Having kids. No one tells you the real truth. Oh yeah, there's a million books on what to expect if you're expecting, the Dr. Spock's and the Penelope Leach's tell you all about babies and toddlers, and even though it does start to dwindle there's still a bunch on the teenage years. But no one ever talks about what's beyond... the young adult moving on (hopefully) and launching into the great unknown. And you know why?
IT SUCKS.
Pure and simple. This is by far the worst part of parenting. It's when every mistake you ever made, all the things you didn't do or tell them or make them do comes back to bite you in the ass. It's the teetering on the edge, wanting to push them off but not sure they'll let go or if they do that they will fly.
Terrible twos? Nothing. Tweeners? Ha! Teens? Peeshawwww, could do it with my eyes closed. This? Holy Mother of God! Help!!!!
Oh and here's the big ironic twist: You get to do it while going through menopause or periomenopause or whatever the hell it is. It's like puberty times 10. And of course it's at the same time as the man's mid life crisis so it's 2, 2, 2x the fun...
My latest theory is that menopause and midlife crisis's are just a figment of the imagination. It's just sort of a mental lobotomy for spending 20 years trying to nail jello to a tree. It's that OH MY GOD I CANNOT TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME TO PICK YOUR DAMN SHOES UP OR I WILL TAKE THE SHOES AND SHOVE THEM WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE... This is why God created dorms.
Course some of you get lucky. At the ripe age of 7, your children announce that they are going to save the world by becoming a rocket scientist and begin their AP classes and go straight through to college, do not pass go, collect $200000000000.....
My darlings? So far they've been veterinarians, paleontologists, marine biologists, rock stars, reverends, air traffic controllers, photographers, lawyers, Broadway stars, secret agents, hippies playing guitar in the fields for the peace corps (never mind that she has never played guitar in her life) Coast Guard Academy applicant (never mind that he hated ROTC with a passion) I can't even remember half of them...
This is what happens when you tell your kids they can be ANYTHING they want. This is what happens when you tell them "ohh, I STILL don't know what I want to be when I grow up, don't worry about it! Take ALL the time you need!" What the hell was I thinking?
I just want to fast forward 10 years and see them happy doing what I want them to do which is give me lots of grandchildren so I can spoil them too. The shoes are much smaller when you trip over them. And if they don't go straight from birth through college it's their fault, not mine.
Take it from me, start early, don't give options, decide at 5 what you want them to be, what college they are going to and find them a job. Make it seem like there are no other choices, that God and the president spoke directly to you and said that's what they HAD to do. You will save yourself and them a lot of time and agony trying to make decisions. Trust me.
And forget about buying them shoes unless you want to turn into a raving lunatic.
4 comments:
This is wonderful, I agree with every single word. Because I am in the same place and its so true.
I have been meaning to tell you how nice it was to meet you over the 4th weekend.
So you're saying I should send The Girl to her first day of high school in bare feet?
Maybe I should go away to school or join the peace corps and leave them here to pick up their own shoes.
didn't you know that G-d created adolescence for a reason? if they stayed as cute as they were when they were little, we'd never want them to leave. as it is we're more than happy to send them out the door.
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