Okay. Well. I am now ready to say out loud my diagnosis.
Here's me sitting up tall believing in the power of change and the beauty of my self... not letting my ego make me feel bad about something I cannot do anything about now...
No, no, no I can't do it... I can't say it out loud... what will people think?
Dude, who cares?
Okay. Here it is. I have gallstones. And kidney stones. And horrible misconceptions about who gets them. And worse, horrible thoughts about being exempt and above it all. Oh the shame. What kind of yogi am I?
A human one.
Someone who gets to keep learning deeper lessons about herself. Yep. I somehow thought that I could eat whatever I wanted, drink :( whatever and whenever I wanted and get closer to 50 and would never have any of the normal stuff that I treat others for all the time. What a shock. I have GALLSTONES? The horror! What a horrible name-- the GALL of it all. Ugh. And kidney stones? Seriously? Where the heck did this all come from? And what the heck does it all mean? Metaphorically of course.
So first I'm belligerent-- how can a quasi-vegetarian have gallstones? Do you know how much yoga I teach? And Wait-- I'm a Reiki Master... don't I get an exemption? Oh what a silly girl I am. Then, I'm terrified-- what do you mean I need a surgeon??? What if I can't WORK? What if I become.....shudder... old? Is this what 50 is? I was loving my crone-atude.... looking forward to it all... wisdom... freedom... gallstones? Lordy and oh no... and then I'm embarrassed. How dare I feel sorry for myself when so many others have so much worse to deal with? What right do I have to freak out? I had a good 50 years, how dare I complain? Or whine? Or be scared? I'm a healer.... I don't want to be the healee.... but here it is. And I want to curl up in a little ball... and go away... and never let anyone know that I need...
Help. Help. Help... Little by little I start to say it...feeling ashamed that this time it's me, not really sure the words are coming from my lips... Am I going to be okay?
Have I ever mentioned that I am the luckiest woman on earth? I open my heart and even through my silliness, my beautiful Calvary comes. Never judging me... even though they have every right. Holding me up, telling me it's gonna be okay, offering support, letting me know what to expect, what they went through and mostly, that they don't expect me to be immortal and perfect. That once again, I am loved not because of what I give them... but because they love me.
Whew. And thanks. I needed that. I'm going to be okay. No matter what. I could really feel all the prayers and energy being sent my way... which makes me realize that what I do is really more powerful than I have ever known. It was a good lesson.
Going to the surgeon tomorrow. Breathing and calm. Much better.
Love & Peace, L
2 comments:
Learning that we are just mortal humans with imperfect bodies is a hard lesson. It is hard to let others do what you want to do but can't do. Valuable lesson. Let the people who love you give to you. Learning to be a grateful receiver is a blessing. Relax, breathe and soon you will be back to normal. I'll be sending you energy and love.
I felt the same way when I was told I needed to take high blood pressure medicine. Me? I exercise! I practice yoga! I eat my veggies and drink red wine! Me?
Yup. It'll be tough, but you'll be better than ever when you're done.
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