Ahhh Time!

Heh heh, time is a wonderful thing.

I made a website. http://mysite.verizon.net/vze3hvnp

It's pretty amazing what you can do if you have the mind....ooops, I mean the time.

Heh, heh.

Healing

On the bulkhead around my kitchen, my husband and I have written favorite quotes and silly sayings we have come across in our 26 years together. One of them is from a little restaurant we used to hang out at called El Toritos. Around the bar it said, "I feel more like I do now than I did when I first got here." We used to sit around this bar with our friends and try and figure out what it really meant. We would change the emphasis on different words as if that would change the meaning, "I FEEL more like I do now" "I feel more like I do NOW, than I DID when" "I feel more LIKE I do now" on and on we would try and comprehend what it really meant. Of course, after a few margaritas it would just dissolve into complete silliness.

Sometimes we lose ourselves. We get caught up in drama and persecutions, real or imagined. We have the person inside that we are and we have the person outside that we are afraid we are. We walk around with big exclamation marks in our heads, feeling as if we are under attack and the more we try and defend ourselves, the more we lose ourselves.

Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner. Tao 9

Today I harvested my herbs. The wind was blustery, I am covered with the smell of rosemary, pineapple mint, oregano, thyme and lavender. I am filled with anticipation of the things I can make and give away. I am giddy at the prospect of having time to create what I want to create. I am a cheerful giver once again.

I feel more like I do now, than I did when I first got here.

Wow

It just keeps getting worse and worse. Man, am I getting a message from the Universe or What?

all that matters is the blame......

Into the Woods

Welp, another play is finished. Very bittersweet, this one. I had what I thought was a terrific idea (and I still do) and decided we could do 2 casts, one younger and one older. The older could teach the younger so the little guys would have a mentor and the older could discover their inner nurturer. In some cases that worked. In others it didn't. The play was awesome. The children, old and young, had a wonderful time. They learned so much and really developed some nice self confidence along the way. We made some great new friends and got to spend some joyous time with old ones.

I think I may be done. I cried all afternoon. I just don't know if I can keep doing this. I love the plays, I love the children, I love the parents who volunteer their precious time. I just cannot deal with the ugliness surrounding it. I just don't think I can keep going to a place where there are people who want things like this to fail because it didn't meet their agenda. I am so sad. I feel like everything I know to be true is wrong. This church has hurt me so deeply. How can people look at the smiles on these children faces and find negativity? Why is it that it is more important to criticize than to do?

I am drained and tired. I am wounded. Perhaps church is just not for me. What will I do with my yoga students? And the children and their parents who are hugging me saying they can't wait for the next one? How can I save my sanity when I feel like there are those who wish ill upon me? And what is that about? I don't ever claim to be perfect or even anywhere near it but why do I attract such ugliness? It must be in me and I just don't see it. Sigh. I feel like I have gone out of my way to behave with integrity and compassion but there are always those who cannot see it. And why does it bother me so?

Because I thought these people were my family. The body of Christ.

The children were awesome. Both casts! What a joy to work with them, to see them grow in confidence and develop close friendships and camaraderie. I am blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people who support me in my endeavors. I do know this. I do know that I should not allow the very few who oppose everything to control me. I am just tired. I feel like I have been fighting since the day I joined this church. I need to take some time and sort it all out and decide what to do.

I just keep feeling like God is giving me a message about finding Him myself. I was so close to Him before I joined this church. I feel so lost sometimes without Him. I get so caught up in the stupid drama at that building that I forget to just be quiet and listen. Perhaps religion is just truly not my path. I seem to have lost my way somehow. I will take some time to find it again.

"The way is clear, the light is good,
I have no fear and no one should.
The woods are just trees, the trees are just woods
and everything you learn there will help when you return there.

Into the woods--you have to grope,
But that's the way you learn to cope.
Into the woods to find there's hope
Of getting through the journey.
Into the woods, each time you go,
There's more to learn of what you know"

How wonderful the children were!

Take the knowledge and run!

So I have been mostly undercover for the last couple months in a real introspective time. I find that occasionally I have to re-think everything and make sure the path is still a good one. Cut the weeds, so to speak, decide what to plant next. Really can't rush the process, sometimes the bloom takes time.

Vacation was wonderful. Topsail Island is one of the most beautiful places I've ever visited, so charming! Clean, uncrowded beaches, clear emerald water, ahhhh! Came back with a fresh perspective. Isn't vacation just the best? Wonder why we can't just stay on it forever? Oh yeah, money. And lack of perspective. Sigh.

Went instantly into craziness. New play, new spiritual center, new yoga times, new transporting to Scaggsville everyday.

Good thing I renewed my energy because I am surely going to need it.

What a silly wabbitt I can be.