Swirling Circles of Thought

Monday night I went to a Women's Circle from my church.

I know, right?

I was asking myself the same question. All day I kept thinking, "why? why are you opening this can of worms? I thought you were done." Truth is, I really miss hanging with a bunch of women and not being in charge. Now, don't get me wrong, I looooove what I do. But every now and then it's really nice to enter into a circle of people praying for each other and holding each other up.

Then why not go to church?

ooooohhhhh, there's the can of worms.....

I just can't want it. There is something blocking my path. I feel heaviness and sadness. I feel like I would have to check my brain and my emotions at the door. And what's the point? Why be somewhere that you have to just settle? swirling, swirling, like a leaf....

It's so confusing. "It's not so bad" is not the way I want to live my life. "It's not so bad" is usually followed with a litany of negativity.... that the speaker has decided to embrace. Because it's easier than not.

The Woman's circle was very nice. Ever since my bestie and I broke up, I have missed feeling really close to women. I have great women friends, in fact, quite a few new besties but most of my new besties are very busy so we don't get to spend a lot of time together. We're not "on the phone" everyday besties. And that's okay. I have learned that everyday besties tend to burnout and get angry at each other if they spend too much time together. Even though sometimes I really miss my bestie, I'm quite content with loving my friends and feeling loved in return. It's a marvelous thing in fact.

So why go to the women's circle? I don't know. I feel left out I suppose. Even though it's my choice, I really miss being part of the fun.... planning for Christmas families... the market.... the really good part of church... the helping of others and holding each other up. I really, really miss that. I just really don't miss the ugliness. That heaviness.... the sadness. I think I'm old enough now to pick and choose and stay sane.

We'll see.