Well, seems as if this week has been all about confronting my personal truths. Like:
I don't mind getting old. I really enjoy the wisdom it brings.
Needs to change to:
I don't mind getting old as long as I can still move as quick as when I was young and don't have any pain or "issues" of aging.
Ugh. My back. I am a really bad "patient". I have no patience for it. And I complain and get pissed off about it. For all my preaching about problems being opportunities for growth and learning to bear what you have to with grace and dignity, I would really prefer to choose when, where and how long my opportunity exists.
I just don't get it. I believe that pain and illness can sometimes be a indicator or metaphor for things you need to learn in life. For example, if you have a pain in the neck, chances are you have someone in your life who is a pain in the neck. Deal with them and the pain goes away. Shoulder pain comes from "shouldering" too much responsibility. Knee issues come from not having your needs met, get it? K-nee-ds. I also believe that there are never any real rules so don't write me and tell me the theory is wrong. Chaos theory always over-rides any other theory, that's the only real rule. We're not supposed to know everything....
But anyway, according to the body metaphor charts, my problem(s )are telling me:
Lower back is all about support and flexibility, a pulled muscle is indicating being overwhelmed, straining, feeling not good enough. Acute Pain means pay attention now!, Itching (I have a daggone scalp eruption happening at the same time) is about trying, struggling, confused and the hot flashes are about fear. The injury is on my right side so it represents yang (male) energy.
Wow. But here's the thing. I had none of those problems until I hurt my freaking back! And then, Hell Yeah, I'm worried about my flexibility and feeling overwhelmed and paying attention! I AM confused about my stupid scalp and I have to admit to having some fear that I will incinerate during a hot flash.
Sigh. It makes me a bit grumpy to be in pain. And then it makes me feel bad because I know many, many people who live with pain their whole life. So then I feel like I suck cause I complain so much. But I really kinda have alot going on right now that I really need to take care of.
Perhaps that's the real message.
Unless you can come up with some other theory that doesn't require me to think that the world can revolve without my important self.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
The time has come the walrus said....
Had an interesting morning. Went to meet with a yoga student who happens to own a dance studio. She had asked me a few months ago whether I'd be interested in teaching yoga in her studio. Remembering the Slim and Tone year of ugh, I had been really reluctant to even consider it so I have been putting her off. And putting her off.
Finally agreed to meet with her, after stewing about not wanting to work any harder and wanting my own center and what not. Hurt my back really bad yesterday (when will I learn to not show people what not to do?), went to the chiropractor who made it worse, was up all night writhing in pain, thought about canceling but felt really bad since I'd put her off for so long so I went.
Duh. It was beautiful.
Duh. I need to start expanding my horizons.
Duh. It is time to move on and stop procrastinating.
I'm not getting any younger you know. The only way to truly realize my potential is to get on with it. Time to stop stagnating.
It's a neat set up because there are other like minded souls there. An acupuncturist, a chiropractor, a financial analyst (not sure how that fits but whatever, Lord knows I could use the help) We can all help one another. And dancers! You may not know this but I love to dance---biggest disappointment of my life was being too short to be a Rockette....
So I'm kinda stoked. Is this it? Is this the start? It's a great place to do Reiki and private classes and it's also a neat complement to my other places. It's smaller and more intimate than World Gym and it has walls and mirrors for my CCPC folks to actually SEE their poses. It's got a little something for everyone.
And it's got windows with blinds that open from the top so you can see the tree tops. That's what sold me....geek that I am LOL!
So now the question is.... What took me so long? I have a really good feeling about this.
If I could just get over the back thing and the sweating thing....errgh.
Finally agreed to meet with her, after stewing about not wanting to work any harder and wanting my own center and what not. Hurt my back really bad yesterday (when will I learn to not show people what not to do?), went to the chiropractor who made it worse, was up all night writhing in pain, thought about canceling but felt really bad since I'd put her off for so long so I went.
Duh. It was beautiful.
Duh. I need to start expanding my horizons.
Duh. It is time to move on and stop procrastinating.
I'm not getting any younger you know. The only way to truly realize my potential is to get on with it. Time to stop stagnating.
It's a neat set up because there are other like minded souls there. An acupuncturist, a chiropractor, a financial analyst (not sure how that fits but whatever, Lord knows I could use the help) We can all help one another. And dancers! You may not know this but I love to dance---biggest disappointment of my life was being too short to be a Rockette....
So I'm kinda stoked. Is this it? Is this the start? It's a great place to do Reiki and private classes and it's also a neat complement to my other places. It's smaller and more intimate than World Gym and it has walls and mirrors for my CCPC folks to actually SEE their poses. It's got a little something for everyone.
And it's got windows with blinds that open from the top so you can see the tree tops. That's what sold me....geek that I am LOL!
So now the question is.... What took me so long? I have a really good feeling about this.
If I could just get over the back thing and the sweating thing....errgh.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Sometimes it amazes me how happy I am. Considering where I come from, WHAT I come from, where I've been, what I've seen, it's a pretty impressive feat to feel the joy I do. It can only be attributed to grace. And maybe some luck. Hmmm, luck and grace, same thing? Not really.
"Tis grace that brought me safe thus far...."
Happiness and satisfaction are different things. We all can see room for improvement in our lives, in ourselves, in those around us, in our choices. That's a necessary thing, otherwise, we would not grow, we would not make the changes we need to make to become who we are. And I think you can be temporarily satisfied fairly easily but long term happiness comes from inside. You cannot create happiness. You can get things out of the way so you can feel it but you can't MAKE it happen.
The Dalai Lama said "Happiness IS our natural state, our purpose in life is to be happy"
I remember when I read that the first time years ago. I was appalled. I come from a land of "whoever is the most miserable wins". Trouble equals attention. Happiness feels weird and means it's your job to take care of all the misery. In Christianity we are taught that it's all about suffering and then we get to add that big ole guilt trip of Jesus suffering and dying for our sins and how we need to be remorseful and pay penance. It is bad to feel good. We must suffer. Because life just isn't miserable enough on it's own.
Zen philosophy has a saying, "Why lay your head on a rock when a pillow is nearby?"
If Jesus died for our sins, why would he want us to continue suffering? Isn't the whole goal that we feed His sheep? And when you do that, doesn't it make you HAPPY? Mmmmm. Why do we pretend and create hardship when we have all we need already?
We don't meditate to find answers. The answers are already there. We meditate to uncover them. We spend our whole lives being conditioned, we are taught what to feel, what to say, how to act, what is right, what is wrong, who to hate, who to love. Everything we believe to be true has been told to us by others. In books, on TV, in our homes. It becomes impossible to hear that "small still voice". We have to learn to let go of all the other voices, even our own.
So we begin the process of dropping. Every thought that comes up, we drop. We let it go, we do not attach it to us, we wait. It can take years. God doesn't speak in words.
One day we get a glimpse. And "ten thousand doors" open all at once. And we continue dropping. LOL...kinda like when you get tree for the first time and you get so excited that you fall over. And then you have to get over the excitement.....
As time goes on and I have dedicated myself to this truth pilgrimage and have learned to slowly continue to let go of all my conditioning, I have seen the glimpse.
The glimpse is happiness. And when you stop looking it's there.
Amazing.
"Tis grace that brought me safe thus far...."
Happiness and satisfaction are different things. We all can see room for improvement in our lives, in ourselves, in those around us, in our choices. That's a necessary thing, otherwise, we would not grow, we would not make the changes we need to make to become who we are. And I think you can be temporarily satisfied fairly easily but long term happiness comes from inside. You cannot create happiness. You can get things out of the way so you can feel it but you can't MAKE it happen.
The Dalai Lama said "Happiness IS our natural state, our purpose in life is to be happy"
I remember when I read that the first time years ago. I was appalled. I come from a land of "whoever is the most miserable wins". Trouble equals attention. Happiness feels weird and means it's your job to take care of all the misery. In Christianity we are taught that it's all about suffering and then we get to add that big ole guilt trip of Jesus suffering and dying for our sins and how we need to be remorseful and pay penance. It is bad to feel good. We must suffer. Because life just isn't miserable enough on it's own.
Zen philosophy has a saying, "Why lay your head on a rock when a pillow is nearby?"
If Jesus died for our sins, why would he want us to continue suffering? Isn't the whole goal that we feed His sheep? And when you do that, doesn't it make you HAPPY? Mmmmm. Why do we pretend and create hardship when we have all we need already?
We don't meditate to find answers. The answers are already there. We meditate to uncover them. We spend our whole lives being conditioned, we are taught what to feel, what to say, how to act, what is right, what is wrong, who to hate, who to love. Everything we believe to be true has been told to us by others. In books, on TV, in our homes. It becomes impossible to hear that "small still voice". We have to learn to let go of all the other voices, even our own.
So we begin the process of dropping. Every thought that comes up, we drop. We let it go, we do not attach it to us, we wait. It can take years. God doesn't speak in words.
One day we get a glimpse. And "ten thousand doors" open all at once. And we continue dropping. LOL...kinda like when you get tree for the first time and you get so excited that you fall over. And then you have to get over the excitement.....
As time goes on and I have dedicated myself to this truth pilgrimage and have learned to slowly continue to let go of all my conditioning, I have seen the glimpse.
The glimpse is happiness. And when you stop looking it's there.
Amazing.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Happy Fahza's Day!
Barry and I have been experiencing old people syndrome this weekend. My back and scalp are a mess. His teeth and pysche are icky. We're just kinda falling apart. Don't ask, we refuse to be "those" old people who tell you every detail of their ickiness, just suffice to say it's icky. Although, I do have to say I'm kinda freaking out about the whole not being able to dye my hair right now thing.....and the hot flashes FOR GOD SAKES MAN WHEN DO THEY STOP!!!!!!!!
Anyway, we ended up trying to "treat" one another's issues yesterday. He gave me a massage for my back and I gave him a Reiki for his issues. We put the table up in the back yard, it was really quite nice. We actually thought it was pretty funny, us baby boomers and our new age "cures". Funny thing is, we both did feel better today :) I don't care if you think it's placebo....whatever works.
We are getting ready for vacation and all of us are very excited. We went out last night and bought special surprises for our friends who are going with us but since some of them actually read this, I can't tell you what they are but we had a ton of fun planning, I'll fill you in later. We've never gone on vacation with friends for any length of time so this will be an experience, I'm sure. Plus, we really love these guys so it should be a trip. Literally. I just can't wait to sit on the beach and feel the breeze and smell the surf...I need it. I need it really bad.
Had a marvelous chat on Friday morning. I'm really thinking that's going to be an every week thing. Friday afternoons, come chat at my house, weather permitting, in my back yard. Just a bit of heaven, really connecting with an amazing person, we all must spend more time doing that and less time not doing it.
I'm kinda in a crossroads. Should I do more? Should I switch? What predicaments. I just really want my own spiritual center, is that so wrong? A place you can go and be quiet and chill and learn and be healed and meet other people with the same goals and desires, where people are kind and actually care....sigh. Will it ever happen? And how hard do I have to work to make it happen?
Moral of the story:
Don't drink wine and blog. You really don't make much sense. And the whole continuity thing sucks.
Happy Father's Day one and all....
Anyway, we ended up trying to "treat" one another's issues yesterday. He gave me a massage for my back and I gave him a Reiki for his issues. We put the table up in the back yard, it was really quite nice. We actually thought it was pretty funny, us baby boomers and our new age "cures". Funny thing is, we both did feel better today :) I don't care if you think it's placebo....whatever works.
We are getting ready for vacation and all of us are very excited. We went out last night and bought special surprises for our friends who are going with us but since some of them actually read this, I can't tell you what they are but we had a ton of fun planning, I'll fill you in later. We've never gone on vacation with friends for any length of time so this will be an experience, I'm sure. Plus, we really love these guys so it should be a trip. Literally. I just can't wait to sit on the beach and feel the breeze and smell the surf...I need it. I need it really bad.
Had a marvelous chat on Friday morning. I'm really thinking that's going to be an every week thing. Friday afternoons, come chat at my house, weather permitting, in my back yard. Just a bit of heaven, really connecting with an amazing person, we all must spend more time doing that and less time not doing it.
I'm kinda in a crossroads. Should I do more? Should I switch? What predicaments. I just really want my own spiritual center, is that so wrong? A place you can go and be quiet and chill and learn and be healed and meet other people with the same goals and desires, where people are kind and actually care....sigh. Will it ever happen? And how hard do I have to work to make it happen?
Moral of the story:
Don't drink wine and blog. You really don't make much sense. And the whole continuity thing sucks.
Happy Father's Day one and all....
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Mixed Emotions of The Trip
Elation: Jersey Boys was awesome!!! What a great show! And I never really cared for Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, way too pop and sap, in my opinion. But wow. The voices, the sets, the lights, the story, I laughed, I cried, I danced, it was amazing.
Distress: Ummm. Times Square. Yoga Teachers and Times Square, bad combination. I don't get how you can focus on anything there, with so much going on. And I wouldn't have minded it so much if I hadn't seen a young boy almost killed because he didn't make through the cross walk quite in time and a cab refused to stop. No lie. First of many. I was terrified crossing the street. My daughter and later my husband, acted like there was something wrong with me because I thought that was really bad form. The whole reaction is "yep, that's New York" like it's some major survival adventure and supposed to be acceptable and fun. Give me Mount Everest any day...at least there's air.
And I am not even going to try and understand "The Naked Cowboy". Ewww.
Pain: Sitting all day. Ugh. Thought I would lose my mind (and the nerves in my butt)
Irritation: Everything felt very small and closed in everywhere. Felt like Bertha Big Butt trying to maneuver down the street, in the bus, at the theater, the restaurant, just really needed to fling my arms open wide and do warrior....
And witnessing a posse in action was pretty annoying as well.
Disgust: The food.
Joy: Watching my daughter have fun with her mentor, Christa. Seeing how mature my daughter has become as she led me around, being the grown up to her sissy mom. Seeing the sparkle in her eyes during the show. And as she played BINGO---what a dork LOL! Seeing the silliness and closeness of my friend and her daughter.
More Joy: Coming home. My Bed. My House. My Family. AND the fact that I don't have to work til 7pm.
Sadness: The realization that I have lost a friend.
Would I do it again? I would love to see the show again or another show but I would rather be beamed there. Could you arrange that, Scotty?
Distress: Ummm. Times Square. Yoga Teachers and Times Square, bad combination. I don't get how you can focus on anything there, with so much going on. And I wouldn't have minded it so much if I hadn't seen a young boy almost killed because he didn't make through the cross walk quite in time and a cab refused to stop. No lie. First of many. I was terrified crossing the street. My daughter and later my husband, acted like there was something wrong with me because I thought that was really bad form. The whole reaction is "yep, that's New York" like it's some major survival adventure and supposed to be acceptable and fun. Give me Mount Everest any day...at least there's air.
And I am not even going to try and understand "The Naked Cowboy". Ewww.
Pain: Sitting all day. Ugh. Thought I would lose my mind (and the nerves in my butt)
Irritation: Everything felt very small and closed in everywhere. Felt like Bertha Big Butt trying to maneuver down the street, in the bus, at the theater, the restaurant, just really needed to fling my arms open wide and do warrior....
And witnessing a posse in action was pretty annoying as well.
Disgust: The food.
Joy: Watching my daughter have fun with her mentor, Christa. Seeing how mature my daughter has become as she led me around, being the grown up to her sissy mom. Seeing the sparkle in her eyes during the show. And as she played BINGO---what a dork LOL! Seeing the silliness and closeness of my friend and her daughter.
More Joy: Coming home. My Bed. My House. My Family. AND the fact that I don't have to work til 7pm.
Sadness: The realization that I have lost a friend.
Would I do it again? I would love to see the show again or another show but I would rather be beamed there. Could you arrange that, Scotty?
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