Hospitals

I spent all day yesterday at Washington Hospital Center. My dad needed to get a defibrillator installed. (Sounds like a car needing a new radiator or something.) Dad has had 2 heart attacks, has diabetes and is insulin dependant, and has a small host of smoking related illnesses and is not in the best of shape. The doctors feel his chances of surviving another heart attack would be better if he didn't have one. So the defibrillator will "shock" his heart into the right beat if it gets off tune.....like on ER....CLEAR!!!....CHARGING TO 300.....only internally. We are all wishing it will "shock" him into submission the next time he sneaks a cigarette....

I hate hospitals. What a dreadful place. It's like some kind of alternate universe where things are happening very quickly but nothing ever changes. Everyone is sick, everyone is suffering, you can see outside but you are fully aware that most will never touch it again. I don't know how the doctors and nurses stand it. They really must be Saints or Angels of Mercy. I just can't imagine spending my days/nights walking up those long corridors dealing with the horrible, agonizing pain and suffering of the patients and the panic of the love ones waiting and hoping. They must see so much and they remain so calm. They are overworked, everything is a crisis, how they don't end up in the beds themselves is a miracle although I'm sure many of them do.

I have spent far too much time in hospitals, especially in the cardiac centers. It's terrifying. All the constant alarms and emergencies. You sit looking at the monitors and all of a sudden they stop or worse start buzzing and the first couple of times you rush into the hall screaming for a nurse and then you get lulled into submission because the nurse has once again assured you it's just he machine resetting....no worries. Right. Yesterday the machines quit and my mom and I just watched my dad's chest rise and fall....knowing that at least if he's breathing, that's a good sign. The nurse eventually came and fixed them, took his blood sugar which was 307, rushed out of the room mumbling about getting him something to eat/drink/meds and then disappeared. For an hour. He was just out of the recovery room, hadn't ate/drank for 16 hours....was in and out of consciousness....you begin to really understand the meaning of the word helpless.

Of course, you can't get angry with the nurse or the hospital, they have hundreds of other rooms with exactly the same drama being played out over and over. They bring my diabetic dad sugar instead of Equal and then they get agitated when they want to do an xray on him even though the doctor said he couldn't have an MRI because of the defibrillator and we panic, frantically making sure they know WHO he is and WHY he is there and will it be okay to xray him.....We learn to trust without trusting. Helplessness.....

I was stuck yesterday by the audacity of myself thinking that I am a healer. Ha. Right. I got nothing up my sleeve compared to them.

My prayers and energy and light go out to those doctors/nurses/workers that face illness and death every day. I just can't imagine. I am exhausted just after one day. And don't even start me on the traffic......

My dad is stable and okay for the time being. Thank you for your prayers and concern. He comes home today. Thank God.

Should's & Ought's

Anytime I make myself do something I don't want to do it's because of those daggone shoulds & oughts. They follow me around, threatening me and making me feel bad. You should call your mother, you should clean your house, you ought to feel bad about that, you ought to be more compassionate towards that person that just let you down, you should feel happier, you should be grateful, you ought to do the "right" thing even if it makes you feel horrible....

Ugh. Wants and Needs are so much more subtle. They whisper. You want to sit by your waterfall. You need to rest. You need some time alone. You want solitude and quiet and meaningful interactions.

Shoulds & Oughts cousin, Haveta, is even more insistent than the others. You haveta clean that toilet, you haveta go to church, you haveta be nice when you don't feel it.....course, since haveta is so insistent I tend to find it easier to rebel.....I don't like Haveta at all. And I don't have to.

I really believe much of the insanity we inflict on ourselves is because we go around blindly following the instructions of Shoulds and Oughts and try to deny the existence of Wants and Needs. So we end up angry all the time without really understanding what the deal is. Like I tell Cory, "you're just a Rebel without a Clue". Trouble is, we begin misplacing all that anger, directing it at people who are safe because they will still love us, even thought we Ought to be honest with the originators of the anger, sometimes they are just lost causes.

And then sometimes we wake up and realize who's really driving the ship. And we start listening for that subtle whisper and following it's advice, and living our lives according to our wants & needs. And life becomes beautiful, fulfilling, we accomplish things we never dreamed of.

And it becomes much, much harder to make yourself listen to those other characters. And even more difficult to follow their instructions. And even worse after you do. Makes you feel slimy and like you need to spit. And a bit creepy crawly.

But you really should ___________________________. So I did. Whatever.

I really want to sit by my waterfall and watch the birds. Saw a scarlet tanager Saturday!!!! For real! And all kinds of warblers.....

Listen to your whisper.......

While I was away....

My wisteria bloomed.

The azaleas burst into color.

The grass grew. and grew. and grew.

My backyard became completely shaded.

The tulips and daffodils and dogwoods faded but the candytuft is still going strong. And the bleeding hearts.

Yesterday my clothesline smelled as fresh as lemons, the weigela branches tickling my nose.

And the clematis opened up in all their glory.

I can direct the next part.....roses, columbine, sage, st. john's wort, false indigo, japanese snowball....PLACES! Get ready! It's almost your cue!!!

Hmmmm.....home......content....and grateful. The play was a beautiful experience, best I've ever had. And home is a beautiful place.

Again, my cup runneth over.....

Another Opening, Another Show....

You ever have that feeling that if you don't hold on tight, you might just go to your knees sobbing like an infant with the sheer overwhelming feeling that grace brings to your heart?

Yeah, that was me last night.

It's all just surreal. Did I really write a play? And did we really pull it off? And was it really good? And did we really rock the Sanctuary? Did we really overcome all the usual stuff that goes along with plays and pull together and create something that was entirely our own with that many people from all different walks of life? Really? We really did that? Wow.

I said to my buddy Lori last night, "you know, even if it really was bad and no one is telling me, the love that I am getting from everyone makes it all worth it" She looked at me like I had 2 heads and assured me it really IS good.

Thank you Sweet Jesus--may I continue to be an instrument of Your peace. Lead me and guide me and I will throw your seeds where ever You desire.

Deep Heavy Breath.....with a major sigh of relief......Wow! We did it!

Tact

One of the things that comes hardest to me is tact. (I know, big surprise, NOT!) I really have to work hard at choosing my words carefully, I tend to just blurt things out--almost tourette's like--and I just do not have the ability to lie. Blurting out the truth is a really bad thing if you have no tact. This has been one of my biggest character flaws that I have worked on for many years.

This is why I prefer to write what I have to say. My back space key gets more work than any other on my key board. I can let myself flow without censoring and then erase it and say it appropriately. I'm an Aries--I think quick, speak quick, anger quickly and forget about it quickly. This is not good for people who anger slowly and hold on to it longly....

Boy, did my back space get a work out yesterday! I had some really volatile situations that I had to dig deep and try and handle with tact and diplomacy. I had to keep walking away, praying for guidance, re-reading, re-writing, breathing, fighting my inner demons, coming back and dealing with more.

I thought I may have a heart attack. Whoa, the stress of choosing words carefully...and having to actually break down and ask for help. And the surrendering to letting others deal with their own problems....crippling.

It was worth it. God gave me the strength and the people to see it all through. I asked for help and boy, did I get it.

And you know what? It was really good for them too.

One more....