"the rules"

When I was in the corporate world I was constantly being called to the principal's... oops I mean, department head's office.  I would alternately be praised, given promotions & bonus's for being innovative and taking risks or be called on the carpet for taking risks and not following the rules.  I found this confusing, albeit amusing.  It was like they wanted me to follow their rules but still somehow make the deals that required breaking the rules.  I'm not talking about real rules, I'm talking about the unspoken social rules of not standing out... following the crowd... not speaking the obvious... keeping secrets.  I SUCK at social rules.  Which is why I am a person that folks love to be around who scares them half to death.

It's a recurrent theme.  People are drawn to me cause they like my light and my fresh approach.  Then they want me to fit their mold.  When I don't, they want to control me.  Which brings out the worst in me.  I can't be anything other than what I am.  I've tried to fit the norm.  It ain't happening.  It makes me depressed and anxious and puts out my light.  Then I become like everyone else who is afraid to take risks, who won't take chances, who would rather stay on the path then create their own.

I could've been rich.  If I had buried my enthusiastic, rebellious, idealistic side I would have a ton of money.  I would be safe.  I wouldn't have the day to day not knowing if anyone is coming to my class or how I'm gonna get it all done and not be a crazy person.  I'd have a retirement plan and wear a business suit.  I probably wouldn't be able to actually use my retirement plan as I would've probably beaten myself to death with my briefcase.

I'm not saying the safe path is a bad one.  I think we all know our own limitations and what makes us thrive.  It's the disregard of what we "know" that causes problems.  If you know you would rather not put your energy into re-inventing the wheel, if your focus is on other things, then the safe path is a great choice.  If you know the safe path makes you feel stagnant then you create your own.  This is a very important life lesson.

Such a strange society we live in when enthusiasm is something to be contained.