I forget anyone else is there. They remind me :) After the first couple movements I become focused, super aware of the needs of all in the room. Ahhh, hips today. Or shoulders.

Once we are warmed up, I get a tremendous burst of energy. I wander about, zeroing in on each person. With my regulars sometimes I just have to look... I say, "let's use that exhale to...." and 4 people lower their shoulders, smiling. I circle the newcomers, sensing whether they want to be touched or led and adjust them if they are open to it. Sometimes I just lay a hand on my yogis shoulders... I am there... all is well... and I love you.

Course the I isn't I by then. --insert tremendous look of gratitude here.

Usually by mid-point, the energy becomes contagious. Smiles get bigger. Gentle teasing ensues (usually my students teasing me LOL) Giggling becomes the sound that replaces the breath. Ahh, we are ready to balance. You can't be so serious if you want to balance. Think about it. If balance is a yin/yang opportunity, wouldn't it stand to reason that seriousness & laughter go hand in hand? There is a wealth of wisdom in that statement.

Depending on who is in the class, sometimes I let myself get lost in a balance. People struggle with balance so much. It makes some of them angry and hard on themselves. If they see other's such as myself balancing without effort, it makes them angry at me. I understand. I was there. We've all been there. It depends on them whether they are inspired or envious. Same with stretching. I have gone into a deep forward bend and had students exclaim that they hate me. I understand. But I didn't get there overnight. I say a quick prayer that they find the same joy and motivation to stick with it.

By the time we get to relaxation, my spirit is light. I am filled with love. I send healing energy and prayers to my students as they lay there. I feel maternal as I watch them rest. I put them all in a large hug of light and hope they find what they need and understand it may not be what they want. Ahhh yoga.

When people stick with it and actually "get it", it is one of the most beautiful joys in the world. I see it on their faces. And I watch it change their lives. At first this is scary. I understand. I was used to being in control, or so I thought. When I first started being "spacey" it was terrifying. How could I manage everything and still feel so... well... pleasant? The answer was I couldn't.

Thank God. Look where it brought me. Namaste'