What a crazy whirlwind. But I think I got it all figured out. All the hoopla la la was simply a distraction. Isn't it always? The more I could be driven to distraction by crazy ups and downs, the less I would think about my surgery tomorrow. Sort of like that last year of high school when your kid is behaving so badly college doesn't seem like it could be far enough away.
So tomorrow at 6:50am I embark upon a enforced vacation. It's kind of weird to think that I'm electing to be cut open and possibly be in pain and/or sick. Feels unnatural to sign forms that say, oh yes, please cut me open and remove that silly old body part that's not working anyway.
I woke up this morning breathing heavy from a bad dream. I dreamt I went to the hospital for my surgery and they said they couldn't take the gallbladder til I took a stress test. I had to ride on a bike to show that I was fit. I had no problem doing it and they put me on the table for the surgery. As the anesthesiologist is putting me under, the doctor tells me I have to have heart surgery while they are at it cause I flunked the stress test. I woke up yelling, "are you KIDDING me? what's next?"
Crazy things, dreams. Then I get my daily message from God:
On this day of your life, Linda, I believe God wants you to know...
...that there is a family reunion awaiting you, and you will be more overjoyed than you can now begin to imagine.
On the day you leave your body -- what I like to call your Continuation Day -- you will be greeted by everyone you have ever loved in any way for any reason...and, standing in front of the group, every person who has been so very dear to you. It will be a grand and glorious reunion, with joy and laughter and pure wonderment filling every heart and soul!
This has also been experienced by everyone who has ever left here -- all those who have gone before you -- of course. So do not grieve for them. They are so very happy! I'm not sure why you were meant to hear this on this particular day...but I bet you are...
Ummm... WTH? You ever think God just has the greatest sense of humor ever? Like, stroking His beard chuckling, "oh that Linda, she thinks she's so in control, so great with that Reiki energy stuff... let's mess with her a bit... she can take it" Sigh.
I'm ready to go to quiet time mode. No decisions, no talking, no thinking... just blissful no-thingness. Hope I don't throw up. Just sayin'
TTYS,L
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
My Muse
The other day I read something, somewhere about someone and their muse. I remember thinking, "hmmm, do I have a muse? Why don't they talk to me?" I was not amused. Ba Dum Dum! Ching! I'll be here all night!
Things are moving rapidly in my world. I'm getting to really understand holding to the center while around me life is spinning crazily, personally... professionally.. and globally. Crazy times. Exciting times. Feel like all the practice, all the studying, all the wisdom is being put to the test. My BFF said to me yesterday, "after so many hours doing so much in so many places, why would you stop now? Everything has led to this point... here it is, what you've been dreaming of." She's so right. Do you think she's my muse? Or my daughter, who has suddenly become so wise... showing me things that I am not seeing, who is really my friend... and who isn't? Helping soothe my hurt feelings... Is she my muse?
My other BFF, my husband, has been constantly sending me Reiki... sometimes I start to feel warm and I look over on the couch and he's got one hand up, smiling... "Oh, you felt that?" He's so cute, learning to use his new found Reiki gift to help heal his wifey, the Reiki Master... it's wild. My head spins when I start to realize all the events that have led to this time and all the specifics that had to fall into place for everyone to be where they need to be for everything that is to happen... I have to stop and take a full belly breath to absorb the magnitude of that. Is the breath the muse? Or my husband? Or the Reiki?
I can't believe the support system I have. I never knew it was there. I mean, I guess I always thought I was the support system (how egotistical is THAT?) I mean, I always thought that it was my job to help others... and knew that there were many, many kind souls helping me to help others, teaching me and believing in me but I never realized how much they have been holding me up. As I begin to leap... or fall back.. many hands are there to catch me. It brings tears to my eyes just absorbing that fact. So many souls offering to bring me food, offering help and prayers during my surgery... I am blown away.
But the Muse.... ahhh, the Muse has the biggest hands of all. My partner, the lady I respect most and am joining in a venture that will change both of our lives forever, who is as terrified and excited as I, said, "there are times when I get overwhelmed and want to curl up in a ball and hide, but then I think, hey, we're like the blues brothers here... we're on a Mission from God! How can we fail?" Ahhhh, God. The real Muse. Working through me, through everyone with a dream, through everyone overcoming obstacles, through everyone working for change, for peace, for the highest intentions of the highest good.
I bow my head in gratitude. All shall be well.
Things are moving rapidly in my world. I'm getting to really understand holding to the center while around me life is spinning crazily, personally... professionally.. and globally. Crazy times. Exciting times. Feel like all the practice, all the studying, all the wisdom is being put to the test. My BFF said to me yesterday, "after so many hours doing so much in so many places, why would you stop now? Everything has led to this point... here it is, what you've been dreaming of." She's so right. Do you think she's my muse? Or my daughter, who has suddenly become so wise... showing me things that I am not seeing, who is really my friend... and who isn't? Helping soothe my hurt feelings... Is she my muse?
My other BFF, my husband, has been constantly sending me Reiki... sometimes I start to feel warm and I look over on the couch and he's got one hand up, smiling... "Oh, you felt that?" He's so cute, learning to use his new found Reiki gift to help heal his wifey, the Reiki Master... it's wild. My head spins when I start to realize all the events that have led to this time and all the specifics that had to fall into place for everyone to be where they need to be for everything that is to happen... I have to stop and take a full belly breath to absorb the magnitude of that. Is the breath the muse? Or my husband? Or the Reiki?
I can't believe the support system I have. I never knew it was there. I mean, I guess I always thought I was the support system (how egotistical is THAT?) I mean, I always thought that it was my job to help others... and knew that there were many, many kind souls helping me to help others, teaching me and believing in me but I never realized how much they have been holding me up. As I begin to leap... or fall back.. many hands are there to catch me. It brings tears to my eyes just absorbing that fact. So many souls offering to bring me food, offering help and prayers during my surgery... I am blown away.
But the Muse.... ahhh, the Muse has the biggest hands of all. My partner, the lady I respect most and am joining in a venture that will change both of our lives forever, who is as terrified and excited as I, said, "there are times when I get overwhelmed and want to curl up in a ball and hide, but then I think, hey, we're like the blues brothers here... we're on a Mission from God! How can we fail?" Ahhhh, God. The real Muse. Working through me, through everyone with a dream, through everyone overcoming obstacles, through everyone working for change, for peace, for the highest intentions of the highest good.
I bow my head in gratitude. All shall be well.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Cracking Myself Up.
I totally lost it in yoga class this morning. Just started giggling and couldn't stop. It felt SO good! Now, my students might have seen it different... but I am blessed with wonderful souls who don't mind me indulging myself now and then.
I'm still chuckling. The class was moving through a really tough sequence that ended in half moon:
I'm still chuckling. The class was moving through a really tough sequence that ended in half moon:
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| www.zazzle.com/halfmoon_ |
Folks were getting tired. Some were having trouble balancing. I began getting those "sheesh Linna, enough already, can't we lay down?" glares. Half moon tends to bring that out. So as I'm going around adjusting and soothing, I am talking "now, don't take yourself so seriously here, even if you just raise your back leg a bit... or open your rib cage a bit more to the beautiful sky.. or take a deep breath and feel the pose, only for a moment it really doesn't matter if you fall out... I mean, really, we've all fallen out of this pose, right Ladies? Let's see, if you've fallen out of this pose RAISE YOUR HAND..."
Hahhahahahahaha. Get it?
They all already had their paw... I mean hand raised. So everyone in the room had their hand raised. LOL! I started laughing out loud. I started snorting and guffawing. I folded over and slapped my knee. "Raise your hand!" Hahahaha.
Yoga humor is funnier in the moment. For some. Most of my students were trying hard not to laugh AT me... and not succeeding. Their "enough Linna" glares turned to indulgent "Linna is nuts" sideway glances at each other.
I love yoga. I think yoga is funny. I think its enlightening and spiritual and life affirming and health restoring too. After all the latest business with my health issues, my yoga practice has become a lifeline and my deepest joy. Nothing makes you feel better faster than a wide open half moon....
I think I'll stop there. Before I start making silly 12 year old jokes...
Namaste' dawgs.
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Going Public
Okay. Well. I am now ready to say out loud my diagnosis.
Here's me sitting up tall believing in the power of change and the beauty of my self... not letting my ego make me feel bad about something I cannot do anything about now...
No, no, no I can't do it... I can't say it out loud... what will people think?
Dude, who cares?
Okay. Here it is. I have gallstones. And kidney stones. And horrible misconceptions about who gets them. And worse, horrible thoughts about being exempt and above it all. Oh the shame. What kind of yogi am I?
A human one.
Someone who gets to keep learning deeper lessons about herself. Yep. I somehow thought that I could eat whatever I wanted, drink :( whatever and whenever I wanted and get closer to 50 and would never have any of the normal stuff that I treat others for all the time. What a shock. I have GALLSTONES? The horror! What a horrible name-- the GALL of it all. Ugh. And kidney stones? Seriously? Where the heck did this all come from? And what the heck does it all mean? Metaphorically of course.
So first I'm belligerent-- how can a quasi-vegetarian have gallstones? Do you know how much yoga I teach? And Wait-- I'm a Reiki Master... don't I get an exemption? Oh what a silly girl I am. Then, I'm terrified-- what do you mean I need a surgeon??? What if I can't WORK? What if I become.....shudder... old? Is this what 50 is? I was loving my crone-atude.... looking forward to it all... wisdom... freedom... gallstones? Lordy and oh no... and then I'm embarrassed. How dare I feel sorry for myself when so many others have so much worse to deal with? What right do I have to freak out? I had a good 50 years, how dare I complain? Or whine? Or be scared? I'm a healer.... I don't want to be the healee.... but here it is. And I want to curl up in a little ball... and go away... and never let anyone know that I need...
Help. Help. Help... Little by little I start to say it...feeling ashamed that this time it's me, not really sure the words are coming from my lips... Am I going to be okay?
Have I ever mentioned that I am the luckiest woman on earth? I open my heart and even through my silliness, my beautiful Calvary comes. Never judging me... even though they have every right. Holding me up, telling me it's gonna be okay, offering support, letting me know what to expect, what they went through and mostly, that they don't expect me to be immortal and perfect. That once again, I am loved not because of what I give them... but because they love me.
Whew. And thanks. I needed that. I'm going to be okay. No matter what. I could really feel all the prayers and energy being sent my way... which makes me realize that what I do is really more powerful than I have ever known. It was a good lesson.
Going to the surgeon tomorrow. Breathing and calm. Much better.
Love & Peace, L
Here's me sitting up tall believing in the power of change and the beauty of my self... not letting my ego make me feel bad about something I cannot do anything about now...
No, no, no I can't do it... I can't say it out loud... what will people think?
Dude, who cares?
Okay. Here it is. I have gallstones. And kidney stones. And horrible misconceptions about who gets them. And worse, horrible thoughts about being exempt and above it all. Oh the shame. What kind of yogi am I?
A human one.
Someone who gets to keep learning deeper lessons about herself. Yep. I somehow thought that I could eat whatever I wanted, drink :( whatever and whenever I wanted and get closer to 50 and would never have any of the normal stuff that I treat others for all the time. What a shock. I have GALLSTONES? The horror! What a horrible name-- the GALL of it all. Ugh. And kidney stones? Seriously? Where the heck did this all come from? And what the heck does it all mean? Metaphorically of course.
So first I'm belligerent-- how can a quasi-vegetarian have gallstones? Do you know how much yoga I teach? And Wait-- I'm a Reiki Master... don't I get an exemption? Oh what a silly girl I am. Then, I'm terrified-- what do you mean I need a surgeon??? What if I can't WORK? What if I become.....shudder... old? Is this what 50 is? I was loving my crone-atude.... looking forward to it all... wisdom... freedom... gallstones? Lordy and oh no... and then I'm embarrassed. How dare I feel sorry for myself when so many others have so much worse to deal with? What right do I have to freak out? I had a good 50 years, how dare I complain? Or whine? Or be scared? I'm a healer.... I don't want to be the healee.... but here it is. And I want to curl up in a little ball... and go away... and never let anyone know that I need...
Help. Help. Help... Little by little I start to say it...feeling ashamed that this time it's me, not really sure the words are coming from my lips... Am I going to be okay?
Have I ever mentioned that I am the luckiest woman on earth? I open my heart and even through my silliness, my beautiful Calvary comes. Never judging me... even though they have every right. Holding me up, telling me it's gonna be okay, offering support, letting me know what to expect, what they went through and mostly, that they don't expect me to be immortal and perfect. That once again, I am loved not because of what I give them... but because they love me.
Whew. And thanks. I needed that. I'm going to be okay. No matter what. I could really feel all the prayers and energy being sent my way... which makes me realize that what I do is really more powerful than I have ever known. It was a good lesson.
Going to the surgeon tomorrow. Breathing and calm. Much better.
Love & Peace, L
Thursday, September 02, 2010
bleecccchhhh.
I am sitting here drinking a berry smoothie. Sounds yummy, right? Unless you read the words under the title: Readi-Cat 2 Barium Sulfate Suspension. I'm sure it's not organic. It doesn't taste that bad, just sort of blecchhy once you swallow. I have to go get a CT Scan cause I have a stupid stomach pain that refuses to go away. And it's at that stupid place that makes doctors and husbands think you need to take care of it in case it might be appendicitis. Which, as I keep telling them, I am way too old for. But then the doc starts mentioning all kinds of other itis's that seem extremely unpleasant. So fine. I'll go. But I think it's probably a waste of time. And I'm not overly thrilled with the side effects of this "smoothie". I think I'm beginning to actually understand the words my churning stomach is screaming at me. Like, "what the heck are you sending down here? that stuff is NASTY! let's see if we can get it out of here real quick!" If you know what I mean.
The worst is that I am worrying my friends and family. I'm the healer, the one who loves to take care of everyone else. I HATE being sick and having people worry about me. And then I realize how ridiculous that is. And I feel bad for even complaining at all. Other folks have this as their daily life. I have this isolated incident and become grumpy and petulant. And in denial. And irritated. Sorry, sorry, sorry!
Anyways, I have finished my second bottle of berry smoothie and can now get ready to go relax in a large metal drum. And be thankful that this is just a blip in my life and that soon it will pass.
No 10 year old jokes please.
And don't worry!
The worst is that I am worrying my friends and family. I'm the healer, the one who loves to take care of everyone else. I HATE being sick and having people worry about me. And then I realize how ridiculous that is. And I feel bad for even complaining at all. Other folks have this as their daily life. I have this isolated incident and become grumpy and petulant. And in denial. And irritated. Sorry, sorry, sorry!
Anyways, I have finished my second bottle of berry smoothie and can now get ready to go relax in a large metal drum. And be thankful that this is just a blip in my life and that soon it will pass.
No 10 year old jokes please.
And don't worry!
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