You ever have one of those moments where you did the right thing and then you realized that all the signs were around you all the time and you just kept trying to talk them away even though deep down you knew that sooner or later you were gonna have to do the right thing anyway?

Yeah, me neither.

Just kidding.

I feel more like I do now then I did when I first got here.  Today, I stepped back into my shoes and put my foot down.  I stewed. I agonized. I fought my demons and the Light won. As always. And I saw the Light come back in the eyes of those counting on me. Whew!

I always get there eventually.  And then I wonder what the hell I was thinking.  But it always stuns me that people can be so self serving that they would make another feel insignificant in their desire to feel significant... you know?

But anyway. I feel good tonight.  I feel like I took a stand that brought me back to my feet. Sort of like the pic that came up on my news feed today:



Trust me on this.

Where did February go?

Think I missed a month.  In February I went to see my best friend in Florida.  This created much juggling and chess playing.  Fortunately, I am blessed with really great partners who encourage me and support me and kick me out the door when I need to re-group.

I had a marvelous time, enjoyed some me time, some BFF time and even some get to know my BFF's BF time.  Went to Key West, had yummy food and drinks, read some books all the way through and got a chance to remember what I am like when I'm not saving the world. 

Still fit in all my usual activities, attuned some new healers, taught a ton of classes, had a ton of appointments. Life is rolling, rolling, rolling.  Hit a weird spot last week. Looked up and realized that what I have been hoping, praying and working for over the last decade has all happened. In every phase of my life. My children are grown ups with happy relationships.  My career is thriving, peaceful and rewarding.  My marriage is a true partnership. I know who my friends are and feel blessed by their love. 

How odd.  And wonderful.  All week I've been very introspective and reflective. I feel as if we are on the major brink of the next thing.  On the edge of the next chapter.  All my friends who have kids the same age as mine are feeling it, we're talking about it, "how did this happen? how did we get here or more importantly, how did they?"  They are getting real jobs. They are having serious relationships that look like they may be permanent- 'the One', they say with sparkles in their smiles. It's all very exciting albeit a bit scary.  Some of my friends are already grandparents, how strange.

I feel like it was just yesterday I was the young girl with the sparkle in my eyes, planning my own wedding, being head over heels in love.  I was the expectant mom, excited and terrified, overcome with the biggest love I had ever felt when they put that baby in my arms for the first time.  I was the proud mama, cheering my darlings on every step of the way, planning birthday parties, making new friends, overwhelmed with dogs, cats, guinea pigs, rabbits and of course, many, many kids running through my never clean house.

My house is clean now.  And quiet.  But I am not sad, in fact, I am quite the opposite.  I feel excited, like, thrilled even... now we get to do it all over again!  We get to live it all again through the lives of our kids... who get to live it all for the first time. To hear my daughter "smile" over the phone when she reveals that she's falling in love for the first time. Seeing the pictures of the flowers her beau sent, and sharing the joy of her first real Valentines date.  To hear my son and his girl giggling and talking, having fun together, what a joy! Barry & I sometimes beam with ear to ear grins when they start belly laughing-- just like we did when we heard it from them the first time when they were babies, and remember when it was us rolling on the floor, giggling over some shared silliness.

It is so cool that God planned it all out this way.  We get to live our lives with all the uncertainties and insecurities and then take all that we learned and share it with the lives we created with the joining of our own.

Just a bit mind boggling sometimes- eh?

On being real.

An Excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams:

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

When I start to get bogged down and tired of replaying the same old aggravations and insecurities, when I get down on myself and chastise myself for expecting perfection, I remember that I am real. I am real. My hair has turned gray, my eyes are dropping out and I am quite loose in my joints. Sometimes my heart feels a bit tired but never broke. Sometimes my spirit feels a little shabby, like the years have taken off the shine but when I spend some time with it, I find the light is still there. When I get a little ragged because the things that seem important to me are not important to those closest to me, I have to remember what's really important;  birth... life.... death... rebirth... Sa Ta Na Ma.

I say what I mean. I am who I am. I can't change how others feel about me, only myself. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Sometimes I choose suffering, but then I remember the Skin Horse. Wisdom is not easy, people may not always understand or 'get it' but the realness makes it worth it. I can't pretend to care any more than I can pretend I don't care.

This too shall pass.

Will it go round in circles???

I am sick. Again. I haven't been sick for years, ever since I stopped working for BTN (Bowie Therapeutic Nursery). Now, I don't work for BTN, but I work in the same building. Same rooms in fact. And although BTN and the CCPC Nursery School are gone... there's still little germ carriers in the building.  And they touch stuff everywhere.  And even worse, they are Co-op kids, which you would have to be a BTN or CCPCNS staffer to understand how awful that is.

See, the thing is, BTN & CCPCNS always had a teacher and an assistant teacher for every class.  The Co-op has a teacher.  And a parade of parent volunteer helpers.  So, essentially the teacher has to retrain her assistant every day.  Things don't always get done. Mostly the bathrooms.  Which are disgusting. And they let the little varmints touch all the windows and doors and our desk and ugh.  So, I'm sick. Again.

Now, I don't want to become one of those people.  You know, the OCD types.  I've already been accused of that due to my furniture/curtain moving escapades. But I HATE to be sick. I'm contemplating coming in each day with plastic gloves and a spray bottle of chlorox.  Which I'm sure can't be good for the environment.  But the amount of tissues I'm using can't be either. Sigh.

In other news, the Miller housecleanup is going swimmingly. We moved all the furniture because we got some new "pieces". (Hence the OCD comments) We bought 3 "pieces". I've never bought "pieces" of furniture before.  We've always had hand me downs or sets of cheap stuff.  The ironic thing is that the "pieces" weren't as expensive as our sets of cheap stuff.  We went to an antique store and found a great Victrola that doubles as my new closed up desk.  I had my eye on a gorgeous secretary style one from the 1800's but the dealer wouldn't play ball. So we went to Ikea. We got a new media stand and a dresser for less than half of what the secretary cost... and they are really nice! Maybe not as nice as the secretary but unless the secretary actually did my secretarial work for me, it really wasn't all that practical.

The minute we got the downstairs all done, more beautiful and functional than it ever has been in the 30 years we've lived here... Cory decides to clean his room. You would think one would rejoice at this news but Cory's way of cleaning is to take everything he owns out of his room and put it in Rhia's room (don't tell her!) and in the upstairs foyer.  He's quite proud of his room now. And assures us in his Cory way that he's gonna have a bonfire and that'll take care of the bulk of the stuff in her room. Which will never happen.  So, ultimately, Rhia will find out and come home and we'll put all the stuff back in his room.  Which will be a mess and be ALL OUR FAULT!

I've become addicted to stupid hidden object search games. AND I crashed my brand new laptop! (don't tell my CFO!) I don't think the 2 things are connected because apparently there's a mean Adobe virus going round.

Wonder if the Co-op is the one who spread it?

Taking Charge

9 days into the year and I'm feeling like I've gotten more done than I did in the 365 last year.  I know there was some Saturn/Mercury/Insert Excuse Here Retrograding going last year but it felt like I was trudging through sludge.  Now I'm dancing. More like hoisting...

I got a new laptop as a reward for my efforts last year which is entertaining because a large part of my effort consisted of trying to make my 10 year old PC talk to my bottom of the line laptop while trying to fit 20gb music into an 8gb ipod.  First world problems, I know, but when you are trying to run a business where music is a priority; it can be quite time consuming.  My newsletter won't run on my old browser... I can't print off my flyers so I have to mail them to myself... just a dozen time wasters that aren't on purpose, unlike the new mystery games I have discovered on my new laptop...

It was a bit cumbersome to move everything off each device onto one device that can actually take it but oh, what a relief to have everything in one place!  My cd drive didn't work in my old pc so I have cd's from a few years ago that I can actually put on my ipod now-- neither of my old computers had the capacity for my pictures so they were divided up between the 2 computers, a partitioned drive and cds, this new baby can put them all in one place, it's amazing. Plus, I don't have to worry about random people accidentally putting virus's on my computer because it has fingerprint technology, they can't get in without my finger! (which by the way, I had a horrible dream about the other night, yikes!)

Because I now have a laptop, I don't necessarily need a big desk so the big bonus here is that after 10 years I finally have a dining room again! Yes, the whole house is re-arranged because we took down the desk to put the dining room furniture in which created space throughout the whole house.  It's freaking amazing.  The house feels like a home instead of a built in apartment over my office.  Since we now have a lease at the studio, all my work stuff is gradually making it's way over there and once our lease is up at the other space we'll be able to put all our eggs in one basket... maybe. Life feels sooooooo much simpler.

I get that on the list of world problems, my inconveniences are WAY down but I do feel freer, we even had a dinner party with some of our close friends-- can't tell you the last time I did that.  I am planning to do that much more this year.  All in all, I have high hopes for 2012 and I feel like I can breathe a bit easier. 

Linda:  do not mess this up and find ways of filling the empty space!