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Interesting

I find it interesting that the people who do their best are always the one worried that they did something wrong and the ones who do something wrong think they did their best. Crazy.

We have had a whale of a whirlwind around us.  My daughter is getting ready to graduate next month with a bachelors degree in Enviromental Science. Crazy.

She brought her boyfriend to meet us over Easter and we loved him. They have some whirlwinds around them that are quite formidable... but I think they'll be fine. Eventually. Crazy.

Business is good. I've been doing better at connecting with my friends. Barry got his Level I YogaFit training. Our cat is still alive and we keep praying for her to join her maker. Peacefully. But soon. Crazy.

I'm getting more cardio and hope to be a size 5 by summer. Now that's crazy.

I miss the old ways and the old friends. I look forward to new ways and new friends. Every step takes us closer to the dream, just never in a straight path it seems. Crazy.

Barry & I have been trying on the titles of Matriarch and Patriarch and considering buying a compound in Dallas. Or Knots Landing. Or creating a Dynasty in Fenwick. Which ever comes first. I don't have to tell you what that is.

Time has been killed in the making of this nonsense but no innocent animals. Yet.

You ever have one of those moments where you did the right thing and then you realized that all the signs were around you all the time and you just kept trying to talk them away even though deep down you knew that sooner or later you were gonna have to do the right thing anyway?

Yeah, me neither.

Just kidding.

I feel more like I do now then I did when I first got here.  Today, I stepped back into my shoes and put my foot down.  I stewed. I agonized. I fought my demons and the Light won. As always. And I saw the Light come back in the eyes of those counting on me. Whew!

I always get there eventually.  And then I wonder what the hell I was thinking.  But it always stuns me that people can be so self serving that they would make another feel insignificant in their desire to feel significant... you know?

But anyway. I feel good tonight.  I feel like I took a stand that brought me back to my feet. Sort of like the pic that came up on my news feed today:



Trust me on this.

Where did February go?

Think I missed a month.  In February I went to see my best friend in Florida.  This created much juggling and chess playing.  Fortunately, I am blessed with really great partners who encourage me and support me and kick me out the door when I need to re-group.

I had a marvelous time, enjoyed some me time, some BFF time and even some get to know my BFF's BF time.  Went to Key West, had yummy food and drinks, read some books all the way through and got a chance to remember what I am like when I'm not saving the world. 

Still fit in all my usual activities, attuned some new healers, taught a ton of classes, had a ton of appointments. Life is rolling, rolling, rolling.  Hit a weird spot last week. Looked up and realized that what I have been hoping, praying and working for over the last decade has all happened. In every phase of my life. My children are grown ups with happy relationships.  My career is thriving, peaceful and rewarding.  My marriage is a true partnership. I know who my friends are and feel blessed by their love. 

How odd.  And wonderful.  All week I've been very introspective and reflective. I feel as if we are on the major brink of the next thing.  On the edge of the next chapter.  All my friends who have kids the same age as mine are feeling it, we're talking about it, "how did this happen? how did we get here or more importantly, how did they?"  They are getting real jobs. They are having serious relationships that look like they may be permanent- 'the One', they say with sparkles in their smiles. It's all very exciting albeit a bit scary.  Some of my friends are already grandparents, how strange.

I feel like it was just yesterday I was the young girl with the sparkle in my eyes, planning my own wedding, being head over heels in love.  I was the expectant mom, excited and terrified, overcome with the biggest love I had ever felt when they put that baby in my arms for the first time.  I was the proud mama, cheering my darlings on every step of the way, planning birthday parties, making new friends, overwhelmed with dogs, cats, guinea pigs, rabbits and of course, many, many kids running through my never clean house.

My house is clean now.  And quiet.  But I am not sad, in fact, I am quite the opposite.  I feel excited, like, thrilled even... now we get to do it all over again!  We get to live it all again through the lives of our kids... who get to live it all for the first time. To hear my daughter "smile" over the phone when she reveals that she's falling in love for the first time. Seeing the pictures of the flowers her beau sent, and sharing the joy of her first real Valentines date.  To hear my son and his girl giggling and talking, having fun together, what a joy! Barry & I sometimes beam with ear to ear grins when they start belly laughing-- just like we did when we heard it from them the first time when they were babies, and remember when it was us rolling on the floor, giggling over some shared silliness.

It is so cool that God planned it all out this way.  We get to live our lives with all the uncertainties and insecurities and then take all that we learned and share it with the lives we created with the joining of our own.

Just a bit mind boggling sometimes- eh?

On being real.

An Excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams:

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

When I start to get bogged down and tired of replaying the same old aggravations and insecurities, when I get down on myself and chastise myself for expecting perfection, I remember that I am real. I am real. My hair has turned gray, my eyes are dropping out and I am quite loose in my joints. Sometimes my heart feels a bit tired but never broke. Sometimes my spirit feels a little shabby, like the years have taken off the shine but when I spend some time with it, I find the light is still there. When I get a little ragged because the things that seem important to me are not important to those closest to me, I have to remember what's really important;  birth... life.... death... rebirth... Sa Ta Na Ma.

I say what I mean. I am who I am. I can't change how others feel about me, only myself. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Sometimes I choose suffering, but then I remember the Skin Horse. Wisdom is not easy, people may not always understand or 'get it' but the realness makes it worth it. I can't pretend to care any more than I can pretend I don't care.

This too shall pass.