Ahhh, I'm sitting in one of my top ten places in the world, watching the water go gently by, breathing deep. Perspective Place is what it really should be called. I've been here for a week, off and on by myself. I've never been anywhere by myself but home. It's very strange. I'm fine during the day, better than fine in fact, but nights have been a little tricky. So silly, I don't believe I have ever had a room to myself in my life. For 29 years I've had a man sleep right beside me-- closest to the door in case anyone tries to get in LOL. Prior to that I shared a room with a revolving door of cousins and of course, my dad was a big strong marine so I never was afraid of anything. It's weird to lay awake listening to the creaks and worry what they are. Ugh. I'm kinda mad at myself for being a silly ninny but it's given me time to really think about what it would be like to be alone.
I've decided that for all the craziness and noise and mess and inconvenience and having to share, I really prefer having my family and my husband. After the last couple months of not having one minute to myself, this was a good lesson to learn. I think every now and then you have to re-choose your choices so you can remind yourself why you chose them to begin with and commit to the fact that they ARE your choices. I'm a lucky woman who has made good choices, glad I got a chance to remember that. Plus, it's a heck of a lot more fun to kayak, go out to dinner, shop and walk on the beach with a friend than alone.
I've spent a lot of time stream of consciousness journaling, meditating by the water, writing in my gratitude journal, reading silly smut books, doing readings, sending and receiving Reiki, and listening to the Great Masters on audio since there is not a working TV here (yay!). I have Rhia's old laptop so computer use is more frustrating than productive and I'm pretty happy about that. Mostly I've listened to the quiet, found my spirit and settled into "me". No titles, nothing to do, nothing to be, no one to tell me who I am, just finding that small, still voice and breathing. I've realized how many voices have been clamoring in my head, loudest of all is that wretched ego one telling me all kinds of horrible things about me and everyone I know. I knew when I woke up this morning feeling love for everything and everyone that I had finally shut that bitch up. Oh, she'll keep trying to talk but I can just take the next breath and watch her dissolve.
Settling into the silence. Not trying to change anything. Just being. That's peace. Ahhh, shoulder's just dropped a little bit more. Barry comes in tonight, I think he'll be happy to find his wife is back.
Thanks D & D, Gramma & Jenny... the ducks, heron, deer, egrets, water and breeze have been a real life saver.
2 comments:
"Be still and know that I am God."
It is good to be still and listen to the Divine and hear the Love that is God.
Nice to see you are back again.
That "silliness" you felt alone at night is part of what makes divorce so exhausting. Who wants to go to bed and worry? I've gotten better at that and it doesn't even take so much wine anymore ;-)
I think being alone can be wonderful. I'm glad you found so many ways to enjoy it. What great friends you have! Having friends and family to rejoin make being alone peaceful.
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