Roller Coaster

Is it just me or is the world just careeening up, up, up and then down, down, down? I am hanging on for dear life but it's got me ready to collapse into a heap which is what I did yesterday. Watched 4 Jane Austen's in a row... ooooohhhhh, how I love Jane Austen and especially the ones on Masterpiece Theater.... I was just in a heavenly oooze of romantic dreaming... don't know why my real world kept interferring. "Honey, where's the toilet brush?" just as the heroine finally lets the hero know with just her eyes that yes, she does return his affection after all. Toilet Brush??? You have to be kidding me....

Course no one would ever be looking for a toilet brush around here, at least voluntarily, but you sort of catch my drift, right? The last couple of days of my life (or years) have been just a case study of manic depression. Things go way up and then come crashing down in a matter of minutes. Fortunately, they then go way back up again. My new year started (Chinese New Year, that is) with a great class-- 400 people in the sanctuary! or 14, same difference. But then my ipod wouldn't work. So we did the class in silence. Which was really great! Even had everyone chanting-- so awesome.

Friday was nuts. Had to go grocery shopping for stuff for the open house. End up with a full cart at the checkout and go to pay and realize I didn't have my check card. Or enough cash. Or my cell phone. Ugh. How embarassing. Fortunately, I was at Safeway where they know us quite well so they let me go in the back to call home. And more fortunately, Cory had already showered and was ready to go to work so he dropped Rhia off on his way with minimal protest. If he hadn't showered, this could have been much worse. He will not leave the house without at least a half hour shower. Anyway....

Get home, put the groceries away, and then it's off to the party store. Rhia & I had a great time, she got to pick the balloons and insisted on mice since we were hiding them in the attic and that's where the mice live (or hopefully, lived.) Blew them up--they were lopsided and strangely reminiscent of .... well, let's just say they looked like Mother mice.... started cooking and cutting vegies (which you may recall is one of my favorite activities in the world) listening to music and then I got a phone call from my brother who was I very happy to hear from. Until I heard what he had to say. I won't go into details but it was extremely upsetting. I hung up the phone, really shaken and the phone rang again. I wasn't going to answer since I didn't recognize the number and I really did not want to hear anymore from my brother but on a whim answered. Turned out to be a lovely woman wanting to advertise Yolinna Spirit to her email base of 600 readers. For free. Well, in exchange for me advertising her event to my readers. Which I will do as soon as I get done with this.

Barry comes home, most upset with things at his work and then more upset when I tell him what my brother had to say. We decide to just put it aside, and end up having a very nice evening together in our new room. Life is great. Until the next morning when he decides to put the shingles on the outside of the house instead of helping me with the last minute preparations for the open house. I am frantic (cause this is how silly I am) trying to run around and thinking I'm not going to get it all done and getting more and more angry with him and then he comes in and we have a bit of a to do about it.

Me: this is the last party ever, I swear!
Him: Ummm, you've said that the last 10 parties.
Me: Well, I really mean it this time.
Him: But you really like having people over. And the house is beautiful.
Me: well..... well.... you need to shave!

Insert continued pointless arguing to just let off nervous anticipation of party steam.... and in walks Rhia. With a very strange look on her face. She just stands there. We both turn to her and say WHAT?

"Mom, Dad, I got accepted into Montreat!"

WHAT???!!!!

Rhia got accepted not only into college but into the college she desparately wanted to get into, dreamed of, didn't think there was any way possible. She got into Montreat. Wow. Hugs all around. She is bubbling over, walks away to call Lori (who is her mentor and really encouraged her to go for it) she makes one last turn around and says wistfully, "I guess I really am smart, after all."

Big smile plastered on my face, "of course you are, honey, I told you I believed in you. I knew you could do it." Turn around, walk into another room, disolve into sobs..... my baby is going away to college! OMG! My baby is going away into college! Where will I go? What will I do? Barry comes in, quite teary-eyed himself, Our baby is going away to college!!! We hug, holding each other up, she comes back in-- we pull it rapidly together. "This is wonderful! I can't wait to tell everyone!!!" She skips off... to post it all over her blogs and facebook...

And people start showing up for the party.

They probably thought I was insane. Blithering, blubbery nuts. What else is new?

Great party. John was surprised. Everyone seemed to have fun. Everyone was very excited for Rhia, made her feel so special, especially her Home-schooling Coordinator who really is the only reason this was even possible.... wait, I have to start blubbering again....

We stay up way too late, had way too much food and drink, laughed way too much, had great conversations, even played a rousing game of spoons which I haven't played in years, all in all great time.

I woke up yesterday sick as a dog. Earache, body aches, sniffling, sneezing. Ugh. I never get sick. Unless I get sick. Cleaned up all the after party mess and just collapsed. On the couch. With Jane Austen. Ahhh. Cept I got a boatload of stuff going on this week. Take every medication known to man...

Still sick today. Dangit. I've always said that if you don't take care of yourself, God will give you the opportunity. Thanks God! Seriously, I need a day off. Or two.

Cory came home yesterday and told me that one of the party goers told him something that has made him decide to go into the Coast Guard sooner rather than later. There is a possibility that both of my kids are going away this year.

I better get better at plastering that smile.

Accident

There was an accident right outside my window yesterday morning. 2 women, not bad, little fender bender. They both got out of their cars, apologized, "are you okay?" and started exchanging their information. They were both reassuring one another and after they completed all the necessary insurance, phone number stuff, they did something amazing. They hugged. Patted each other on the back and I could hear them tell each other to not worry, have a good day, everything would be okay.

The only thought running through my mind as I watched this amazing display of negotiation and conflict resolution was, "and you don't want a woman president because why???"

Imagine if all our conflicts could be solved with a smile, a hug and attending to business without blame or macho-ness.

Inevitability

When I was a teenage girl I was a big flirt. It was very important to me that ALL the boys like me, even if I didn't like them. I had ScarlettOHaraitis and there was no support group for that. "Why a girl's only got 2 sides at a table....let's all sit under this tree" Even in Kindergarten I had to be the most liked...Queen of the Playground...they even made me a "throne" in between 2 trees with a stick as my chair. I couldn't bear the thought of anyone not liking me, would go out of my way to be nice to them and convince them of my wonderfulness, even if I didn't like them and they were not so wonderful.

I still struggle with this. I am floored if I think someone doesn't like me, I mean really, I'm such a nice person, how could they not like me? It's probably that attitude alone that turns people off LOL! That or the Queen of the Playground thing.... I've gotten over the flirting or shall I say I'm not 98 pounds anymore so maybe the flirting has gotten over me?

It's very rare that I find someone I don't like, it usually takes alot to get me to not like you. I can usually find some good in everyone I meet if I look hard enough. I don't think so much in terms of like or dislike as I do energy... positive energy vs. negative energy. Of course when I sense a lot of negative energy I want to fix it so yeah....

One of the things I have discovered is that if you expect someone's or something's energy to be bad, it will be. Anytime you look for negativity you will find it. There's plenty out there. Sometimes there are places that so many negative events have happened that it becomes really difficult to try and find the positive. Just the statement alone "try and find" implies difficulty. That's when I realize that it's my problem. Not the person or place. It's not that there's all that wrong with the place, person or even me. It's just that I anticipate bad so the Universe provides. Over and over. Even when I think I'm tricking myself into expecting good, the slightest thing can happen and I see it as proof of the bad. So when you realize that, the only thing you can do is cut your losses. Take a break. See if you can let the issues simmer to the point of becoming non issues. Sometimes this takes time. Sometimes you have to look deep into yourself and see how you are creating the problem. Sometimes it's inevitable that you just need to completely disassociate, "pull up your big girl pants" and go home.

Barry & I are about to celebrate our 28th anniversary. One of the things that marriage has taught me is that even when you think you cannot stand another day with a person or you think you may be done or you think there's no hope for a situation, something happens that will completely reverse how you feel. It has taught me that 'never say never' is an extremely profound rule to live by. It has taught me that no one is all good or all bad and that you can dislike something about someone and still love them with all you have. It has taught me that the wind can shift in any direction at a moment's notice so there's no point in thinking it's forever or it's over.

It has taught me that love really can conquer all. And make you really, really angry and alternately really, really happy. So yeah, nothing lasts for never. So I never say I'll never talk to this person or that or never go to that place again because I never know whether that is true or not. Who knows what never is?

This post has just rambled all over the place. If you made it to the end, I'm sorry. I'll never do it again. Tee Hee.

Dolphins

Just got in from teaching my class at World Gym. We became dolphins with our breath...the inhale rising us up out of the water, the exhale sliding us deep within the comforting blue....mmmm.....

While my students were laying there breathing, I laid my head on a big ball and looked up at the sky, thinking of the dolphins and how wonderful my life is. When the dolphins enter the deep, they don't worry about whether they'll go too deep or too far. When it's time to come up, they just break the surface, joyfully, without caring that they will have to go back down again.

There's a strong message there.

Yesterday Barry and I were chatting about our wonderful restorative yoga day (thanks to everyone who came, it was lovely!) and how we were a wee bit tired (well, more than a wee bit) and how we still have a whole lot to do before the Open House and I stopped him in mid sentence.... "let's not whine or moan about how busy we are or how tired we are, let's embrace that this is life....our life.... and we have chosen it and we are so blessed to be lucky enough to see our dreams coming true, let's not ruin it by running the familiar track of proving we are worthy because we are busy" As I listened to what I was saying or shall I say the words coming out of my mouth since it seemed to be coming through me as opposed to from me, I was thinking what a powerful insight that really was. So many times we ruin the high by thinking we have to downplay it or prove that we deserve it or that it really isn't all that anyway.

Marianne Williamson (Course in Miracles) said, "Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us." It could just as well be said that your playing overburdened or busier or more stressed is not going to make others feel good about their lives, in fact, it has just the opposite effect... it makes us feel inadequate if we are not stressed or overburdened, when you get a minute to yourself you feel like you have to hide the fact that you relaxed.

The dolphin imagery reminded me of this today. Can you imagine a dolphin feeling over burdened because they have to break the surface of the water to breathe AGAIN? Or being pissy because they have to slice into the deep AGAIN? Would a dolphin say, "Jeez, it just keeps going on and on, I come up to breathe only to have to go back down and swim.....unbelievable!"

I much prefer the option of being so joyous about having to come up and breathe that it keeps getting bigger and bigger til I actually let my whole body rise up out of the water and twist my way back down deep, deep into the depths.

Yeah. That feels good. Big Breath now.....

Reflection

I've been working on stuff for my Restorative Yoga Day tomorrow. It dawned on me that I haven't held a full day one since January of last year. Did 2 minis but I don't know what went on last year that made me unable to do this.... Think I was doing a lot of reflection, re-organizing, figuring out what to leave in and what to leave out. Last night Sheree & I were getting ready to leave after yoga and I was gathering my stuff for the yoga day and she was gathering her stuff to do a mandala workshop and we both paused and shared a moment of sadness for what might have been... but alas, things change. And it really is for the good of all but it would have been nice for things to be different.

Have I ever mentioned how much I love working on gifts and planning a retreat day and thinking of wonderful ways for people to relax and find their spirits and enjoy themselves? I love it almost as much as I love yoga so you can imagine I'm way over the top right now. The cool thing is that usually I do these events in other places so I have to carry a whole bunch of stuff and move a whole lot of furniture and am limited to what the rules and limitations of the places I do this at. It's wild because I keep thinking I have to pack stuff up and I realize I don't have to... and when I think of preparing food and storing it, the possibilities are endless cause it's all right here! So there can be many, many more choices... and I don't have to boil the water, put it in a carafe and carry it in my car without spilling it on me... I can make fresh tea. Right on the spot. How cool is that?

It's going to be a beautiful day. And hopefully, the start of a more regular schedule.... so it's not just once a year.

My cup runneth over.

And now I have towels to clean it up. Right here at my fingertips... I can't get over what a relaxing feeling this is.