Into the Woods

Welp, another play is finished. Very bittersweet, this one. I had what I thought was a terrific idea (and I still do) and decided we could do 2 casts, one younger and one older. The older could teach the younger so the little guys would have a mentor and the older could discover their inner nurturer. In some cases that worked. In others it didn't. The play was awesome. The children, old and young, had a wonderful time. They learned so much and really developed some nice self confidence along the way. We made some great new friends and got to spend some joyous time with old ones.

I think I may be done. I cried all afternoon. I just don't know if I can keep doing this. I love the plays, I love the children, I love the parents who volunteer their precious time. I just cannot deal with the ugliness surrounding it. I just don't think I can keep going to a place where there are people who want things like this to fail because it didn't meet their agenda. I am so sad. I feel like everything I know to be true is wrong. This church has hurt me so deeply. How can people look at the smiles on these children faces and find negativity? Why is it that it is more important to criticize than to do?

I am drained and tired. I am wounded. Perhaps church is just not for me. What will I do with my yoga students? And the children and their parents who are hugging me saying they can't wait for the next one? How can I save my sanity when I feel like there are those who wish ill upon me? And what is that about? I don't ever claim to be perfect or even anywhere near it but why do I attract such ugliness? It must be in me and I just don't see it. Sigh. I feel like I have gone out of my way to behave with integrity and compassion but there are always those who cannot see it. And why does it bother me so?

Because I thought these people were my family. The body of Christ.

The children were awesome. Both casts! What a joy to work with them, to see them grow in confidence and develop close friendships and camaraderie. I am blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people who support me in my endeavors. I do know this. I do know that I should not allow the very few who oppose everything to control me. I am just tired. I feel like I have been fighting since the day I joined this church. I need to take some time and sort it all out and decide what to do.

I just keep feeling like God is giving me a message about finding Him myself. I was so close to Him before I joined this church. I feel so lost sometimes without Him. I get so caught up in the stupid drama at that building that I forget to just be quiet and listen. Perhaps religion is just truly not my path. I seem to have lost my way somehow. I will take some time to find it again.

"The way is clear, the light is good,
I have no fear and no one should.
The woods are just trees, the trees are just woods
and everything you learn there will help when you return there.

Into the woods--you have to grope,
But that's the way you learn to cope.
Into the woods to find there's hope
Of getting through the journey.
Into the woods, each time you go,
There's more to learn of what you know"

How wonderful the children were!

Take the knowledge and run!

So I have been mostly undercover for the last couple months in a real introspective time. I find that occasionally I have to re-think everything and make sure the path is still a good one. Cut the weeds, so to speak, decide what to plant next. Really can't rush the process, sometimes the bloom takes time.

Vacation was wonderful. Topsail Island is one of the most beautiful places I've ever visited, so charming! Clean, uncrowded beaches, clear emerald water, ahhhh! Came back with a fresh perspective. Isn't vacation just the best? Wonder why we can't just stay on it forever? Oh yeah, money. And lack of perspective. Sigh.

Went instantly into craziness. New play, new spiritual center, new yoga times, new transporting to Scaggsville everyday.

Good thing I renewed my energy because I am surely going to need it.

What a silly wabbitt I can be.

nuttin'

This is my tree. Well, mine and God's. And well, okay, it's everyone's tree but I get to make the decisions on it. I love this tree. I have climbed it, pruned it, decorated it with ghosts and Christmas lights, swung many children on the tire swing on it, posed with it, photographed endless smiles under it, saved my daughter from a certain concussion or broken arm under it, hugged it and fought for it when people have wanted it to go away. I have watched storms blow through it and I have watched it "snow" blossoms across my yard. I have hid in it, prayed under it, meditated and danced beneath it. I have enjoyed the sound of bird's flocking around it and spent many an hour watching them build nests and push their young out for the first flight from it. I love this tree. Every time we talk about moving (every spring for 22 years) the first thought is always "how will I take my tree with me?" After years and years of trying to propagate it to no avail.......Guess what?

It did it itself!!!! I have a small weeping cherry growing on the side of my house! Does this mean I can move now?

It's a beautiful tree. Sways in the wind like it's dancing. Mmmmmm.

Ohhhh! Here's my blog....

So I was chatting with my student about blogs and spent about a minute or two or even three going around and round in my head trying to remember whether I had a blog or blogspot or blogger. I am ashamed to say I still don't know. But it is here, I have found it. Now, will I leave my xanga since now I know real people above the age of 20 here? Or will I prefer to just keep this as an opportunity to stalk my student and her family?

You never can tell. I never can tell. Most times I have no idea what I will do next. I really like it that way. It's called "living in the moment". Course sometimes it's called "clueless". Or "poor planning". I just really like quotation marks.

Went to dinner after yoga with aforementioned stalkee. Gave up my secrets. I EAT CHEESE FRIES! Course I'm sure she had a clue based on the size of my butt. Great yoga dinner, cheese fries and margaritas---transcending all time and space. My butt, that is.

But I digress.

Thought for the day:

Happiness doesn't depend on what we have, but it does depend on how we feel toward what we have. We can be happy with little and miserable with much.

William Dempster Hoard, 1836-1918 Wisconsin Governor

I think I will choose to feel happy towards my big ole butt. I can be happy with much.......

Sick?

I really seem to be fighting something. I wake up feeling like crap. I go teach my yoga classes. I feel euphoric. I come home, I feel like crap. Somedays seem better, some seem worse. It feels like maybe I need to rest. Hate that.

My classes are wonderful. We have sent much healing energy to the Hurricane survivors. I feel blessed to be able to share this gift.

So tired. One more class, then rest. Sort of. Sigh.