On being real.

An Excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams:

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

When I start to get bogged down and tired of replaying the same old aggravations and insecurities, when I get down on myself and chastise myself for expecting perfection, I remember that I am real. I am real. My hair has turned gray, my eyes are dropping out and I am quite loose in my joints. Sometimes my heart feels a bit tired but never broke. Sometimes my spirit feels a little shabby, like the years have taken off the shine but when I spend some time with it, I find the light is still there. When I get a little ragged because the things that seem important to me are not important to those closest to me, I have to remember what's really important;  birth... life.... death... rebirth... Sa Ta Na Ma.

I say what I mean. I am who I am. I can't change how others feel about me, only myself. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Sometimes I choose suffering, but then I remember the Skin Horse. Wisdom is not easy, people may not always understand or 'get it' but the realness makes it worth it. I can't pretend to care any more than I can pretend I don't care.

This too shall pass.

Will it go round in circles???

I am sick. Again. I haven't been sick for years, ever since I stopped working for BTN (Bowie Therapeutic Nursery). Now, I don't work for BTN, but I work in the same building. Same rooms in fact. And although BTN and the CCPC Nursery School are gone... there's still little germ carriers in the building.  And they touch stuff everywhere.  And even worse, they are Co-op kids, which you would have to be a BTN or CCPCNS staffer to understand how awful that is.

See, the thing is, BTN & CCPCNS always had a teacher and an assistant teacher for every class.  The Co-op has a teacher.  And a parade of parent volunteer helpers.  So, essentially the teacher has to retrain her assistant every day.  Things don't always get done. Mostly the bathrooms.  Which are disgusting. And they let the little varmints touch all the windows and doors and our desk and ugh.  So, I'm sick. Again.

Now, I don't want to become one of those people.  You know, the OCD types.  I've already been accused of that due to my furniture/curtain moving escapades. But I HATE to be sick. I'm contemplating coming in each day with plastic gloves and a spray bottle of chlorox.  Which I'm sure can't be good for the environment.  But the amount of tissues I'm using can't be either. Sigh.

In other news, the Miller housecleanup is going swimmingly. We moved all the furniture because we got some new "pieces". (Hence the OCD comments) We bought 3 "pieces". I've never bought "pieces" of furniture before.  We've always had hand me downs or sets of cheap stuff.  The ironic thing is that the "pieces" weren't as expensive as our sets of cheap stuff.  We went to an antique store and found a great Victrola that doubles as my new closed up desk.  I had my eye on a gorgeous secretary style one from the 1800's but the dealer wouldn't play ball. So we went to Ikea. We got a new media stand and a dresser for less than half of what the secretary cost... and they are really nice! Maybe not as nice as the secretary but unless the secretary actually did my secretarial work for me, it really wasn't all that practical.

The minute we got the downstairs all done, more beautiful and functional than it ever has been in the 30 years we've lived here... Cory decides to clean his room. You would think one would rejoice at this news but Cory's way of cleaning is to take everything he owns out of his room and put it in Rhia's room (don't tell her!) and in the upstairs foyer.  He's quite proud of his room now. And assures us in his Cory way that he's gonna have a bonfire and that'll take care of the bulk of the stuff in her room. Which will never happen.  So, ultimately, Rhia will find out and come home and we'll put all the stuff back in his room.  Which will be a mess and be ALL OUR FAULT!

I've become addicted to stupid hidden object search games. AND I crashed my brand new laptop! (don't tell my CFO!) I don't think the 2 things are connected because apparently there's a mean Adobe virus going round.

Wonder if the Co-op is the one who spread it?

Taking Charge

9 days into the year and I'm feeling like I've gotten more done than I did in the 365 last year.  I know there was some Saturn/Mercury/Insert Excuse Here Retrograding going last year but it felt like I was trudging through sludge.  Now I'm dancing. More like hoisting...

I got a new laptop as a reward for my efforts last year which is entertaining because a large part of my effort consisted of trying to make my 10 year old PC talk to my bottom of the line laptop while trying to fit 20gb music into an 8gb ipod.  First world problems, I know, but when you are trying to run a business where music is a priority; it can be quite time consuming.  My newsletter won't run on my old browser... I can't print off my flyers so I have to mail them to myself... just a dozen time wasters that aren't on purpose, unlike the new mystery games I have discovered on my new laptop...

It was a bit cumbersome to move everything off each device onto one device that can actually take it but oh, what a relief to have everything in one place!  My cd drive didn't work in my old pc so I have cd's from a few years ago that I can actually put on my ipod now-- neither of my old computers had the capacity for my pictures so they were divided up between the 2 computers, a partitioned drive and cds, this new baby can put them all in one place, it's amazing. Plus, I don't have to worry about random people accidentally putting virus's on my computer because it has fingerprint technology, they can't get in without my finger! (which by the way, I had a horrible dream about the other night, yikes!)

Because I now have a laptop, I don't necessarily need a big desk so the big bonus here is that after 10 years I finally have a dining room again! Yes, the whole house is re-arranged because we took down the desk to put the dining room furniture in which created space throughout the whole house.  It's freaking amazing.  The house feels like a home instead of a built in apartment over my office.  Since we now have a lease at the studio, all my work stuff is gradually making it's way over there and once our lease is up at the other space we'll be able to put all our eggs in one basket... maybe. Life feels sooooooo much simpler.

I get that on the list of world problems, my inconveniences are WAY down but I do feel freer, we even had a dinner party with some of our close friends-- can't tell you the last time I did that.  I am planning to do that much more this year.  All in all, I have high hopes for 2012 and I feel like I can breathe a bit easier. 

Linda:  do not mess this up and find ways of filling the empty space!

Twas the week after Christmas...

Lots of thoughts swirling in my head, random snippets of next year I will's.  As in, next year I will stop and smell the roses.  Next year I will not be so ridiculous in my scheduling. Next year I will get my house organized. Next year I will earn enough money to let someone else clean it.  Next year I will get rid of anything that I am holding onto because of fear. Or obligation.  Next year I will only give cheerfully. Next year I will share my abundance.  Good or bad. 

Next year I will learn to nap. Or meditate regularly. Or both. Next year I will spend more alone time with God. And with my family. And with my friends. Next year I will accept what I cannot change. Next year I will accept no less than respect for myself. From myself.

Next year I will talk softer. And less. Next year I will be less suspicious. Next year if someone wants my coat, I will offer my shirt as well. Next year I will not worry, or anger needlessly over fear of not being able to do my job diligently. Next year I will practice what I preach. Even if it reduces my practice time.

Next year will be one of great joy. Next year will be bittersweet.  Next year I will learn about the pinnacle of happiness being twinged with the breath of letting go.  Next year I reflect on one chapter of my life closing... and another opening without holding onto the other, letting her fly. Next year I rest safe in the knowledge of a job well done and trust that I will always be welcomed in the heart of my workplace.

Next year holds the anticipation of my highest hopes and biggest dreams. Next year holds the mystery of the next mountain.  Next year we will plant the seeds from this year and let them bloom.

And so it is.

Dream? or Omen?

Last night I had another crazy dream. I was directing a play with 4000 kids-- It wasn't really 4000 but it really felt like it.  (maybe it was a memory?) We were doing Seussical, one of my favorite plays.  I didn't really know any of the kids, they weren't "my" kids but they were enthusiastic.  Melodie was with me-- my usual partner in theater crime-- and we were quite overwhelmed with it all.  The dream went very fast, casting, rehearsing and opening night were in a blink of an eye.  (ha ha, insert pun here)

I walk in Dodd's Hall and the audience is already there, I realize that we have no ushers, no one to stop them.  Kids are running around everywhere, eating (a cardinal NO in their costumes), they are running on the stage and through the crowd (another NO, you can't let the audience see you before the performance), I realize we have no backstage moms to corral them.  What a mess.  Mel and I decide to just go with it. Let the silly play go on, we'll figure it out later.

So we are sitting together opening night, I remember some of our old theater buddies coming in and being sort of embarrassed for them to see this play because we had slapped it together and didn't have the talent we were used to. We kept looking at each other with our Mel/Linda look, nervous but smiling and nodding.  Gratefully, the lights went down and the show started. We realize immediately that we had forgotten a very important part of the show:  SOUND.  No microphones, no body mikes, no overhead, no speakers, nothing.  We panic. "oh my gosh, how could we forget such a major part of theater?  it's been too long, we are out of practice, we shouldn't have done this..." But we decide we'll just call it a dress rehearsal and none will be the wiser.

Suddenly, we hear this odd voice coming from stage right.  "Who is that?" 
Melodie says, "oh yeah, remember it's that weird kid with the red hair, I can't remember his name" (again, a cardinal NO, we always know our kids really well by performance time)
I'm squinting trying to get a look at him... and I exclaim, "wait a minute, why is it so dark on stage?!!!!!

Yep, we forgot the other REALLY important part of theater:  LIGHT. I freak out, run out of the auditorium, run to the overhead light switches and flip them all on.  Only 3 work and they are over the audience and worse; I only catch the tale end of the last song of the first act! How could we go through the whole first act without realizing there's no LIGHT?

I'm running around in a total panic, "get me up on the bridge, I'll do the spotlights!!"
"you can't get up on the bridge, I sealed the hole to make an air vent"
"WHAT???"
"well grab a ladder and we'll put new overhead stage lights in"
"you can't, we lent the ladder to ____ and they won't come back for at least a month and besides, the congregation decided they were too bright, we like a dim light..."
"WHAT???"

Holy moly, I woke up in a sweat. What a nightmare!  I came downstairs to make coffee and it dawned on me that maybe it was a sign.  I've been really crazy busy this month and part of it has been because I've been trying to plan next year.  Trying to leave space in the calendar to do a play.  I REALLY miss doing plays.  Everyone tells me I'm crazy to try and fit it in.  I brush it off.

But SOUND? and LIGHTS? Kinda important.

Better make sure to get that covered first --(she says with a giggle)